This blog has many tips on how to build self confidence. I wrote a post 20 ways to build self confidence some time back. I now find there is even a video based on an article I discussed in that post!

My main criticism remains – walking faster and sitting in the front row are rather weird suggestions and hardly likely to have the desired effect.  If you lack self confidence you will feel very self conscious sitting in the front and feel worse.  There is no guarantee you will eventually get over that and feel more confident.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway – as in Susan Jeffers book title – doesn’t work for everyone.  If you go along this route its about coming to terms that we have learnt to feel fear and associate it with that activity.  And, unless you are short sighted or hard of hearing, what actually do you achieve by sitting in the front?

Gratitude builds self confidence

Ironically the video misses the best tip in the original article – having gratitude:-

When you focus too much on what you want, the mind creates reasons why you can’t have it. This leads you to dwell on your weaknesses. The best way to avoid this is consciously focusing on gratitude. Set aside time each day to mentally list everything you have to be grateful for. Recall your past successes, unique skills, loving relationships, and positive momentum.

gratitude for having family

This is something I do everyday in a form of journalling.  The first step I take is to reflect upon what I have to be grateful for. This can vary from family and friends to aspects of the environment around me – the sea, forest, the crazy weather we have (can’t remember who said it, but “never judge the day by the weather…”).

This list doesn’t have to be big things, and it certainly doesn’t have to be unique.  You’ll end it constantly repeating things like your good health and the men, women and children in your life.  But don’t forget the little stuff or more obscure  – being able to hear the birds sing, being able to walk/see/taste/smell,  living in a country where I can voice my opinion/vote, watching a comedy show on TV last night.

Even the things we moan about,  such as expensive car bills, can be turned into gratitude – at least you can afford a car. Reminds me of a favourite quote:-

I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.

This is a guest post by Ryan Rivera of www.calmclinic.com

Oh my god! It is almost 12 noon and I am still stuck with this report. What will I do? I must make haste! Will I make it? Working in this pace is going to make me lose my job. I’m running out of time! Me? Fired? Oh, no! Rent’s due this Friday. What am I going to do?”

If this is the beat constantly playing in your work life, then I guess it is only a matter of time until this tune will beat the goodness out of you. This melody of anxiety can be quite disgruntling. The stress of trying to finish work before the deadline, the pressure of improving your work performance and the strain of meeting obligations and other responsibilities can cause extreme problems to your nerves.

Mind you. Your nerves can only handle too much. When they get smashed and thrashed all over the place with all the adrenaline and relentless worrying that you do, they will lose their functionality. This, unfortunately, will lead to the development of anxiety disorders.

If you wish to avoid this fate, here are some of the best techniques to help you cope with all the stress and anxiety surrounding you.

1. Calm down

At the first sign of anxiety, keep yourself calm. Your heart may beat so fast. Your breathing may turn difficult. Your muscles may grow tense. Your head may spin around. But never ever lose your composure. Get hold of yourself and try not to panic. The more you fret, the more you worry and the greater and more extreme the feelings of anxiety will become.

2. Take a deep breath

Deep breathing exercises are the easiest and fastest way of keeping yourself calm. When things go out of hand and time seems to be running out, pause for a while and do deep breathing. This simple exercise of filling up your lungs with air will help solve the oxygen-carbon dioxide imbalance that may cause the symptoms of anxiety.

3. Light a scented candle

Certain fragrances from your favorite scents such as lavender, chamomile, and jasmine trigger a relaxation response. Their calming whiff helps to lift your emotions. Hence, when you are feeling a little blue or tensed, light up a scented candle and fill your home with their aroma.

4. Listen to a happy song

Songs as they say are “food for the soul.” They sate the pains, sorrows, anxieties, and worries that lie beneath the core. If you are feeling tensed, putting on your favorite cd and listening to the tunes being played will help soothe your aches and pains. You can try to play songs with lively or positive beat. But it is up to you. What is important is that you enjoy the music.

5. Stretch your limbs

Strained muscles often need a little bit of stretching to loosen them up. Being slumped in work for hours can cause pressure in your back and muscles. This piled up tension can be annoying and painful at times. Practising some toe touches before you hit the sack for at least 5 minutes will help relieve those soreness and muscle cramps.

6. De-clutter

The mess and chaos of your surroundings greatly add to the anxiety you are experiencing. To trim them down, clearing the clutter from your home can essentially help to de-clutter your mind as well.

