How would you feel about taking on a job that you were totally ill equipped to perform, where your self confidence was absolutely rock bottom?

A job that entailed making public appearances , being the centre of attention,  when you were shy and reserved.  A job that involved making speeches in front of thousands, and live broadcasts to millions, when you were inflicted by a terrible stutter.

The Kings Weaknesses

I‘m sure many of you have seen the Academy Award winning film, “The King’s Speech“. This depicts the story of how the future King George VI (who wasn’t “scheduled” to be King until his brother abdicated) received help so he could fulfil his royal duties. Even before he became King his role representing the Crown necessitated public appearances and speeches.

The future King 1919

He was plagued from childhood by a series of medical ailments.   His early career in the Navy was somewhat hampered by seasickness (again it was a job that he didn’t have much choice about) and constant stomach problems (later diagnosed as an ulcer). In his 8 years of naval service he spent most of the time in hospital or recuperating.

As well as seeing the film I recently read the book of the same name, based on the diaries of Lionel Logue. He  effectively became the Royal Speech Therapist. What the book makes clearer than the film is the depth of how physically frail and nervous a person the future George VI was.

Colin Firth, who portrayed him in the film, won an Oscar for his stammering and overall performance as this tortured sole. But couldn’t disguise the fact he is 6″ taller and physically very well built.

Confidence in Public Speaking

Many people fear public speaking, and take whatever steps they can to avoid having to face this fear. One of my first posts on this blog was about a young man giving a speech at his fathers wedding!

The reason I wanted to highlight the Kings  Speech was it gives a wonderful example of a person gaining in confidence so he could perform well as a public speaker.  This, despite the fact he had major impediments in his way. To do this he:-

1) Worked VERY HARD, to a degree that would put an Olympic athlete to shame. The future King and Logue initially worked together for 7 months, meeting daily when the royal duties permitted. Even when away on tour, George religiously carried out the exercises set by Logue.

2) The second factor in building his confidence, particularly when George became King and had to broadcast live to millions of people, was the meticulous preparation they went through. Logues role was as much to check the speech and mark spaces to pause for breath – and to change any difficult works that may trip the King.

3)  He had support – not just from Logue but from his wife.  Having strong people around you  for encouragement and to share the pain and triumphs, to motivate when you feel in despair, is incredibly important. And their confidence is infectious.

King George VI

4) What choice did he have? He started from a position of total humiliation (his first major speech in London in 1925) and from having effectively proven unfit for purpose in the Navy.  He had no idea when he started working with Logue that he would one day be King, but needed to be sufficiently confident to perform his then job as the Duke of York.  Had he not been up to the task when he succeeded his brother, in all likelihood the monarchy would have collapsed.

 What if…

I‘m not trying to ignore the fact this was a man born into a position of great wealth and privilege, who of course could afford to pay for the intensive services of Logue. But it was only because of this accident of birth that he was compelled to try and overcome these barriers to his public speaking.

I think this story illustrates you can gain confidence – and become confident enough to perform well – even though you remain fearful and are attempting something that ultimately you are not best suited. Whilst George gained in confidence, he never lost his hatred of the dreaded microphone. As is apparent in the video clip, his stutter never totally went away.

But its also fascinating to  speculate what would have happened if Logue hadn’t emigrated to England (from Australia) or if Georges wife hadn’t persuaded him to “have a last try” after many previous failures at overcoming his speech impediment. And particularly if Logue hadn’t been so accomplished at what was then an unrecognised profession.

Imagine Great Britain with a President instead of a Queen and Royal Family!!!

photos (in public domain) via wikipedia

The other evening my wife and I went for a walk at a local beauty spot. It was a lovely, late summer evening and quite a few others were making the most of the occasion. But one thing got my attention. For about 5 minutes everyone we passed, young and old, had a mobile (cell) phone pressed to their ear!

Because of the advantages of phones, being able to contact help in an emergency for instance, we tend to view them as helpful, even essential tools.  A UK survey in 2008 introduced a new word to me “nomo-phobia” – fear or anxiety of being out of mobile phone contact! This apparently affects 53% of mobile phone users – 20% saying such a scenario would be as stressful as moving house or breaking up with a partner.

