If you have 1 minute 40 seconds to spare…

Simple, concise and to the point. Whether you agree with all he teaches (or preaches), Brian Tracy is a great communicator. And on this occasion, if you want to use goal setting this is a great technique to get you under way.

Its just over a year since I last wrote specifically about goal setting, as September 23rd marks the 100 day count down till 2011.

Finish the Year with a Bang?

In my post in 2009 I linked in with a promotion for Gary Ryan Blair’s “100 Day Challenge“.  As I say in that post, there is some useful free material made available – in the hope you sign up for his “challenge“.  I wimped out last year, I can’t see myself as an “UNSTOPPABLE POWERHOUSE” – can you?!!

One recurring theme of Gary’s is this accountability – the assumption being that having someone else hold you accountable is an additional driving force to achieving goals. At the end of that post I discuss how the success of organisations like Weight Watchers is their “group accountability”.

However…

Should You Keep Your Goals to Yourself?

Unlike Brian Tracy, I’d never heard of Derek Sivers until following a link to this video. But his message is also very clear, makes sense and appears to have some evidence behind it.

If you skipped the video, Derek’s message is that the “feel good” factor you get from sharing your goals with others lessens the probability of your achieving them. The mind gets tricked into feeling you’ve “done”, rather than get you moving onto the first steps.

This is the opposite of the “accountability” model, which I must confess I had never really thought of as flawed in this way.  Whilst I can see the logic in Derek’s argument, I certainly wouldn’t abandon sharing if it has worked for you.

I’m sure there is an element of fear of disapproval from others that drives people who share their goals.  If you are going to Weight Watchers you don’t want to be the one who puts on weight? I cannot see that you always get gratification by sharing your goals.  What do you think – please leave any comments below?

“If you don’t change your direction, you’re likely to end up where you’re heading.”  Chinese proverb.

Vote for Change?

In the UK we are in the throws of an election campaign.  The main opposition party, and favourites to win, have as their slogan “Time for Change“.  Its not unusual for politicians to promise change, and promote themselves as the agent of change.

What surprises me is why its considered a winning slogan – when generally speaking we all seem to hate change.  In our day to day lives we stick to ingrained habits – whether its what we eat, what we do, or how we think.

Desperately Seeking Something?

I recently saw an episode of one of my favourite television shows, “Desperate Housewives”. Like many locations in TV land they have more than their fair share of disasters and trauma; this episode was the post air-plane crash where several characters were in life or death (or life changing) situations.

The whole show was made up of flash backs and “flash forwards” – what would their life be like if….  Whilst these were big issues they were projecting, it was interesting to see that by scaring themselves with their “if…” projections the characters could make decisions.

The exercise can be equally startling and useful for any of us to do – but project with NO CHANGE IN WHAT YOU DO...

“What would my life look like in 5 years time, if nothing changes?”

It doesn’t have to be 5 years – chose whatever feels appropriate.  But remember to ask yourself after you’ve done it “Is this where I want to be?”

For most of us, change gets forced on us – such as being made redundant or some other crisis. Changing direction when not forced upon us appears more difficult. Even when we’re putting up with frustrating or less than satisfactory situations – until we reach breaking point. Its easiest to take the line of least resistance and do what we’ve always done, what we are comfortable with.

Honey We’re Killing the Kids

This was another television show I wrote about a couple of years ago in “what habits do you want to change?” Here they projected, in a quite scary way, what some children would look like if they continued their current poor eating and exercise habits.

Ethically somewhat dubious (what reaction would the kids get at school next day!) the programme, as ever, crammed change into a 3 week time frame. My thoughts then were:-

The idea of doing this sort of exercise is not to scare you or make you depressed. But the statement above ends “if my current habits don’t change”. If you like what you see, fine, don’t change. But if you don’t, the answer is simple – you need to make changes in your habits. Don’t do what they do on the TV show and make drastic changes in 3 weeks. Using problem solving to decide what changes you’d like to make, then plan how you you do them. Then – action.

The exercise in question being to project your own life as a way of reviewing your current habits and behaviours, as above.  Whether or not you set goals, are you heading in the right direction?

Do you have to wait for a crisis to make those changes? Of course not. And do you have to scare yourself silly with an image of what might happen if you don’t change? Again, no, and its not always going to be a motivator. Many smokers, drinkers and over eaters know the consequences of their habits, but chose not to dwell on this image.