7. Ditch the coffee

This step can be a tough one. But taking this can do wonders to alleviate your anxiety. As delicious as coffee can be, you have to ditch this addiction because the caffeine it contains makes your nerves jolt, leaving you anxious from morning till noon. So, wean yourself from coffee soon. Try drinking green tea instead.

8. Visualize greenery

Your imagination is a strong tool that can help you achieve clarity and relaxation. Closing your eyes when anxiety hits and picturing a serene setting where you can escape to and become completely immersed in are effective means of leaving your anxiety out of the picture.

9. Get a massage

A good body massage does not only promote relaxation but also healthy blood circulation. With every inch of your body receiving adequate supply of oxygenated blood, your cells and nerves will be in good working condition. When they are working properly, bouts of anxieties will be prevented. Moreover, massage therapy is proven to enhance EEG pattern of alertness and math computations. So, pamper yourself. Go to a spa and get your needed massage.

10. Munch on chocolate

Chocolate acts like an amphetamine in the body. It helps to increase your mood leading to feelings of happiness, alertness and excitement.
Just take it in moderation. Eating more than enough is no longer good for the body.

To be anxiety-free takes dedication. You need to commit so that the process will be successful. You can follow these simple techniques to get started. They are proven to help resolve the worries and fears you are experiencing. Take your pick and see what works for you. The changes won’t be overnight though, but you’re on your way.

Ryan Rivera is a proven example of how natural techniques help manage anxiety. Read his story and get more tips and advice at www.calmclinic.com.

 Photos by MCCchurch and Jim Linwood on Flickr

When you die, will it be full of regret at how you have lived your life? Will you have dreams unfulfilled – or pop off knowing you have lived your life to the full? May sound macabre, but death is one of the few certainties in life. However, you’d think we’ve forgotten we’re mortal the way we allow life to slip away.

The thoughts of those who know they have very limited time left have often been wake up calls to the rest of us.  I discussed Randy Pausch’s last lecture a couple of years ago – now over 14 million views on YouTube! His main message was

“never stop dreaming, never stop trying to achieve those dreams”

There has  been other work about the great truths to be found in the last moments of life, notably “Seize the Day” (formerly titled “Intimate Death”) by Marie de Hennezel.  From her work as a psychologist in palliative care her message is very much about making the most of life while we have it – not forgetting our mortality.

“You just need to realise that life is precious, and remember that every day.”

Regrets of the Dying

I have recently come across a blog written by someone else who has worked in palliative care. She also wrote down and collected the dying thoughts of those she cared for. And now the author, Bonnie Ware, has also published a book based around an article on her site:- Regrets of the Dying.

Whilst its well worth visiting her blog and reading the article, the 5 regrets she highlights are as follows:-

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Apparently this was the most common regret of all. People died knowing it was choices they had made, rather than “circumstances” that had let these dreams slip by. Once your health starts to fade, it becomes increasingly difficult to catch up:-

“Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This was predominately a male concern, many who had missed the golden years of their children’s lives by being at work.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Feelings are usually suppressed to keep the peace with others. However,

“…although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Many had let golder friendships slip over the years, caught up in their own lives:-

“It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Not realising till it was too late that happiness was an option; Stuck in their comfort zone, letting fear of change prevent them from living the life they truly desired. With the ultimate self confidence booster:-

“When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind.”

But before you spend £20 on the book…

Some of these ideas do seem rather cliched and could have been used to close an episode of Desperate Housewives.  And do the dying have any special “clarity of vision” – especially if they are taking high doses of pain killers?

It could be argued that the advice is both selfish and goes against any attempt at stability in your life.  Don’t bother working hard (be lazy – why bother with a career); Say what you think (who cares who you hurt or offend);  Cling onto all friends (which takes some maintenance, other things may be more important); Do what you want (which may mean abandoning family, friends and other structures around you); Be happy (not in itself an achievable  goal).

These regrets are also formed with the benefit of hindsight.  And in some ways a regret is another way of framing “I should have...” or “shouldn’t have“, rather than accepting that throughout life we make choices.  We will all make mistakes, suffer setbacks and failures, but that’s all part of life’s rich tapestry…

And whilst we’re having regrets…

I haven’t touched on the ethical issues relating to this article and book, nor how valid  and reliable the “data” is.  My wife has worked in palliative care for 25 years and says she would be struck off for such an enterprise. And the blog gives no indication of how many subjects or what sort of cross section of society they represented.