The same survey had 20% of the 2163 questioned saying they never switched off their phone, 10% saying their job required them to be contactable at all times. Another way of looking at that statistic is to say 90% have chosen to use their phone the way they do, rather than being required by employers.

Do Mobile Phones Cause Stress?

I‘m not being a technophobe nor anti phone. I do possess a mobile phone, as do all my family. I just don’t keep it switched on, using it for occasional essential communication when away from a mainline phone.  I personally would hate to be constantly available.

Another, slightly older (2005)  study, has found that the use of mobile phones has blurred the boundaries between work and home life. The results, initially published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, showed that increased use of phones and pagers was linked to a decrease in family satisfaction and increased stress over a two year period.

Researchers found work worries carrying over into home life caused by cell phone use had negative consequences for both men and women, but only women suffered from the opposite effect with carry-over from home causing increasing stress at work.

The results suggest that for women, spillover from both work and family worries and responsibilities negatively affects their level of stress and family satisfaction.

Reading that last result I can immediately picture a couple of female work colleagues trying to sort out family problems from their phone whilst at work. Both have said they couldn’t imagine life without their mobile, as if their world would fall apart without it.

Trouble is, we allow fears of “what if” to permeate our thinking. We fear we may miss an important call, let someone down, not be instantly available for our boss or loved ones.

I haven’t touched on the irrigation and stresses mobile  phones  cause when you are stuck in a room, train, restaurant, meeting or wherever and someone starts a conversation with a distant stranger. Don’t get me started – I’m just relieved I no longer commute by train!

My main point is to simply reflect on how you use you mobile/cell phone, and be honest about whether it causes you more stress than it solves. And ask yourself, would your world come crashing down if you switched it off occasionally?

I have recently joined a new service called “Shy Networking“.  As a lifelong introvert, although I would no longer describe myself as shy, networking has never come easy. Likewise for one of the team behind Shy Networking, professional blogger Chris Garrett.

My main reason for joining was to learn how to network online, which basically I’m very poor at. Whilst I have learnt (the hard way) to network reasonably effectively face to face, I’ve not been able to carry that forward on the internet.

This is somewhat ironic, as theoretically it should be easier for a shy or introverted person to network where there is no face to face contact.  However, I’ve started to realise that some of the principles behind networking go deeper than just being able to cope with meeting strangers. Just because I can “do” face to face networking doesn’t mean I’ve been good at it?!

Brian Tracy

I recently saw a Brian Tracy video on the 10 essentials  for success. One of these was contacts – the number of people who know you in a positive way. He stressed never take rejection as a sign of lack of interest or take it personally – people are busy.

“Some will, some won’t, so what…  next.“

The more people you know, the more likelihood of the right person being there at right time. His key method to build contacts was to always look for ways to help. However, that’s easier said than done.

Time will tell if I can improve and build my network via Shy Networking and it proves worth the money.  But it has got me reflecting about networking,

here are my suggestions on what can help:-

Be prepared

Some early advice from Shy Networking is not to launch into a prepared “elevator pitch” or speech. However, you can expect somewhere along the line to be asked certain questions.  Like going for an interview, being prepared to answer those expected questions can give you confidence.

This isn’t the same as launching into a slick “pitch”.   It just giving some thought to what are the main things you want to put across that give someone else the chance to be interested in you.  Whatever job you do, or interests you have, they can be made to sound interesting or dull.

And part of the problem may be your reluctance to talk about yourself and what you do, to blow your own trumpet as it were. Whilst the most common advice is to be genuinely interested in others, you’ll never get anywhere networking unless you are comfortable talking about yourself and being at least a little bit interesting!

Learn to tolerate uncertainty.

This is a key to  self confidence in any situation. We cannot control our environment, especially in any situation where we are meeting new people. Recognise that feeling of anxiety as quite normal, view the event as an exciting challenge rather than major threat.

Look Good

Like tolerating uncertainty, getting into the habit of looking confident takes a bit of practice.  It goes beyond what you are wearing (important as that is) and into how you stand and walk. At least 70% (some give a much higher percentage) of our message is delivered by our body language.

Learn to Relax

One of my problems was finding my voice got lost and I needed to shout to make myself heard. This wasn’t so much a problem with having a poor speaking voice, but a reaction to tension. Relaxation is the opposite body state to tension.

