"Being confident is not always the same as being good at something"? That interesting statement appeared recently on another blog, My Life with Angels, which in turn was responding to a post by Maggie Stiefvater. On several occasions I have touched on the issue of whether being good at something is a key way to develop self confidence or healthy self esteem.  My favourite, How to Build Self Confidence Through Activity, looks at examples of children being taught karate, ballet and magic tricks.  I expressed doubt at the choices of ballet or karate,  as many fall by the wayside.  Unless you reach a certain level of competence neither activity will develop self confidence. Whilst success at an activity can help with self confidence, the argument from the other bloggers was you don’t have to first attain success or accomplishment to feel self confident. 

This can also be illustrated by many who have achieved fame and fortune as writers or in entertainment – they had confidence in themselves despite many rejections and little in the way of accomplishment to sustain them. This is well summed up by this quote from the "Angels" blog:-

"Self confidence is the fuel that moves us forward, makes us take one more step, to give it one more try, and has nothing to do with results or talent."

But where do we get that "fuel" if not from achievement? Maggie’s argument is that what made the difference to her was just deciding "to be confident". Setting herself goals and deciding she would achieve them. Then creating an environment around her – including people – that will reinforce that belief:-

"… especially if you surround yourself with the trappings of confidence. That room that is just for you and your writing, because you are going to make it your living. The people you surround yourself with: confident, make-it-happen people, because you will always rise to the meet the expectations of the people around you…"

This is drifting more towards having healthy self esteem, as to me this is the "fuel" (or "foundation" if you want a different analogy) of self confidence.  If you feel good about yourself, if you respect yourself, then you know you can achieve your goals.

Michael Jackson

If you have low self esteem you can achieve great things, but still dismiss them or never feel a genuine sense of accomplishment. I linked the addiction problems of some celebrities to low self esteem in the Myth of the Addictive Personality.   Sadly recent events have highlighted another example.

My most vivid Michael Jackson memory was his 1993 Oprah Winfrey interview. I remember watching the show and thinking two things: 1. This is the most talented person I’ve ever seen. 2. This person has the lowest self-esteem of anyone I’ve ever seen. Noah St John

I think this quote speaks volumes.  It is always sobering when someone the same age as me, someone I’ve "known of" virtually through out my life, dies suddenly. But its such a tragedy that someone so talented was unable to function in a way that enabled him to truely enjoy that talent

Self Esteem Exercise

One exercise to build self esteem is to list everything that is good about you, your life. And this can include things you have achieved, however minor. Things you can do that not everyone else can.

The trick is to start seeing these things as good – not something "that anyone could have done" or "everyone has got."  We are composed of many attributes and talents. There are many great things in the environment around us. And we interact daily with many wonderful people.

"I cried because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet."

Sadly, we grow up with many more negative messages that positive ones.  We get told what we have done wrong, rather than praised for what we have done right.  We learn to focus on what we cannot do rather than what we can, on how we have failed to reach perfection, rather than accomplished something wonderful. So whilst I agree with the original statement, "being confident is not the same as being good at something", I would turn it around as ask yourself "what am I good at?"  If this doesn’t produce a long list, and doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, its time to do some more work on your self esteem. We all have talents.  We need to appreciate what our talents are, to cherish and nurture those talents.  Its a tragedy when those with great talents fall by the wayside. Photo by Current News Stories on Flickr

It’s the season for award ceremonies – particularly in the world of entertainment.  We’ve just had the Grammies and Bafta, not to mention SAG, Golden Globes, Emmys… the list is endless.   Tonight things reach a climax with the 81st Academy Awards, the Oscars.

Other industries do have awards, although there isn’t such a song and dance made about them. Good companies also have staff recognition schemes, where individuals or groups/teams have awards for “going the extra mile”. This normally would imply some achievement or additional effort that takes them beyond their basic job description.  Or benefits the organisation in some way in the eyes of its customers.

Whether you are winning (sorry, receiving) an Oscar or some staff recognition award, its nice to have some positive feedback from your peers and superiors that they think you’ve done a good job.

Getting good feedback or recognition happens in other ways. My twin daughters both work at a local restaurant. Waitressing remains one of those jobs where it is still custom to give tips for “good service”, although this practice has been abused and diluted by restaurants adding a flat “service charge” to the bill.