But whatever the criticisms, the joy of such  articles and books is it makes you think and reflect.  Question your own life, and in particular reminds you of your mortality.

I frequently reflect on what I have to be thankful for, starting with so many things we take for granted such as living in a safe, stable country with sufficient food and water. I’m sure when my time comes its these sort of thoughts I’ll treasure – the regrets won’t get a look in. How about you?

Photos by David Rogers; bark on Flickr; cogdogblog on Flickr

How would you feel about taking on a job that you were totally ill equipped to perform, where your self confidence was absolutely rock bottom?

A job that entailed making public appearances , being the centre of attention,  when you were shy and reserved.  A job that involved making speeches in front of thousands, and live broadcasts to millions, when you were inflicted by a terrible stutter.

The Kings Weaknesses

I‘m sure many of you have seen the Academy Award winning film, “The King’s Speech“. This depicts the story of how the future King George VI (who wasn’t “scheduled” to be King until his brother abdicated) received help so he could fulfil his royal duties. Even before he became King his role representing the Crown necessitated public appearances and speeches.

The future King 1919

He was plagued from childhood by a series of medical ailments.   His early career in the Navy was somewhat hampered by seasickness (again it was a job that he didn’t have much choice about) and constant stomach problems (later diagnosed as an ulcer). In his 8 years of naval service he spent most of the time in hospital or recuperating.

As well as seeing the film I recently read the book of the same name, based on the diaries of Lionel Logue. He  effectively became the Royal Speech Therapist. What the book makes clearer than the film is the depth of how physically frail and nervous a person the future George VI was.

Colin Firth, who portrayed him in the film, won an Oscar for his stammering and overall performance as this tortured sole. But couldn’t disguise the fact he is 6″ taller and physically very well built.

Confidence in Public Speaking

Many people fear public speaking, and take whatever steps they can to avoid having to face this fear. One of my first posts on this blog was about a young man giving a speech at his fathers wedding!

The reason I wanted to highlight the Kings  Speech was it gives a wonderful example of a person gaining in confidence so he could perform well as a public speaker.  This, despite the fact he had major impediments in his way. To do this he:-

1) Worked VERY HARD, to a degree that would put an Olympic athlete to shame. The future King and Logue initially worked together for 7 months, meeting daily when the royal duties permitted. Even when away on tour, George religiously carried out the exercises set by Logue.

2) The second factor in building his confidence, particularly when George became King and had to broadcast live to millions of people, was the meticulous preparation they went through. Logues role was as much to check the speech and mark spaces to pause for breath – and to change any difficult works that may trip the King.

3)  He had support – not just from Logue but from his wife.  Having strong people around you  for encouragement and to share the pain and triumphs, to motivate when you feel in despair, is incredibly important. And their confidence is infectious.

King George VI

4) What choice did he have? He started from a position of total humiliation (his first major speech in London in 1925) and from having effectively proven unfit for purpose in the Navy.  He had no idea when he started working with Logue that he would one day be King, but needed to be sufficiently confident to perform his then job as the Duke of York.  Had he not been up to the task when he succeeded his brother, in all likelihood the monarchy would have collapsed.

 What if…

I‘m not trying to ignore the fact this was a man born into a position of great wealth and privilege, who of course could afford to pay for the intensive services of Logue. But it was only because of this accident of birth that he was compelled to try and overcome these barriers to his public speaking.

I think this story illustrates you can gain confidence – and become confident enough to perform well – even though you remain fearful and are attempting something that ultimately you are not best suited. Whilst George gained in confidence, he never lost his hatred of the dreaded microphone. As is apparent in the video clip, his stutter never totally went away.

But its also fascinating to  speculate what would have happened if Logue hadn’t emigrated to England (from Australia) or if Georges wife hadn’t persuaded him to “have a last try” after many previous failures at overcoming his speech impediment. And particularly if Logue hadn’t been so accomplished at what was then an unrecognised profession.