The more you practice simple relaxation techniques, the easier it becomes to make it your “default setting”. Quite often people don’t realise how tense they are. Tension can easily become a habit you slip into without your knowing it.

Nurture the Connection

Networking isn’t just about making connections, enduring the event, and then escaping.  To make it worth doing you need to be prepared to take things to the next level.

If you are at an event where you are unlikely to meet people again face to face in the near future, ensure you have some means of following up. That partly means securing an address (particularly email or Twitter) or number – usually via business card. But also leaving with some memory of the worthwhile connections you made and having some idea how to sustain the conversation.

This could be as simple as sending them a link to a favourite site linked to a mutual interest, or something else likely to be of interest to them. Don’t send them anything promoting yourself unless they specifically asked for it.

Have you any tips on how to network?

photographs by pasukaru76 and Matt from London on Flickr

Its 150 years since the publication of what is now regarded as the first self help book – Samuel Smiles “Self Help“.  Still on sale today – and apparently a big seller in countries such as Japan and China.  But when first published it sold 20,000 copies in its first year, and by the time of Smiles death in 1902 had sold over 1/4 million copies. In the 19th Century it was only out sold by the Bible!

In a recent radio program it was said Smiles book was published on the same day as “On Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin.  I cannot find any other proof of that fact. Either way,  it could be that Smiles message “Heaven helps those who help themselves” was reassuring to a society held together by Christian beliefs.

But the underlying message from Smiles was that success came through dedication and hard work.  He didn’t appear to believe in the concept of “genius”, all those he portrayed in his case studies got there by hard graft and application. Interestingly, this is a central theme of Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book, Outliers.

The End of Self Help?

I write this as some have been predicting the end of self help, with a flurry of headlines such as  Sorry Oprah: Self-help books seldom helpful

As in my last post, regarding self confidence being  genetic, the reports are journalistic interpretations of some recently published research. The original article,”Positive Self-Statements: Power for Some, Peril for Others”, published in Psychological Science has the following abstract:-

Two experiments showed that among participants with low self-esteem, those who repeated a positive self-statement (“I’m a lovable person”) or who focused on how that statement was true felt worse than those who did not repeat the statement or who focused on how it was both true and not true.
… Repeating positive self-statements may benefit certain people, but backfire for the very people who “need” them the most.

The researchers argument being positive self statements, or affirmations,  don’t work is because they are being used to get someone to believe something that they don’t believe.  The research found that when used by people with high self esteem they did have a slight improvement in how they felt.

This is not the first time I have come across challenges to affirmations or positive thinking generally. It is overly simplistic to implore someone to “be postive”, as if just saying the words will bring about change.

In my main post on affirmations to date, Build Self Esteem with Affirmations, I reflect on my own use of affirmations, but also on some other negative effects.  Apart from the nonsense of the Law of Attraction, I wrote:-

Another argument against affirmations is they don’t engage your brain in problem solving, nor tap into our creativity and imagination. In other words they encourage a passive use of the brains massive power.

Affirmations can encourage bad thinking habits, by encouraging to much focus on the self.  I went over these in three posts earlier this year. For example an affirmation could be

“I always communicate in a clear and assertive manner”

Even if you are a good communicator, you are unlikely to always be clear and assertive. So such an affirmation is likely to lead to frustration and negative self talk when you fail to live up to this.

Write affirmations you can believe

Personally, in the above example, I would use “I am a good communicator”, as an affirmation. My negative automatic thoughts can readily recall and deliver memories of where I have messed up – fluffing my line in a school play 39 years ago being one of them! I will forever remember 15th March as “the Ides of March” as my one line (as soothsayer in Julius Caesar) was

“Beware the Ides of March” – I could never remember  “Ides”…..

There have been many other mess ups since – but I choose to remind myself of the positives.  Linked to the affirmation, I would list times I have done very well as a communicator.

Going back to the research, even though I now have what I think is healthy self esteem, I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying “I’m a loveable person” (which was used for the experiment).  My affirmations are more reminders of what is good about my life:- “I have a wonderful family”

I see affirmations as a useful tool to help reinforce positive thinking.

But they don’t work as a stand alone method to change how you feel about yourself. You need to learn to challenge your negative thoughts, not assuming that every thought you have is a fact.