Despite the fact that the restaurant they work at is a pub with pretensions of being a restaurant – awful name “gastropub” – they do pretty well for tips. Last week they were both working one night and one daughter returned upset and angry. She’d spent the evening just servicing one large party, who had left virtually nothing in tips.

However, her frustration turned to joy the following shift. Someone from the party had sent a thank you card, containing a small remuneration, to the manager thanking the restaurant for such a nice evening and singling out my daughter for particular praise and  “working hard to make the evening special”.

The manager pinned the card to the staff room wall, and there’s been no living with her since!

Now it’s fairly clear that both our self esteem and self confidence are given a huge boost when we receive praise, thank you’s and other recognition for a job well done. One important point though is to ensure you accept such feedback properly. Don’t say “it was nothing” or “anyone could have done that”.

No-one receives an Oscar and says “I don’t really deserve this, anyone could have done what I did .. I just showed up and did my job”  So, learn to accept feedback and enjoy the moment. Say thank you, but, again, don’t dilute or try to shrug off your achievements.

Whilst watching award ceremonies can be excruciating, its quite interesting to see how recipients are generous in their praise and thanks of others (we just wish they didn’t have so many to thank!).

The other point relating to building your own confidence and self esteem is to give yourself appropriate positive feedback and “achievement awards”. Unfortunately, saying thank you and handing out praise isn’t as widespread as in the entertainment industry.

Criticism can be more likely than recognition at times. And as I said above, recognition is usually for doing something out of the ordinary and beyond your usual job or role.  You can work hard and contribute greatly, but if thats what you normally do it goes unrecognised!

Get in the habit of being pleased when you have done a good job – be it at home, school, work, wherever. Don’t find fault, find strengths. If you have perfectionist tendencies start chipping away at your unrealistic aspirations. Treat yourself as you would a friend – give yourself praise for doing a good job, rather than waiting for things to be perfect.

Saying thank you to others is also something that can indirectly improve our self confidebce and self esteem. This is osmething we should get in the habit of doing naturally, and not allow it to become a forced or “corporate” led activity. Giving positive feedback should come naturally, being aware you are helping others through what you say is a nice side effect of saying “thank you“.

Photos by davierae and  psd on Flickr

I have done bits and pieces on assertiveness in the past, this post brings everything together to give an overview of this important skill – otherwise known as confident communication.  How to be assertive means

“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.” (source unknown)

When we think of unassertive behaviour, we tend to automatically focus on passive or weak responses to the demands of others. But aggression is also non assertive, as is manipulative or sarcastic language and behaviour.

Passive Behaviour

I’m not OK…but you are Passive behaviour is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs. Passive behaviour is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”.

Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger. Examples of passive behaviour include:- Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting Speech is rambling Apologizing all the time Putting yourself down Agreeing to things you don’t want to do or backing down Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” “sorry to bother you”

Aggressive Behaviour

I’m OK… but you’re not! Aggressive people can be surprised if anyone suggests that they should learn to be more assertive. Because, unlike passive people, they may actually be getting what they want. Getting what you want by being a bully may work in the short term, but longer term it leads to anger, fear and resentment in others.

We can all think of examples of people who use direct aggression as a way of communication. A bulldozing, “get out of my way”, style that is intolerant of others opinions – or just doesn’t listen – that leads the recipient to feel put-down, a loser (unless they respond aggressively themselves!). Verbal aggression as a communication style ultimately shows no respect or attempt at empathy for the other person.

Arrogant, over-bearing, opinionated – basically acting in a way that meets their needs only by ignoring (or violating) another persons. If you learn to be aggressive it can give the appearance of self confidence. This may be real, but it can also mask insecurities that you avoid facing by erecting a vocal barrier. Some examples of direct aggression are: Stating opinions as facts Shouting, finger wagging Interrupting Threatening and blaming Giving orders Putting others down Making assumptions Its important to remember we’re looking at communication behaviours, not emotions. You can still get angry, whatever style you use – including assertiveness!

Indirect aggression

Manipulative behaviour is perhaps a better label than indirect aggression as its hard to perceive this as aggression – this isn’t hurting is it? Well, you are manipulating other people’s emotions to get what you want. You make them feel guilty, so that the only way of relieving that guilt is to give in to your request.

Sarcasm, deception, insinuating, ambiguity are all tools of indirect aggression. Using the example of requesting someone to work a shift and being declined, a manipulative response would then be:- “You would do it if you cared about me” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t really want to go to the concert anyway” Like direct aggression, indirect will meet needs in the short term by getting what we want. But long term it creates anger, resentment and frustration in others.