Imagine Great Britain with a President instead of a Queen and Royal Family!!!

photos (in public domain) via wikipedia

Stop Worry

Are you a worrier? Worry generates stress, dampens self confidence and makes you feel bad. Can you stop worry? What it doesn’t do is solve problems – in fact worry doesn’t do anything useful as far as I can see.

worry can hinder exam success

Worry comes under the umbrella of anxiety.  And we expect it to be at its worst in pressure filled situations, where we are most desperate to perform our best.  So for a presentation, exam or a race we can caught in a see-saw between confidence and worry as the consequences of performing badly are difficult to dismiss.

I have two daughters currently going through important University exams whose normal self confidence seems to be hiding away somewhere.  They were both revising throughout the Christmas holidays, yet are now gripped by fears of doing badly.  Telling them they may do worse by worrying won’t help either!

Write About Your Worries

The good news for them, and everyone, is that very recent research has found a method of overcoming this problem.  At the University of Chicago Gerardo Ramirez and Sian L. Beilock have conducted experiments on students and tested whether having students write down their thoughts about an upcoming test could improve their scores.

Having allowed the students to do one test normally with no pressure, they then gave a second test but created stressors (using video, financial reward and linking their performance to others in a team). But before completing this second test half the students completed a brief (10 minute) expressive writing assignment – whilst the control group just sat quietly.

The performance of the control group dropped off quite badly once “stress” had been introduced – showing a 12% accuracy drop – whilst those allowed to write showed a 5% increase in performance.

An explanation for this finding was given by the research papers authors:-

“The writing exercise allowed students to unload their anxieties before taking the test and accordingly freed up brainpower needed to complete the test successfully – brainpower that is normally occupied by worries about the test”

Brain Dump

In the same way your computer crashes when it runs out of RAM, it seems that pressure filled situations can drain the brains equivalent processor, or working memory. Lead researcher Beilock has shown through previous research that as worries creep in the working memory becomes overburdened and isn’t able to function as well on the task at hand.

In a different experiment they first tested to identify those who were more prone to worry and exam anxiety nerves.  Getting the experimental group to write about their anxieties about the forthcoming exam (in this case biology) again had a positive impact on results.  But they found the most benefit was for those most prone to anxiety  and it “levelled the playing field such that those students who usually get most anxious during exams were able to overcome their fears and perform up to their potential”

Sian Beilock is, apparently, a well known expert on “choking under pressure”. She believes this type of writing will:-

“… help people perform their best in variety of pressure-filled situations — whether it is a big presentation to a client, a speech to an audience or even a job interview,”

Whilst the writing has to be about the forthcoming pressure situation, many worries are based around up and coming events.  Other research has shown that emotional writing over a period of time can help those suffering from depression.  So it could be a useful thing to try as a more general technique to stop worry.  What do you think?

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Peak Moments

Take 60 seconds and write down the peak moments in your life. Chris Guillebeau, on whose excellent blog that suggestion came defines a peak moment:-

… as a fixed point in time that has strong, positive memories. You summited the mountain! You achieved something monumental! Things will be different now.

Apart from the obvious landmarks, like getting married or having children, most peak moments are time when we stepped well out of our comfort zone. I wrote about one of my peak moments (although I didn’t label it as such at the time) when swimming beneath the Azure Window in Gozo a couple of years ago.

If you do the exercise, how many peak moments were accompanied at some point by strong feelings of anxiety or even fear? I can report from memory, 25 years on, that getting married generates much anxiety for the main participants!

Lets Scare Ourselves

Happy Halloween

As I write this we approach Halloween and there is the usual glut of horror films on TV. Personally I’ve never enjoyed the genre; likewise I’ve never enjoyed the adrenaline rush people get from riding roller coasters.

But just as our peak moments lead to extra adrenaline pumping around our body, as we prepare to fight or flight from danger, we do seek it as well by deliberately submitting ourselves to fear and terror.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. … I think what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive.”  ~ Joseph Campbell

Fear can be fun. Being scared can give us an amazing high. Its a way of jolting ourselves out of our ordinary world and living on the edge. Whilst the likes of Chris Guillebeau have organised their lives to seek adventure, most of us don’t.  To feel more alive we need to use more mundane methods to generate these more intense feelings.

Lets Scare the Children

As a side note, its interesting that we generally encourage children to embrace these scary moments – not that they need much encouragement!  Rides at fairgrounds cater for all ages, many children’s stories have plot lines that seem to have been borrowed from horror films.