But it can be a kick-start, if you are honest with yourself.  Only you can answer whether or not the direction you’re heading is where you want to be. And even if you make no changes, you’re still heading somewhere!

photo by somedriftwood on flickr

One of my favourite posts is  How to Develop Will Power. As I say within it, will power is a somewhat overlooked characteristic within personal development writing. Its something we generally perceive as “difficult” or something we don’t possess.

We can all conjure up times we’ve  given into temptation (and had that cake) or apathy (didn’t go to the gym) – in other words been weak willed. And its very easy to fall into black and white thinking, mentally beat ourselves up, and use those slip ups as irrefutable evidence that we don’t have will power.

My reasons for bring this up again are twofold.

1) As the earlier post discusses, will power (or mental strength, however you want to re-frame it) is a useful character trait to develop as part of building self confidence.

2) It links in well with a new theme I’ve recently added to this blog – finding fulfilment. And a big part of feeling fulfilled, is getting in the habit of doing – pursuing the occupations that give us satisfaction.

Find Your Passion

Its been said by many that the key to success and fulfilment is to pursue your passion.  And if you do what you love, follow this passion, then its “not work”.  If you do what brings you great pleasure, then life is one long vacation.

Mmm, perhaps. Let me quote Nate St Pierre  posting on the excellent Escaping Mediocrity blog:

The truth of the matter is that, no matter what all the folks who are “internet famous” will tell you, passion is not profitable. You can work as hard and long as you want at something you love, but unless it’s something that people are willing to pay for, you’re not going to make any money at it. And even if they are willing to pay for it, you have to have a fair amount of business sense to make it profitable enough to turn it into a full-time job.

The other problem with trying to pursue your passions, is that most things we do have “boring bits”. The actual bit we enjoy may be surrounded by monotony.

• Think of film actors, repeating numerous “takes” or hanging around for their scene. Or being endlessly asked the same questions by a succession of journalists in a stuffy hotel room.
• Musicians, spending hours on the road and living out of suitcases for the thrill of a couple of hours on stage.
• Sportsman and women, spending many, many hours training and perfecting their skills.

The people above are those many of us envy, wish we could be in their shoes. We see the glamour, the adulation, the money – but seldom see the effort and associated boredom.

What is Fulfilment

A good definition of fulfilment is

a feeling of pleasure because you are getting what you want from life.”

Why don’t we spend more time pursuing our passions then. If you separate earning a living from the equation for the moment, most people still have many hours a week when we could pursue passions, or any other interests.

Sadly most people try to find fulfilment through instant pleasure. We overeat, drink alcohol, use every labour saving devise available to try and get that feel good factor.  We slump in front of television sets, passively being “entertained”. And above all else, we avoid possible discomfort.

Fulfilment involves effort. Commitment. And even a smidgen of will power.  As we get older its easy to let hobbies and interests slip by. We take the line of least resistance.  Whatever passion that once drove us to pursue a particular activity is lost.

Photo365

To reverse this trend we need to set ourselves projects (lets get away from talk of goals for the moment!). Find a way of rekindling that excitement.

Let me give you an example. If asked about hobbies and interests I always list photography, which I have enjoyed since my teens.  However, the extent to which I have actively pursued this hobby has varied. My camera started to get dusted off to take snaps of the children or capture our holidays.

Since the start of January I have taken part in a “photograph a day” project.  I’ve uploaded my efforts onto Flickr, where there is a Project365 group, where hundreds of others are doing the same thing.

Now it sounds pretty simple, and it is.  But making myself take that photo each day has been quite challenging.  I’ve carried my camera virtually everywhere when not at work (hospital – not allowed). And I’m constantly on the look out for photo opportunities – I’ve found my enthusiasm has been recharged.

Now this hasn’t transformed me into a great photographer – some of my results are still pretty naff. But it has got me taking photographs – non of the photos on this page would have been taken if I hadn’t taken on this project.

So look at ways of stepping out of your comfort zone, which needn’t be a big stretch.  Create projects that will get you challenging yourself, improving a skill, looking at things in a different way. Shake off that staleness, rekindle a bit of passion. Who knows, you may enjoy it!

September 23rd is an important day as it marks the 100 day countdown of 2009. I’m sure as I get older, the years past faster – or is it because our habits and routines become more ingrained?  This video is promotional, but I think a great way of looking at the way we live day to day:-

Is that you? I’d be first to admit I can see a bit of me there. Unfortunately habits are very comfortable. As I’ve said before, building self confidence requires stepping outside your comfort zone.