How to be assertive

I’m OK … and you’re OK Being assertive is about being able to clearly state what you think and how you feel.  You stand up for your beliefs and make your own decisions. You acknowledge other peoples point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. An assertive person looks for ways to solve problems or challenges, giving praise or constructive criticism where needed. Body language is relaxed, but not cowed. Voice is clear, steady and firm.

How to be assertive is all about having self confidence. You can approach situations positively whilst listening to, and understanding, someone elses point of view. Its about respect for yourself, and others.

I have posted a Bill of Rights which you may want to revisit as is another way of summarizing what being assertive means.  Here are some examples:- I have the right to: respect myself to have my own opinions and values and share them with others to be listened to express my feelings ask for what I want (accepting I may not always get it)

Say No

Its one thing knowing what assertiveness is, another to actually be assertive.  Like many aspects of change, initially identifying a problem and working out after the event how you would like to have spoken can be useful. Practice saying out loud the type of assertive responses you want to make. The more confident you become with your rehearsed responses, the easier it becomes to start putting them into practice. I gave several examples of how to say no on an earlier post. A “simple no” is can be more aggressive than assertive (depending on how it is said). The best ones to practice are a “reasoned no”, “raincheck no” and in particular “broken record”.

Express Feelings

A useful way to express feelings is to use the following structure:- “I feel ….” “I feel …. when you …..” “I feel …. when you …. because ….” For example “I feel upset when you shout at me” or “I feel angry when  you keep leaving me that to do because its not my job” What’s important is not to either take responsibility for others emotions or blame them as a person – in the above examples the link is with particular behaviour (”shout at me”) and appearance (”looking tired”) . If you had said “you’ve made me upset” or “you make me feel guilty” then you are holding them responsible for how you feel – which is not the idea!

As with saying no, its best to avoid including apologies. Again, you are simply saying how you feel. If you get in the habit of saying how you feel there and then, it avoids feelings “bottling up”. The danger of “bottling up” is that when you do express yourself, built up frustration and anger from previous occasions will come tumbling out.

Body Language

Don’t forget, a large percentage of any communication (over 70%) is transmitted by body language and pitch of voice. Revisit how to look confident for tips on posture. Practice your assertive messages in front of a mirror, or with a friend. Use a video camera to see how you look – it could be a real eye opener. I work with someone who comes out with very appropriate language. Unfortunately her body language and tone of voice makes her messages come across as quite aggressive. I need to have a word with her about how to be assertive! On Twitter? If you enjoyed this post, click here to tweet this post! (I’m sure your followers will find it useful it as well). Thank you

Photos by clairity gianmaria and kalandrakas from Flickr

When I stated this blog 18 months ago, some of my early posts were on saying no. However, my posts then were barely a paragraph long at times. Writing the past two posts on criticism, and being unable to properly link to this related skill, I thought it useful to update.

You have a right to say no

Ironically this post coincides with my daughter being asked (and agreeing) to do an extra  shift at the restaurant she works at. The examples below were based around a request to work someones shift when I originally wrote them.

Saying yes when you would rather say no causes YOU stress

Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness).  It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs. One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs.  Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked. But, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused.

You only have so many hours in the day – whatever you agree to take on means you are unable to do something else

True friendship is based on recognizing each others needs, not just our own. If saying no to someone makes them angry and stomp off – well what sort of friendship is that?  They will go and find someone else to take advantage of.

If you lack confidence, you tend to avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses – creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you. So the first aim is to say no without apologizing.

Don’t get in the habit of telling lies to avoid having to do something

Simple No

The first technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest – but  not always the easiest!  By just saying “no” and nothing else you may feel rude or aggressive.  But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it. And if you remain polite, no offense should be taken. No apologizing, be direct and succinct.

“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”

”No, I cannot.”

“Please, I really need tomorrow off”

”No”

“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”

“No, I’ve made clear I can’t.”

Reasoned No

You can still give a genuine reason, without opening up any discussion as to your availability:-

“No, I’ve got to do some family commitments”

“No, it’s not possible I’m busy”

“No, I don’t want to”.

The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology – “I’m sorry… ” Or “I’m afraid…”

The other person may have a problem, may be very needy - but you don’t have to take it on board or feel it’s your responsibility to meet that need.