Or should that be the other way round? Charlie Higson in the Times 29.10.10 (sorry, no link available) writes

So many fairy tales are based around this idea of monstrous adults trying to devour plucky children. Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, Hansel and Gretel…(And if that’s not a classic horror film set up what is? The mysterious house in the woods, the seemingly kindly person who turns out to be deranged.  This is Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre….)

Charlie also gives an interesting argument that Snow White is a pretty effective horror film for children! But I digress…

Fear of Heights

So fear isn’t just something that, as in the case of Tony Blair, can dominate our lives in a very negative way. We also seek it and use the same body physiology to have peak experiences. Can we somehow combine these two extremes?

Oh what fun!

I enjoyed reading Tyler Tervooren have a go at curing his fear of heights in The Fastest Way to Cure a Fear. His solution was jumping out of an aircraft at 11,000 feet. I’ve no particular fear of heights myself, but that is an experience I’m not looking to copy!

What was most telling was his conclusion:-

And I didn’t “conquer” my fear – I’m still afraid of heights – but I did confront it. I proved to myself that my fear is irrational and even though I still feel it, I can work around it. Getting on a ladder won’t be nearly as scary anymore.

Is our fear of heights  irrational? Even falling from a ladder can result in serious injury. I know if I chose to step out of an aircraft the way Tyler did I would go through the same anxieties as him, although perhaps not as extreme.

For some people just being in an aircraft can induce fear. When we travelled home from holiday in Egypt last June the lady across the isle from me was being comforted by her family as we came into land.  She was visibly shaking and gripped, I assumed, by a fear we were about to crash.

You can argue that a fear of flying is irrational as basically flying is statistically proven to be a safe way to travel.  However, if your thinking dwells on flying itself being irrational – a large, heavy, tin box unsuspended thousands of feet up – then statistics won’t help.

Being in Control

When we sit to watch a horror film, when we strap ourselves into a roller coastline, or, like Tyler step out of an aircraft at 11,000 feet we are choosing to do so.  All those gut wrenching moments in the video are done by choice – undoubtedly after much practice in less scary situations. Whilst we don’t know for sure what will happen or how we will feel, there is an element of control in what is happening.

What is different about Tony Blairs fears are they largely revolve around the reaction to him of other people. However well prepared, he cannot control what happens next.  And his fear isn’t irrational – he has chosen a profession where even those supposedly on his side will put the boot in at any opportunity!

It would be interesting to hear your thoughts on whether trying to rationalise a fear is workable, and to what extent you submit yourself to fear. Do you watch horror films or ride roller-coasters? Most importantly, how do experience being alive?

Photos by Artiom Pontratenko and celineon on flickr

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Life is a constant journey through variables we cannot control, however well prepared.

Tony Blair

Learning to tolerate uncertainty is the key factor in building great self confidence. Unfortunately fear of “what might happen next” – the feeling of uncertainty – can be very unpleasant.

Tony Blair, Driven by Fear

“On 2 May 1997, I walked into Downing Street as prime minister for the first time. I had never held office… my predominant feeling was fear.”

Tony Blair, Prime Minister in the U.K. for 10 years until 2007, published his memoirs (“A Journey”) earlier this year.  I haven’t read them, probably never will, but found it impossible to avoid the  discussion they provoked. What has startled many has been his candid admission that the principal driver behind many of his decisions was fear. In a excellent review psychologist Geoffrey Beattie  sums up:-

“Blair became a master at masking his true emotional state, hiding his terror with that masking smile.”

Yes, that “masking smile” – but hiding terror! What is most amazing is that Blair was always perceived as very relaxed and a great communicator. Yet, as he states, he “never relaxed for a moment.”  Even when he “kept a strong grip on himself” during the day

“I would wake in the morning with the hair on the back of my head damp with sweat. What I could control when awake was overpowering in sleep.”

Why does our body do this?

The feelings and body responses Tony Blair attaches to his fears are things we can all empathise with as have all evolved the same way. The anxiety (or fear) symptoms we all experience are part of the bodies defence system. Its what is know as “fight or flight”, getting ready to deal with threats.

Going back a few thousand years, when humans first roamed the earth, life was a bit more simple. But also more dangerous – man was as likely to be a prey as a hunter. If danger was spotted – and the brain received that message – then there were two simple options:-

flight - run from danger

1) Fight that danger

2) Run away!!! (or Flight)

If you think about it, if you do either of these actions your body is working in the same way. It will be moving fast at in heightened state of arousal. It will need to make full use of its arms and legs, whilst not want to waste energy or non important factors (such as processing the last meal in the stomach).