If your negative thoughts are being fed by underlying negative beliefs about yourself, then again take them apart and start questioning and challenging them.  Once you tease out a new belief that you have backed up with evidence, then its time to start using affirmations to reinforce and establish that belief.

Affirmations can be a useful tool – but they are not a magic wand that can miraculously transform your life with no other effort.

Top two photos by manunderstress,  nayrb7 on Flickr

I‘ve just returned from a family holiday to Portugal that was over far too quickly.

Whilst we were away my twin daughters hit the magic
age of 18. As with any parent, there are times you wish you could do things without your children. But I’m still glad all three of my
children (the eldest is 21) still wanted to come on holiday with us.

If  left to me to organize we probably wouldn’t go anywhere. I enjoy having a break from everyday routine, focussing on enjoyable activities and the increased company of family or friends. But having not travelled greatly when younger, I’ve always viewed the organization and “getting there” with trepidation.

For example I’ve never hired a car when overseas and would be the first to admit that the main reason is a lack of confidence. Its only recently I’ve ever hired a car in the UK, never previously having reason to. But its amazing how easily we can create invisible barriers around us through a lack of confidence in trying something new.

And whilst my children are happy to go on a family holiday, all three have organized overseas trips for the summer – with friends rather than parents!

6 Pillars of Self Esteem

Before going on holiday I started working through the book  6 Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Here is an overview of the principles he calls pillars:-

Self-acceptance: Being willing to experience whatever we truly think, feel, or do, even if we don’t always like it. Facing our mistakes and learning from them.

Self-responsibility: Establishing a sense of control over our lives by realizing that we are responsible for our choices and actions at every level – the achievement of our goals, our happiness, our values.

Self-assertiveness: The willingness to express appropriately our thoughts, values, and feelings – to stand up for ourselves. To speak and act from our deepest convictions.

Living consciously: Paying attention to information and feedback about needs and goals. Facing facts that may be uncomfortable or threatening. Refusing to wander through life in a self-induced fog.

Living purposefully: Setting realistic goals (given an honest awareness of our strengths and weaknesses) and working to achieve them, rather than living at the mercy of chance and outside forces. Developing self-discipline.

Integrity: The integration of our behavior with our ideals, convictions, standards and beliefs – acting in congruence with what we truly believe is right.

As I have said before, its frustrating that any book that is written to help people make changes is presented as a “book” rather than manual – you tend to read it  like a novel rather than stop to do the exercises.  That said,  I have only got as far as the first pillar,  Living Consciously, as I have been trying to follow Nathaniel’s  directions to the letter.

Expanding on living consciously, he says  it’s:-

to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values and goals and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know… monitoring our actions relative to our goals..   the art of self noticing

The technique he encourages you to use to increase your self consciousness, is sentence completion. At the beginning of the day complete sentences such as:-

If I bring 5% more awareness to my activities today….

then at the end of the day:-

When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5% more awareness to my activities….

Just setting aside time to do these exercises (there are 6 sentences to complete) is difficult. I will give more detailed review in a future post (committing myself to finishing the book!), but I cannot say I have found it easy – or as yet productive.

Describe Your Empowerment Stance

Rather than dashing out to buy 6 Pillars of Self Esteem, you may be better served by trying to find your Empowerment Stance.  This article, written by Jeanie Marshall, is a good example of how to organize information to enable people to do things – rather than just read and pass on.

Within the article Jeanie has placed a 3 minute audio – listen to this first as it gives a great perspective on how creating an Empowerment Stance Description can help pull you back into a position of feeling self confident. As Jeanie puts it:-

This self development technique will help you to remember, or perhaps more accurately, will provide you with a path to lead you back to the feeling of empowerment and self confidence, or any other feeling you want to feel.

As is made clear in the audio, describe yourself when you are feeling truly empowered, full of self confidence and enthusiasm. WRITE THIS DOWN. The article goes into questions to ask yourself to help describe and pin down how you are feeling and what dynamics are happening within you.

Jeanie finishes the article looking at how particular words can reinforce the Empowerment Stance Statement. Don’t be put off by the word “empowerment” – as a technique to build self confidence its quite simple. It comes down to being able to recall feeing confident at moments when that confidence has evaporated. And at the moment it does seem a lot simpler than Dr Brandens sentence completion technique!