Are you going to finish 2009 with a Bang?

Gary Ryan Blair, who narrates the video, has created a challenge that centres on “finishing 2009″ strong. I should add that its also centred on selling a product, but like a lot of these launches gives a way some good free stuff along the way.

I’ve downloaded his free ebook “How to Create Your Own Big Bang!“, which like the video has some interesting perspectives and useful content.

Gary asks a number of questions for you to consider as you progress towards the end of 2009:-

1. What specific results have you achieved so far this year?

2. Are you healthier, wealthier, and wiser?

3. Are you winning, losing or just holding ground?

4. What results are you committed to achieve by the end of the year?

5. How have you grown and what have you learned this year?

6. Is there any unfinished business that needs to be tended to in your life?

7. Are you actively pursuing what’s most important on a daily basis?

8. What habits do you need to change to ensure better results?

9. What is the key issue that inhibits your ability to perform at your best?

Looking at some of my own posts on goal setting I must admit I can be rather reflective and ambivalent about goals.  Gary, who actually styles himself “the Goals Guy” certainly isn’t going to allow anyone to wimp out on him!

Achieving goals does help build self confidence. Goals don’t have to be big, and in many ways achieving lots of small goals can create a momentum. Not everyone thrives on big challenges, as Gary seems to imply.

Its also interesting to reflect on goals now, rather than the beginning of  January. I’m not sure if I’ll be enrolling on Gary’s full program, but I certainly intend to make the most of those 100 days.

Who are you Accountable to?

What I think makes any goal more “live” is being accountable to someone other than just yourself.  To use Gary’s more direct language, “what if I were to follow you with a camera crew 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the next 100 days while you went for your goals?” I think 3 things would happen….

1. You would START doing the things you say you need to do.
2. You would STOP doing the things you know you shouldn’t be doing.
3. You would MAKE monumental performance gains and change your life.

Accountability serves and protects your character, credibility and commitments. It ensures that what you want to accomplish gets accomplished.  The success of organisations like Weight Watchers is down to members sharing their goals and being accountable to the rest of the group.

I will finish with another quote from Gary:-

“Throughout every area of your life it’s important to understand that ALL unfinished goals, projects and relationships are the result of broken promises, unfulfilled commitments, and lack of accountability.”

Strong words.  But creating accountability is one way to keep yourself on track.

"Being confident is not always the same as being good at something"? That interesting statement appeared recently on another blog, My Life with Angels, which in turn was responding to a post by Maggie Stiefvater. On several occasions I have touched on the issue of whether being good at something is a key way to develop self confidence or healthy self esteem.  My favourite, How to Build Self Confidence Through Activity, looks at examples of children being taught karate, ballet and magic tricks.  I expressed doubt at the choices of ballet or karate,  as many fall by the wayside.  Unless you reach a certain level of competence neither activity will develop self confidence. Whilst success at an activity can help with self confidence, the argument from the other bloggers was you don’t have to first attain success or accomplishment to feel self confident. 

This can also be illustrated by many who have achieved fame and fortune as writers or in entertainment – they had confidence in themselves despite many rejections and little in the way of accomplishment to sustain them. This is well summed up by this quote from the "Angels" blog:-

"Self confidence is the fuel that moves us forward, makes us take one more step, to give it one more try, and has nothing to do with results or talent."

But where do we get that "fuel" if not from achievement? Maggie’s argument is that what made the difference to her was just deciding "to be confident". Setting herself goals and deciding she would achieve them. Then creating an environment around her – including people – that will reinforce that belief:-

"… especially if you surround yourself with the trappings of confidence. That room that is just for you and your writing, because you are going to make it your living. The people you surround yourself with: confident, make-it-happen people, because you will always rise to the meet the expectations of the people around you…"

This is drifting more towards having healthy self esteem, as to me this is the "fuel" (or "foundation" if you want a different analogy) of self confidence.  If you feel good about yourself, if you respect yourself, then you know you can achieve your goals.

Michael Jackson

If you have low self esteem you can achieve great things, but still dismiss them or never feel a genuine sense of accomplishment. I linked the addiction problems of some celebrities to low self esteem in the Myth of the Addictive Personality.   Sadly recent events have highlighted another example.