Lets just reiterate what happened to the body to trigger this fight or flight response.

Danger > Message to Brain > Prepares to Fight or Fight Danger

Now, in modern life we can relate to this if we think about how we would react if confronted with a real physical danger. If walking down the street and we did see a charging bull heading towards us, we wouldn’t just stand and stare! Without making a conscious decision we would run to safety. Once safe we would be aware of our pounding heart, fast breathing, sweat pouring off us, heightened sense of arousal….

Why do we start sweating, or feeling sick?

This list gives a brief explanation of why the fight or flight response leads to particular physical reactions.

Heart & Breathing

So in anticipation of increased exertion, the heart beats faster to pump blood – carrying oxygen – around the body. With this increase in blood pressure your breathing also increases in readiness for more muscular effort.

Muscles

Muscles may feel “tingly” and arms and legs may shake as they prepare to fight or run. Sometime people describe “jelly legs”. Picture athletes preparing to run the 100 metres at the Olympics – their muscles are equally ready.

Sweat

Sweat can serve two functions. It can help cool the body and help the hands and feet grip better (bearing in mind this defence system developed before modern materials made sweaty hands a liability!). I’ve also read that sweat can be an aroma to repel attackers.

Stomach

As I touched on before, the body is usually digesting the last meal you consumed. But in times of arousal, the fight or flight response diverts blood away from the stomach to the peripheral muscles such as the arms and legs. Consequently you can suffer “butterflies” in the stomach or feel the urge to vomit.

Bowel/Bladder

The urge to urinate or defecate can increase as the body needs to make itself lighter, better able to fight or run. Another, less appetising reason (from the pre toilet age) is that this make the body less attractive as a prey, and will deter attackers.

Eyes

The pupils dilate to let in more light and can become “mid range” focussed – you need to be able to take in as much information about your potential attackers. This can be experienced as a blurring of vision if, for example, you happened to be engaged on something near by.

Disassociation

You may have read about accounts from battles, where protagonists didn’t realise they had been badly hurt, or even shot, until after the event. This is again a way of the body protecting itself, but for panic attack sufferers it can be a most alarming symptom. Everything feels unreal, you feel detached from reality.

The problem is that most of the time this fight or flight response doesn’t help us with modern day fears.  Our brain doesn’t distinguish between a message saying its a real physical attack, or just an insult from another politician! So when Tony Blair literally described his weekly session of questions from fellow Members of Parliament as “bowel-moving” he wasn’t exaggerating!

photos en.wikipedia.org and woodleywonderworks – latter on Flickr

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The other evening my wife and I went for a walk at a local beauty spot. It was a lovely, late summer evening and quite a few others were making the most of the occasion. But one thing got my attention. For about 5 minutes everyone we passed, young and old, had a mobile (cell) phone pressed to their ear!

Because of the advantages of phones, being able to contact help in an emergency for instance, we tend to view them as helpful, even essential tools.  A UK survey in 2008 introduced a new word to me “nomo-phobia” – fear or anxiety of being out of mobile phone contact! This apparently affects 53% of mobile phone users – 20% saying such a scenario would be as stressful as moving house or breaking up with a partner.

The same survey had 20% of the 2163 questioned saying they never switched off their phone, 10% saying their job required them to be contactable at all times. Another way of looking at that statistic is to say 90% have chosen to use their phone the way they do, rather than being required by employers.

Do Mobile Phones Cause Stress?

I‘m not being a technophobe nor anti phone. I do possess a mobile phone, as do all my family. I just don’t keep it switched on, using it for occasional essential communication when away from a mainline phone.  I personally would hate to be constantly available.

Another, slightly older (2005)  study, has found that the use of mobile phones has blurred the boundaries between work and home life. The results, initially published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, showed that increased use of phones and pagers was linked to a decrease in family satisfaction and increased stress over a two year period.

Researchers found work worries carrying over into home life caused by cell phone use had negative consequences for both men and women, but only women suffered from the opposite effect with carry-over from home causing increasing stress at work.

The results suggest that for women, spillover from both work and family worries and responsibilities negatively affects their level of stress and family satisfaction.