Lower photo by taubuch on Flickr

This post is about my weekend. An enjoyable, but not particularly remarkable weekend. What’s this got to do with self confidence or self esteem?  The main philosophy of this blog is that to improve self confidence, self esteem or anything you need to learn skills that help, rather than adopting any “system”. Being able to reflect and learn from experiences is an important part of that process.

Salisbury Cathedral

Have a Plan

On both Saturday and Sunday I woke up and knew what I was going to be doing and when. There wasn’t a tight, pressured, timetable but I had a plan for each day. Like many, at work I use a diary to schedule appointments, meetings, etc. But weekends and evenings, or whenever our leisure time is, we tend to shy away from planning as its too much like work.

As I mentioned recently, only 17% of our waking hours are spent at work during our lifetime. Planning how we spend our time ensures we do what is important to us.

Friends

Following an impromptu phone call last week my wife and I met up with friends Saturday lunch time. I was at college with Mike nearly 30 years ago and we have kept in touch – he is godfather to my eldest daughter – but meet ups and telephone conversations have been rare recently.  It didn’t take much effort to meet – Salisbury, “half way” was only an hour away – but sometimes you just get out of the habit.

Friendship is valuable but easy to neglect.

Its Nice to Talk

Apart from meeting friends, the significance of driving up to Salisbury was my wife and I spent about two hours together in the car. Alone. And, yes, we talked to each other! There is a quaint saying which I’m sure applies to many couples:-

passing like ships in the night…

Its so easy to forget, or get so wrapped up in day to day routines, that if you’re spending your life with someone its nice to talk every now and then! And if there are problems or difficulties, they are best resolved by talking and problem solving together.

Pursue Hobbies and Interests

I have written before about pursuing things you enjoy. my main “active” hobbies are photography and geocaching. This weekend I made a point of doing both. We found 3 geocaches and I took about 25 photographs. Neither are momentous – to me the joy of both is the process, its not about numbers.

But its about engaging in activities I find satisfying.

I’m not a great photographer and some of my favorites from the weekend illustrate this page. Both hobbies are also ways of seeing and enjoying the world around us.

Family

I only live a mile from my mother, even less to mother-in-law (both widows). Yet it is so easy for time to go by with minimal contact, or just talking over the phone.

Like the issue with friends, for most of us families are an important foundation in our lives. But we can take them for granted.

This weekend I made the effort and invited them round for a meal on Sunday. Effort, what effort?! It took just a phone call and hardly any extra preparation.

Focus

Part of my planning my weekend was deciding what television I was going to watch. Its so easy to drift into watching hours of TV without planning to see any of it. I like television and feel it has a major role in educating, informing and entertaining. But needs using with caution!

One programme I made a point of watching on Saturday night that was a tribute to a British producer of comedy programmes, Geoffrey Perkins, who was killed in a traffic accident in August. He appeared to have been involved in practically every TV show of the past 30 years and numerous actors and coomedians lined up to pay tribute. What was common  in the tributes was how pleasant he was:-

Geoffrey never had a bad word to say about anybody, whatever the provocation, and nobody had a bad word to say about him. He was a genuinely special individual: loyal, brilliant, generous, kind, modest, supportive, strangely good at pub quizzes and bloody funny. Peter Bennet-Jones

But the other trait of Geoffrey that made him so prolific and successful was his ability to focus.  As a producer he had to deal with and pull together the varied elements that go to make a TV comedy show – including the fragile egos of its stars. He was able to focus on the core elements that made the shows work – and politely ditch what didn’t.

So, be pleasant and be very clear what you are focusing on. Sounds simple doesn’t it!

Remembrance Day

In the UK we have a long established custom of buying and wearing poppies as a mark of respect and to remember those who have given their lives in war.  This culminates on Rememberance Sunday with a two minute silence:-

Remembrance Sunday is the day traditionally put aside to remember all those who have given their lives for the peace and freedom we enjoy today. On this day people across the nation pause to reflect on the sacrifices made by our brave Service men and women.

I’m 50 and never had to, or volunteered for, military service. My grandfathers brother was killed during World War One. My generation has made few sacrifices by comparison.

Remembering the sacrifices of others so we can lead the lives we do, again, doesn’t take much effort. It can also put into perspective our current grumbles and problems.