Don’t vaguely agree (“I’ll try to be there”) or give an uncommitted response to something you know you don’t want to do.

Broken Record

A useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer.  If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, it’s tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no.  This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies. Again, no explanation – just repeat.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day” -

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else; you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

Reflective No

A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way.  It shows you are listening to the person, acknowledge what they are saying, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic saying assertively saying no.

So following on the above dialog:-

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“I know you want to go away, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (”I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and that the only day we can do that.  I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)

Rain Check No

A “rain check no”, says a clear no to the current request but does respond with a positive offer:-

“I can’t work your shift tomorrow as I’m doing something; however I can help out later in the week if that’s any help?”

The bottom line is to only make an offer if you genuinely want to, as you are opening up negotiation. Don’t add a “rain check no” to ease your guilt – stick to the reasoned no above.

When in doubt say no. Its easier to change your mind and say yes later than the other way round.

Clarification

Responding with a question and asking for information, is another way of stalling whilst clarifying the exact request being made. It’s not giving in, but simply clarifies what is being asked.

“Does it have to be tomorrow, its very short notice?”

“Why ask me, you know I always have an evening class on Wednesdays?”

Again, don’t start apologizing or giving in – like the rain check “no”, this is simply away of clarifying the situation and putting the onus back on the requester. You can also open up the request by throwing in questions of your own

“I cannot work tomorrow, but didn’t you want to discuss how we are going to cover the public holiday?”

When asked by a manager to do something that conflicts with other demands on your time, ask for help in prioritizing. Point out you can’t do everything – at least not to the standard you would give with 100% commitment. Often managers are themselves passing down pressures/demands from their manager – but it shouldn’t mean you have to do the impossible.  if they have a problem saying no, doesn’t mean you should as well.

To make any changes, you need to practice.

This post is about saying no, rather than negotiation. If agreeing to a request does suit you, but you want something from the other person, then learning to negotiate is another skill worth developing. But thats for another post.

If you have low self esteem, criticizing others is worse than receiving criticism (as we hate to offend or upset other people)

Cartoon kind permission Tom Fishburne

Sadly many adults avoid promotion because they can’t face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticize others. So lets start learning to criticize, or change the behavior of others, when you have to:-

1) Take care when choosing the time and place. Ideally only the person you’re criticizing should be present. Deal with one issue – don’t save up loads of problems for one big battle!

2) Make it as soon after the incident as possible. At least ensure everyone is calm when you start! You cannot control the other persons emotions, but don’t start when you’re fed up and frustrated, or still furiously angry.

3) When preparing its worth using a criticism sandwich, or the hamburger method. Basically you say something nice to the person you’re criticizing, then you insert the criticism, then you end with another thing that’s nice,  positive or flatters them.

Praise “You did a good job building rapport with that client. I could tell they were eager to tell you their problem.”

Criticism “Don’t be too quick to jump in. Silences are part of the process, you don’t have to fill them. Unless things are going off track, go with the flow.”

Praise “The client seemed to be relaxed and comfortable. This initial session went really well, and they’ve agreed to a follow up. Excellent.”

Of course, the problem with this method is the criticism can get  lost if you overdo the praise as a way of avoiding confrontation or upsetting the other person. And there are times, especially if its a serious issue, when you need to come straight to the point. In the above example if the criticism was…

“Don’t be too quick to jump in, and telling the client to shut up and saying you couldn’t give a toss about their problem isn’t appropriate”

… then you’re moving beyond a sandwich!

4) Criticize the behavior, not the person. Describe whatever behavior needs to be addressed. Don’t start labeling the person – for example as being lazy, inefficient or stupid.

5) Express how you feel. You may not feel anything, but if you do, use the formula:-

I feel …

I feel … when you …

I feel … when you … because…

for example

“I feel angry and let down when you arrive so late because it delays the whole project and wastes everyone else’s time.”

6) Use “I” rather than “you” as much as possible. The word ‘I’ shows you’re in control and that you’ve thought about what you’re saying. It also helps avoid labeling and becoming accusatory.

7) What do you want to happen? Give specific advice about how you expect the other person to now behave or what other action they should now take. Perhaps possible consequences if they don’t change. Be prepared for this before you start.

Don’t forget to revisit some of my past posts on being assertive and saying no. As with assertiveness generally, correct criticizing is about valuing and building relationships, not destroying them.