Reading that last result I can immediately picture a couple of female work colleagues trying to sort out family problems from their phone whilst at work. Both have said they couldn’t imagine life without their mobile, as if their world would fall apart without it.

Trouble is, we allow fears of “what if” to permeate our thinking. We fear we may miss an important call, let someone down, not be instantly available for our boss or loved ones.

I haven’t touched on the irrigation and stresses mobile  phones  cause when you are stuck in a room, train, restaurant, meeting or wherever and someone starts a conversation with a distant stranger. Don’t get me started – I’m just relieved I no longer commute by train!

My main point is to simply reflect on how you use you mobile/cell phone, and be honest about whether it causes you more stress than it solves. And ask yourself, would your world come crashing down if you switched it off occasionally?

Last week I started a series of posts on stress, and below I have included an article that gives a very good overview of the impact of stress on our modern world. It also includes a few “calming techniques”, but I will return to this in the future.

The article author, Jennifer Summers, is also the writer of “The Ultimate Guide to Health & Happiness“, one of the few books that I have reviewed and recommended.

The Stress Epidemic

The statistics are truly shocking…

• Over 19 million Americans are currently suffering from stress and anxiety related disorders.
• Up to 75% of people in employment are dissatisfied or unhappy with their jobs.
• Stress related accidents are increasing year on year.
• Stress levels have increased substantially in children, teenagers and the elderly.
• The majority of people that are suffering from such stress disorders refuse to seek medical help.
• Stress is now considered to be a key factor in health complaints such as stomach disorders, certain cancers and heart condition.

Stress is not simply a problem, or even an epidemic; sadly it has now actually become a way of life for the majority of people!

WHY ARE WE BECOMING MORE STRESSED?

As the statistics above demonstrate, the biggest group affected by ‘stress’ appears to be those in employment. This doesn’t suggest we would be better off not working, merely that working conditions are felt to have become more demanding in recent years.

In addition to those in the workplace, children and teenagers are also becoming more prone to anxiety, perhaps due to ‘peer pressure’.

The aged too are increasingly becoming concerned, they are living longer, may have financial worries and many fear for their safety.

Modern life has become very demanding. Mobile phones mean that we are almost always contactable; leisure time has become reduced for many, replaced by longer working hours and health risks have increased with a rise in cancers and ‘new conditions’ constantly being discovered.

IS ANYONE SAFE FROM STRESS?

All of us will experience situations that may cause us to become ‘stressed’ or feel ‘anxious’.

Reasons are too many to note but can include, buying a property, having guests stay over (in-laws!), being bullied, exams, looking after children, managing finances, relationship issues, travelling etc.

Stress is a ‘normal’ function of everyday life. Only when it appears to take over our lives does it then become a problem.

WHY DO WE BECOME STRESSED?

Everyone will have different reasons why a situation causes them pressure. As a rule it’s usually when we don’t feel in control of a situation, then we feel it’s grip tightening around us causing us to feel worried or ‘stressed’.

SO WHAT’S THE ANSWER?

If stress is caused by us not ‘feeling in control’ of a situation, the answer is to try and reverse this, and ‘retain control’.

EXAMPLES:

If you’re not happy at work, for whatever reasons, speak with your boss and try to work out a solution that would make you feel more comfortable.

If you don’t get on particularly well with someone you know (partner, family, friends), rather than bottling it all up inside – talk to them about it. You’ll either strengthen your relationship or not but either way the problem will be out of your system.

If you know you have an exam or deadline looming, don’t wait until the night before to try and get everything done as this just puts undue pressure on yourself.

Examples of stressful situations are endless and I’m sure we can all think of many that affect us personally. Often we spend too much time looking for answers instead of simply analysing the cause.

CALMING TECHNIQUES:

Write down all the areas in your life that currently cause you to feel stressed.

• How much is your attitude responsible rather than external factors?
• What could you do differently to change this?
• How would you like these situations to be?
• How do you feel this can be achieved?

Try and keep your answers realistic and recognise that every problem has a solution.

REMEMBER:

1. Experiencing a stressful situation is not uncommon.
2. Stress is a warning and should be taken seriously.
3. Look at what may be causing you to feel this way (Is it you or the situation, perhaps both)
4. Communicate – talking or writing about your issues may help ‘get things off your chest’
5. Finding the solution to our stress can often seem easier ‘said than done’ but there is a solution out there, don’t be afraid to look for it.