When I stated this blog 18 months ago, some of my early posts were on saying no. However, my posts then were barely a paragraph long at times. Writing the past two posts on criticism, and being unable to properly link to this related skill, I thought it useful to update.

You have a right to say no

Ironically this post coincides with my daughter being asked (and agreeing) to do an extra  shift at the restaurant she works at. The examples below were based around a request to work someones shift when I originally wrote them.

Saying yes when you would rather say no causes YOU stress

Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness).  It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs. One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs.  Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked. But, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused.

You only have so many hours in the day – whatever you agree to take on means you are unable to do something else

True friendship is based on recognizing each others needs, not just our own. If saying no to someone makes them angry and stomp off – well what sort of friendship is that?  They will go and find someone else to take advantage of.

If you lack confidence, you tend to avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses – creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you. So the first aim is to say no without apologizing.

Don’t get in the habit of telling lies to avoid having to do something

Simple No

The first technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest – but  not always the easiest!  By just saying “no” and nothing else you may feel rude or aggressive.  But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it. And if you remain polite, no offense should be taken. No apologizing, be direct and succinct.

“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”

”No, I cannot.”

“Please, I really need tomorrow off”

”No”

“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”

“No, I’ve made clear I can’t.”

Reasoned No

You can still give a genuine reason, without opening up any discussion as to your availability:-

“No, I’ve got to do some family commitments”

“No, it’s not possible I’m busy”

“No, I don’t want to”.

The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology – “I’m sorry… ” Or “I’m afraid…”

The other person may have a problem, may be very needy - but you don’t have to take it on board or feel it’s your responsibility to meet that need.

Don’t vaguely agree (“I’ll try to be there”) or give an uncommitted response to something you know you don’t want to do.

Broken Record

A useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer.  If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, it’s tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no.  This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies. Again, no explanation – just repeat.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day” -

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else; you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

Reflective No

A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way.  It shows you are listening to the person, acknowledge what they are saying, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic saying assertively saying no.

So following on the above dialog:-

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“I know you want to go away, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (”I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and that the only day we can do that.  I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)

Rain Check No

A “rain check no”, says a clear no to the current request but does respond with a positive offer:-

“I can’t work your shift tomorrow as I’m doing something; however I can help out later in the week if that’s any help?”

The bottom line is to only make an offer if you genuinely want to, as you are opening up negotiation. Don’t add a “rain check no” to ease your guilt – stick to the reasoned no above.

When in doubt say no. Its easier to change your mind and say yes later than the other way round.

Clarification

Responding with a question and asking for information, is another way of stalling whilst clarifying the exact request being made. It’s not giving in, but simply clarifies what is being asked.

“Does it have to be tomorrow, its very short notice?”

“Why ask me, you know I always have an evening class on Wednesdays?”

Again, don’t start apologizing or giving in – like the rain check “no”, this is simply away of clarifying the situation and putting the onus back on the requester. You can also open up the request by throwing in questions of your own

“I cannot work tomorrow, but didn’t you want to discuss how we are going to cover the public holiday?”

When asked by a manager to do something that conflicts with other demands on your time, ask for help in prioritizing. Point out you can’t do everything – at least not to the standard you would give with 100% commitment. Often managers are themselves passing down pressures/demands from their manager – but it shouldn’t mean you have to do the impossible.  if they have a problem saying no, doesn’t mean you should as well.

To make any changes, you need to practice.

This post is about saying no, rather than negotiation. If agreeing to a request does suit you, but you want something from the other person, then learning to negotiate is another skill worth developing. But thats for another post.

You may have noticed the new theme! Still quite basic as I haven’t started tweaking the customization facility. It will keep me busy next week. I will also add, my eldest daughter is 21 tomorrow. I’m both very proud, and feel very old!!!!!!!!!!

Not everyone agreed with last weeks criticism sandwich, some feeling giving praise at the same time weakens the message. Like everything I write on this blog, it is up to you to find what suits. There are no rules carved into stone saying how you “must” behave.

Like giving criticism, receiving criticism can be difficult if you have low self esteem. Looking back at assertiveness, our responses to criticism can follow the same behavioral patterns:-

Passive – we believe everything the person is saying

Indirect aggression – agree at the time or say nothing, but then go off and sulk or be critical to others about the person who criticized you.