My most vivid Michael Jackson memory was his 1993 Oprah Winfrey interview. I remember watching the show and thinking two things: 1. This is the most talented person I’ve ever seen. 2. This person has the lowest self-esteem of anyone I’ve ever seen. Noah St John

I think this quote speaks volumes.  It is always sobering when someone the same age as me, someone I’ve "known of" virtually through out my life, dies suddenly. But its such a tragedy that someone so talented was unable to function in a way that enabled him to truely enjoy that talent

Self Esteem Exercise

One exercise to build self esteem is to list everything that is good about you, your life. And this can include things you have achieved, however minor. Things you can do that not everyone else can.

The trick is to start seeing these things as good – not something "that anyone could have done" or "everyone has got."  We are composed of many attributes and talents. There are many great things in the environment around us. And we interact daily with many wonderful people.

"I cried because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no feet."

Sadly, we grow up with many more negative messages that positive ones.  We get told what we have done wrong, rather than praised for what we have done right.  We learn to focus on what we cannot do rather than what we can, on how we have failed to reach perfection, rather than accomplished something wonderful. So whilst I agree with the original statement, "being confident is not the same as being good at something", I would turn it around as ask yourself "what am I good at?"  If this doesn’t produce a long list, and doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, its time to do some more work on your self esteem. We all have talents.  We need to appreciate what our talents are, to cherish and nurture those talents.  Its a tragedy when those with great talents fall by the wayside. Photo by Current News Stories on Flickr

I started writing this post about a week ago. My theme of fear isn’t that original, but constantly recurring in our thoughts. Since starting writing, two things have happened to me that have reinforced the stupidity of most of our fears.

Without going into the gory details, I had a biopsy last Tuesday for possible prostate cancer. I’ve had one before, and its precautionary rather than done with great expectation of having cancer. But the mere act of going through a very invasive procedure, and confronting the possibility of a life threatening disease does heighten your awareness of the fragility of life.

14 hours after undergoing the biopsy, my daughter informed us that our car was on fire. So at 4.15am, about 5 hours since last used, we waited for the fire brigade to arrive. This brief clip now on YouTube (where else!)  shows the demise of “Ethel”.

The loss of a car is insignificant compared with the loss of life and devastation to land and property in recent times, such as in Australia earlier this year. But the burnt out remains, with no discernible cause, were quite shocking to me. Also, had we parked the car in it’s “normal” place our house would have been well ablaze by the time the fire crew turned up.

How to Build Self Confidence

As I discussed in my last newsletter, I’m currently read Nathaniel Branden’s  6 Pillars of Self Esteem. Although rewarding, its not exactly a light read.  By comparison, last week I read the best selling Who Moved my Cheese.

I’m often fascinated by the juxtaposition of some of our experiences and what we see, hear or read. Our personal reflections on anything don’t occur in isolation.  For example, what we read links in with other things we are reading – your thoughts from one source can influence your interpretation of the other.

At the same time as my “Cheese experience”, I also read yet another annoyingly good article on Henrik Edburgs the positivity blog: How to Build Self Confidence: 6 Essential& Timeless Tips.

I do recommend you read the post, but here are the six tips:-

1. Take Action. Get it Done
2. Face your Fear.
3. Understand in what order things happen.
4. Prepare
5. Realize that failure or being wrong will not kill you.
6. Get to know who you are and what you want out of life.

The third point may seem a bit vague, but Henrik uses dialogue from a film to illustrate how fear comes first, then courage. And after doing something more than once, the scariness starts to wear off:-

It may seem scary now. But after having done whatever you fear a few to a dozen times or so you may think: “Is that it?”. You almost feel disappointed of how anticlimactic it has become. You may even get a bit angry with yourself and wonder why you avoided doing it for so long.

So in effect, half of the tips to Build Self Confidence look at facing fear, overcoming being scared, and not being afraid of failure.

Who Moved my Cheese?

What you are afraid of is never as bad as what you imagine. The fear you build up in your mind is worse than the situation that actually exists.

The above quote is not from Henrik but Spencer Johnson in Who Moved my Cheese. This very short and easily digested book gives a story about change. How some people, with their set beliefs and behaviors, cannot (or will not) embrace change. And they become “extinct”.

Our emotions can complicate things and living in the “constant white water with changes happening all the time at work or in life can be stressful – unless people have a way of looking at change that helps them understand it.”

The book is quite simplistic, and I’m not saying its the answer to all lifes problems. But my take on it is how we take comfort and reassurance with what is familiar, and change at any level can be unsettling. Big change (its all relative to your own lifestyle) can be really scary, unless you change your attitude(s) towards it.