I was woken up this morning to the rather distasteful image of Gordon Ramsey and Graham Poll – in shorts. Both were being interviewed on TV before setting off on the London marathon.

Gordon Ramsey is a well known TV chef, who has an international empire of top restaurants (well, at least 3). He has built his TV reputation by a constant use of bad language – whatever the type of show he is doing. His early TV work was more about him in his restaurants, where his employees were at the receiving end of his bullying and swearing.

Graham Poll was a top referee within the English Soccer Premiership. Since he retired he has been critical of how the top players and teams try to bully and intimidate referees. Whatever his thoughts (he has an autobiography to sell!) its quite clear that the top sportsmen (and most highly paid) in this country respond to decisions against them with verbal abuse, descent, at times physical aggression and intimidation.

Before seeing these characters this morning I had already planned to reflect on how some people do rise to the top by using anger in an aggressive way and being “effective” bullies. I have written in the past about assertiveness as an alternative to direct (Are you a bully?) or indirect aggression (manipulative behavior). My arguments have been that it is better to be assertive rather than aggressive.

What I have found irritating is that we seem to relish this bullying rather than condemn it. Gordon Ramsey’s swearing and his humiliation of staff on TV gets huge ratings. Most reality TV has a degree of humiliation involved, or contestants are criticized in a hostile way by “experts”. Alan Sugar, who does the British version of “the Apprentice”, says the producers edit out scenes where he is laughing and joking with contestants.

Are all strong managers bullies? Well recent in research 44% of managers claim to have been bullied in the past year. In separate research 69% of employees said they had been bullied by a colleague or manager.

When you lack confidence in a particular situation, you are more likely to feel intimidated by those around you. Also, if anyone displays aggressive anger towards you, you are less likely to respond in a way that stops that behavior.

In most places of work verbal aggression – any anger that involves raised voices in my opinion – is not necessary and should not be tolerated. To be classified as intimidation, harassment or bullying it would need to happen more than once. Whilst there will be legal and employer definitions – you can personally decide how you feel and which word describes that feeling.

My employer has a bullying and harassment policy which, I’m sure like most, encourages matters to be resolved informally. Easier said than done? I’ve no research to quote, but I suspect that most people who display aggression or bullying would never consider themselves to be either. Also, they may be very unaware of the impact of their behavior.

So, learn to tell people how they make you feel.

You don’t have to do it there and then – that used to be my big problem. I used to get angry with myself as I could never think fast enough on my feet to respond appropriately to either inappropriate requests or verbal aggression.

Going back to someone and telling them how their behavior made you feel will take courage the first time you do it. If needs be, take someone with you. But using the assertiveness techniques (where you can practice and work out what you are going to say) focus on the particular behavior:-

“John, I would like a word about yesterday. Please don’t shout at me. When you lose your temper and shout you make me feel humiliated/bullied/very intimidated..”

“But you made a huge mistake …. you lost …. you…”

“I’m not here to discuss that or anything else – I’m not saying I didn’t do something that was an error. I’m here to say how I feel when you shout at me. Its not something I’m prepared to tolerate.”

The last bit is to try and illustrate the broken record technique – don’t get drawn into discussing what may have caused their behavior. Even if you did cost the firm billions, just repeat your statement about their behavior.

OK – this may not work in all situations – depending on the culture of your country and that particular industry. If you’re in the military, there will be different parameters. But even so, there will be situations that go into unacceptable behavior.

Sometimes, its more appropriate to put things in writing – especially if there are several occurrences. If nothing else, record incidences in a diary format and get others in a similar situation to do the same.

Make sure you are aware of what policies your organization has re harassment and bullying, or any sort of grievance. Likewise, be clear about what did and did not happen – write things down when they happen. It helps your confidence to come from a situation of strength.

Photo credits reportergimmi (top) and dailyinvention

I came across this great post recently What you can learn about blogging from Britney Spears – even the title is great! Michael Martine makes some interesting observations and I recommend reading – thanks to Chris Garrett for the original link.

What I found most stimulating was that Michaels observations can apply to life in general, not just blogging. For instance “You can’t really care what others say”

Britney is surrounded by people who fawn over her and satisfy her every desire, while in the media she is the subject of endless speculation, gossip, criticism, and the butt of jokes.

I have said in a previous post on popularity, the most criticised people in the world our the Presidents, Prime Ministers and other leading politicians. In fact the above quote probably applies to them as well!