Direct aggression – angrily deny and challenge everything that is said to you.

Criticism may be unfair – and when it is we need to counter it by putting our own case succinctly and calmly. But some criticism is justified – and if we’re sensible we can learn from it. Often when we’re criticized, we’re so hurt that we start excusing ourselves and rebutting what’s being said without really listening to it.

The most important point is to listen to what is being said and ensure you are clear you understand the points being made. If necessary, ask for an example or clarification. Don’t interupt and start excusing yourself or arguing.

Once you have the other persons message clear, you have three choices:-

1) If you totally disagree with what is being said, smile, and say something like

“I’m afraid I don’t agree with you”
“You appear to have got your facts wrong”
“No, I don’t agree with your opinion”

The point is to reject the criticism firmly, but politely. If possible add a positive personal statement

“With my commitment to project XXXX  I would have no reason to YYYYY”

Also, try to fathom out what evidence they have for thinking that way and being critical

“What makes you think I did this?”

2) When the criticism is partially true – this will often happen because people seldom make just one point, but throw in any other ongoing issues or problems at the same time! So use the opportunity to quickly apologize and pass over on the true stuff:-

“You’re correct, I did arrive 10 minutes late this morning. But I totally disagree with…”
“Yes, I should have informed you I would be on a training course that morning. The issue regarding…”

3) Which bring us on to dealing with criticism that is justified. The bottom line here is – admit it, apologize, move on.  Many of us find it hard to admit we’ve made a mistake or been lacking in our standards.

“I agree, I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I’m sorry it upset XXXXX”
“I agree, I have been late on several occasions this month. I’m sorry I’ve let you down.”

You can add, if appropriate, how you feel, and what you intend to do about any behavior that needs improving. The act of agreeing and apologizing can take the wind out of the critics sails – if they’ve been bracing themselves for a fight, your agreement will quickly bring the meeting to a close.

You can also throw back the criticism to their problems, such as

“Does this make things difficult for you?”

If you are being criticized you will probably want to move on from it as quickly as possible. But do take time to consider what you have learnt from the criticism. Do you need to change your behavior?  Criticism is part of everyday communication. Learn from it where necessary, but don’t let it defeat you.

If you have low self esteem, criticizing others is worse than receiving criticism (as we hate to offend or upset other people)

Cartoon kind permission Tom Fishburne

Sadly many adults avoid promotion because they can’t face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticize others. So lets start learning to criticize, or change the behavior of others, when you have to:-

1) Take care when choosing the time and place. Ideally only the person you’re criticizing should be present. Deal with one issue – don’t save up loads of problems for one big battle!

2) Make it as soon after the incident as possible. At least ensure everyone is calm when you start! You cannot control the other persons emotions, but don’t start when you’re fed up and frustrated, or still furiously angry.

3) When preparing its worth using a criticism sandwich, or the hamburger method. Basically you say something nice to the person you’re criticizing, then you insert the criticism, then you end with another thing that’s nice,  positive or flatters them.

Praise “You did a good job building rapport with that client. I could tell they were eager to tell you their problem.”

Criticism “Don’t be too quick to jump in. Silences are part of the process, you don’t have to fill them. Unless things are going off track, go with the flow.”

Praise “The client seemed to be relaxed and comfortable. This initial session went really well, and they’ve agreed to a follow up. Excellent.”

Of course, the problem with this method is the criticism can get  lost if you overdo the praise as a way of avoiding confrontation or upsetting the other person. And there are times, especially if its a serious issue, when you need to come straight to the point. In the above example if the criticism was…

“Don’t be too quick to jump in, and telling the client to shut up and saying you couldn’t give a toss about their problem isn’t appropriate”

… then you’re moving beyond a sandwich!

4) Criticize the behavior, not the person. Describe whatever behavior needs to be addressed. Don’t start labeling the person – for example as being lazy, inefficient or stupid.

5) Express how you feel. You may not feel anything, but if you do, use the formula:-

I feel …

I feel … when you …

I feel … when you … because…

for example

“I feel angry and let down when you arrive so late because it delays the whole project and wastes everyone else’s time.”