Don’t become another ‘stress statistic’, retain control over your life and enjoy it.

Good luck,

Jennifer Summers
http://www.howto-findhappiness.com

P.S. I’ve developed a TOOLKIT called “How To Find Happiness”. It comes complete with many ‘Stress Busting’ exercises & techniques, guides to Time and Anger Management plus lots more. A must for anyone interested in managing their stress & gaining a new perspective on life!
Check out ===> http://www.howto-findhappiness.com

photo by nate steiner on flickr

I don’t know about you, but I dislike the word failure. It’s very negative and, to me, sounds quite final. However…

Failure and rejection won’t kill you. You may think that it does and it may feel like it almost will just after it has happened. But it won’t. Instead it makes you stronger. It makes you more confident in yourself.

That’s a quote from Henrik Edberg on his ever successful Positivity blog.  Coincidentally I linked to him the last time I devoted a post to the topic – Overcome a Fear of Failure.  On that occasion Henrik had been quoting Oprah; this time he has 10 great quotes and argues that by failing you build an inner strength and grow as a person.

Do we have to learn from failure?

I‘ve also been drawn to another blog post on the topic, this time by Dragos Roua, who says

I started a personal development blog because I know every imaginable thing about failure. I’ve been there so many times, I can’t even remember. I had failures in business, I had failures in personal and social relationships, in school, in my job (back when I had one) and, generally speaking, wherever you’ll find a consistent life niche, you can bet all your money that I had at least one major failure there. And you’ll win big time.

In his post, Learning from Failure, Dragos sets out his 6 stages of personal development – very much based on learning from the lessons of failing. I did suggest in a comment on that post that you’d need events to be pretty big, as in his examples (e.g. business failure) to have this sort of effect.

Perhaps my problem is I’ve never suffered such life events. My life hasn’t been a bed of roses, but my early problems from a lack of confidence meant I avoided things. I didn’t suffer the angst of rejection or a broken heart, because I didn’t have the nerve to speak ask any girl for a date until I got lucky and met my wife, in my mid twenties!

But last week I effectively failed 4 young adults. I interviewed them for a job which they were all keen for, well suited and generally interview well. But there was only one post and the job went to the 5th candidate who ticked more boxes.

Did they gain confidence from the experience, come out stronger as Henrik suggests? From speaking to them afterwards to tell them they were unsuccessful, absolutely not. I cannot imagine how being told there is someone better than you would ever be confidence building.

Does Unsuccessful = Failure?

In Overcome a Fear of Failure I said

No one wants to fail. No one enjoys failure. I’m sure Thomas Edison would have been more than happy if his early experiments worked – or The Beatles had they been signed by Decca! The difference between those at the top and the rest of us is whether we persist after failure – how desperately we want to achieve something.

That quote does miss one important point. At some point people do give up.  The Beatles and Edison ultimately succeeded because they had talent that ultimately paid off.  Many bands try for years to get recording contracts – but will never get one because they are not good enough or not creating what people want to buy. Likewise people have all kinds of crazy inventions that don’t have the significance of the light bulb.

Definitions of failure effectively put it as the opposite of success, being unsuccessful. However, failure is a far more emotive word. It does imply an ending. When I spoke to the interviewees above, I said they had been unsuccessful – not “you’ve failed”!

Don’t be afraid of  making mistakes or not getting what you wanted (being unsuccessful) – recognise these things will happen from time to time if you step outside your comfort zone. And stepping outside your comfort zone, learning to cope with the feeling of uncertainty that this brings, is one of the key ways to build self confidence.

Do we need to fail?

Several of Henrik’s quotes suggest that overcoming failure, and not giving up,  is part of being successful. Another such quote is from Thomas Edison himself:-

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

I have to say I don’t agree with him. Part of being successful is being able to reflect and learn; to be able to plan, gather information and make good decisions. Yes, knowing what you want – having goals – is essential. But knowing when to adjust them in light of experience is as important.

“Failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. You don’t fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgement, repeated every day. ~ Jim Rohn

I don’t think the concept of failure is useful in personal development. At worst it will lower self esteem, rather than raise self confidence.  But what do you think? Do you think its is an essential stepping stone, without which success has no foundations?  And do you agree with Henrik, and think it does build self confidence?  Please comment below…

photo by meddygarnet on flickr