If you care too much about what others say about you, your self confidence will be constantly rocked – or you will spend all your time agreeing with others, trying to avoid saying anything offensive and generally getting nowhere fast. I have done several posts about being assertive, and I feel confident communication is the foundation of building great self confidence and self esteem.

In England we don’t celebrate thanksgiving, but today on radio, television, newspapers we have been “roasting” one man called Steve McClaren. The England soccer team failed to qualify for next years European Championships after a woeful display last night. I cannot imagine what it must be like for Steve, the now sacked manager, to go through being pilloried like that.

The easiest way for Steve to cope is not read the papers or watch TV. But however much filters through to him, it still comes back to having faith in your own abilities and not allowing criticism to alter that judgment.

As well as expressing feelings, another thing that we can avoid if we lack self-confidence is expressing opinions. If you are asked for an opinion, the simplest route is to give honestly and without apologizing. This is an area where if you are in the habit of trying to please others, you’re going to have to make some changes!

If you try to avoid offending or upsetting people by agreeing with them all the time, then you will never command any respect from them – or yourself. As with feelings, keep it simple and personalize –

“I think…”,

“I like…”,

“I would not like…”,

“I would prefer…”,

“In my opinion…”

“It seems to me that…”

This isn’t the same as insisting that you are right or that your point of view must prevail. It may be that everyone else thinks differently and the group consensus decides a different direction to yours. Or your boss decides that despite your view, he will do what he thinks best! Unfortunately, life isn’t always win/win.

The bottom line is that if you are asked for your opinion, or to make a choice, you should give it honestly and without apologizing. And within conversations, meetings, discussion – any forum for communication – if you are to be part of it, give your opinion. Don’t be a lurker!

My posts on confident communication, or assertiveness, have looked at how to say no, and types of behavior that are not assertive – such as passive, manipulative and aggressive. I also went over a “bill of rights“, that expands on the underlying mindset behind assertiveness.

One right is to be able to say what or how you feel, and what you want. Being unable to say how you feel can lead to frustration, and ultimately conflict. If you feel strongly about something, its important to acknowledge it, and make others aware of how you feel.

A useful way to express feelings is to use the following structure:-

“I feel ….”

“I feel …. when you …..”

“I feel …. when you …. because ….”

For example “I feel upset when you shout at me” or “I feel guilty when I see you look so tired because I’m not able to work more”

What’s important is not to either take responsibility for others emotions or blame them as a person – in the above examples the link is with particular behavior (“shout at me”) and appearance (“looking tired”) . If you had said “you’ve made me upset” or “you make me feel guilty” then you are holding them responsible for how you feel – which is not the idea!

As with saying no, its best to avoid including apologies. Again, you are simply saying how you feel. If you get in the habit of saying how you feel there and then, it avoids feelings “bottling up”. The danger of “bottling up” is that when you do express yourself, built up frustration and anger from previous occasions will come tumbling out.

Some things are quite hard to say, but the structure above should help keep it simple. And if you are simply saying how you feel, and possibly why, its hard for someone to come back and argue with what is basically a “statement of feeling”. If they do, you can reiterate the same way:-

“I don’t shout at you” – “I’m simply saying that I get upset when you do shout at me”

“I’m not tired” – “OK, but I’m just saying that when you do look tired I feel guilty, because I’m able to work more.”

Remember, the more you practice, the easier it gets.

I hope you like the new theme – I’ve spent most of the weekend “tweaking” rather than getting down to 1001 other things I had planned!

Indirect aggression – I find this the most interesting of behavior types as I know its a style I have been guilty of drifting into from time to time. I’ve never been directly aggressive and since my teens I have gradually moved away from being passive. But being slightly devious or manipulative?!

Manipulative behavior is perhaps a better label than indirect aggression as its hard to perceive this as aggression – this isn’t hurting is it? Well, you are manipulating other people’s emotions to get what you want. You make them feel guilty, so that the only way of relieving that guilt is to give in to your request.

Sarcasm, deception, insinuating, ambiguity are all tools of indirect aggression. Using the example from saying no, a request for someone to work a shift would have follow up lines like:-

“You would do it if you cared about me” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t really want to go to the concert anyway”

Like direct aggression, indirect will meet needs in the short term by getting what we want. But long term it creates anger, resentment and frustration in others.