6) Use “I” rather than “you” as much as possible. The word ‘I’ shows you’re in control and that you’ve thought about what you’re saying. It also helps avoid labeling and becoming accusatory.

7) What do you want to happen? Give specific advice about how you expect the other person to now behave or what other action they should now take. Perhaps possible consequences if they don’t change. Be prepared for this before you start.

Don’t forget to revisit some of my past posts on being assertive and saying no. As with assertiveness generally, correct criticizing is about valuing and building relationships, not destroying them.

I was woken up this morning to the rather distasteful image of Gordon Ramsey and Graham Poll – in shorts. Both were being interviewed on TV before setting off on the London marathon.

Gordon Ramsey is a well known TV chef, who has an international empire of top restaurants (well, at least 3). He has built his TV reputation by a constant use of bad language – whatever the type of show he is doing. His early TV work was more about him in his restaurants, where his employees were at the receiving end of his bullying and swearing.

Graham Poll was a top referee within the English Soccer Premiership. Since he retired he has been critical of how the top players and teams try to bully and intimidate referees. Whatever his thoughts (he has an autobiography to sell!) its quite clear that the top sportsmen (and most highly paid) in this country respond to decisions against them with verbal abuse, descent, at times physical aggression and intimidation.

Before seeing these characters this morning I had already planned to reflect on how some people do rise to the top by using anger in an aggressive way and being “effective” bullies. I have written in the past about assertiveness as an alternative to direct (Are you a bully?) or indirect aggression (manipulative behavior). My arguments have been that it is better to be assertive rather than aggressive.

What I have found irritating is that we seem to relish this bullying rather than condemn it. Gordon Ramsey’s swearing and his humiliation of staff on TV gets huge ratings. Most reality TV has a degree of humiliation involved, or contestants are criticized in a hostile way by “experts”. Alan Sugar, who does the British version of “the Apprentice”, says the producers edit out scenes where he is laughing and joking with contestants.

Are all strong managers bullies? Well recent in research 44% of managers claim to have been bullied in the past year. In separate research 69% of employees said they had been bullied by a colleague or manager.

When you lack confidence in a particular situation, you are more likely to feel intimidated by those around you. Also, if anyone displays aggressive anger towards you, you are less likely to respond in a way that stops that behavior.

In most places of work verbal aggression – any anger that involves raised voices in my opinion – is not necessary and should not be tolerated. To be classified as intimidation, harassment or bullying it would need to happen more than once. Whilst there will be legal and employer definitions – you can personally decide how you feel and which word describes that feeling.

My employer has a bullying and harassment policy which, I’m sure like most, encourages matters to be resolved informally. Easier said than done? I’ve no research to quote, but I suspect that most people who display aggression or bullying would never consider themselves to be either. Also, they may be very unaware of the impact of their behavior.

So, learn to tell people how they make you feel.

You don’t have to do it there and then – that used to be my big problem. I used to get angry with myself as I could never think fast enough on my feet to respond appropriately to either inappropriate requests or verbal aggression.

Going back to someone and telling them how their behavior made you feel will take courage the first time you do it. If needs be, take someone with you. But using the assertiveness techniques (where you can practice and work out what you are going to say) focus on the particular behavior:-

“John, I would like a word about yesterday. Please don’t shout at me. When you lose your temper and shout you make me feel humiliated/bullied/very intimidated..”

“But you made a huge mistake …. you lost …. you…”

“I’m not here to discuss that or anything else – I’m not saying I didn’t do something that was an error. I’m here to say how I feel when you shout at me. Its not something I’m prepared to tolerate.”

The last bit is to try and illustrate the broken record technique – don’t get drawn into discussing what may have caused their behavior. Even if you did cost the firm billions, just repeat your statement about their behavior.

OK – this may not work in all situations – depending on the culture of your country and that particular industry. If you’re in the military, there will be different parameters. But even so, there will be situations that go into unacceptable behavior.

Sometimes, its more appropriate to put things in writing – especially if there are several occurrences. If nothing else, record incidences in a diary format and get others in a similar situation to do the same.

Make sure you are aware of what policies your organization has re harassment and bullying, or any sort of grievance. Likewise, be clear about what did and did not happen – write things down when they happen. It helps your confidence to come from a situation of strength.

Photo credits reportergimmi (top) and dailyinvention