Throwing the Cheese book and Build Self  Confidence post together, as I did by reading them on the same day, you get a double whammy of fear. Two illustrations of how fear can mess us up. But if you then reflect on real life – tragedy, disaster, disease – none of which we tend to spend much time fearing.

I’m not suggesting you should switch your fears away from change, new things and  what people think of you to worrying about the possibility of fire or serious health problems. Worrying never solves anything – learn to problem solve. But such events can help put other fears in perspective.

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It’s the season for award ceremonies – particularly in the world of entertainment.  We’ve just had the Grammies and Bafta, not to mention SAG, Golden Globes, Emmys… the list is endless.   Tonight things reach a climax with the 81st Academy Awards, the Oscars.

Other industries do have awards, although there isn’t such a song and dance made about them. Good companies also have staff recognition schemes, where individuals or groups/teams have awards for “going the extra mile”. This normally would imply some achievement or additional effort that takes them beyond their basic job description.  Or benefits the organisation in some way in the eyes of its customers.

Whether you are winning (sorry, receiving) an Oscar or some staff recognition award, its nice to have some positive feedback from your peers and superiors that they think you’ve done a good job.

Getting good feedback or recognition happens in other ways. My twin daughters both work at a local restaurant. Waitressing remains one of those jobs where it is still custom to give tips for “good service”, although this practice has been abused and diluted by restaurants adding a flat “service charge” to the bill.

Despite the fact that the restaurant they work at is a pub with pretensions of being a restaurant – awful name “gastropub” – they do pretty well for tips. Last week they were both working one night and one daughter returned upset and angry. She’d spent the evening just servicing one large party, who had left virtually nothing in tips.

However, her frustration turned to joy the following shift. Someone from the party had sent a thank you card, containing a small remuneration, to the manager thanking the restaurant for such a nice evening and singling out my daughter for particular praise and  “working hard to make the evening special”.

The manager pinned the card to the staff room wall, and there’s been no living with her since!

Now it’s fairly clear that both our self esteem and self confidence are given a huge boost when we receive praise, thank you’s and other recognition for a job well done. One important point though is to ensure you accept such feedback properly. Don’t say “it was nothing” or “anyone could have done that”.

No-one receives an Oscar and says “I don’t really deserve this, anyone could have done what I did .. I just showed up and did my job”  So, learn to accept feedback and enjoy the moment. Say thank you, but, again, don’t dilute or try to shrug off your achievements.

Whilst watching award ceremonies can be excruciating, its quite interesting to see how recipients are generous in their praise and thanks of others (we just wish they didn’t have so many to thank!).

The other point relating to building your own confidence and self esteem is to give yourself appropriate positive feedback and “achievement awards”. Unfortunately, saying thank you and handing out praise isn’t as widespread as in the entertainment industry.

Criticism can be more likely than recognition at times. And as I said above, recognition is usually for doing something out of the ordinary and beyond your usual job or role.  You can work hard and contribute greatly, but if thats what you normally do it goes unrecognised!

Get in the habit of being pleased when you have done a good job – be it at home, school, work, wherever. Don’t find fault, find strengths. If you have perfectionist tendencies start chipping away at your unrealistic aspirations. Treat yourself as you would a friend – give yourself praise for doing a good job, rather than waiting for things to be perfect.

Saying thank you to others is also something that can indirectly improve our self confidebce and self esteem. This is osmething we should get in the habit of doing naturally, and not allow it to become a forced or “corporate” led activity. Giving positive feedback should come naturally, being aware you are helping others through what you say is a nice side effect of saying “thank you“.

Photos by davierae and  psd on Flickr

I have reflected before on the strange phenomenon of new year resolutions. The majority of people never use goal setting for most of the year. But come 1st January they set themselves unrealistic goals, masquerading as resolutions. Sometime later in January they absentmindedly eat a cake or smoke a cigarette and find they’ve broken their resolution – and return to their pre January habits.

The statistic about resolutions are pretty bleak, quoted in The Happiness Project:-

According to one survey, the top three resolutions made by Americans in 2009 are:
1. Losing weight — 20%
2. Quitting smoking — 16%
3. Spending less — 12%
—About 80% of people who make resolutions stop keeping them by mid-February.
—Two-thirds of dieters gain back any lost weight within a year.
—Many people make and break the same resolution year after year.

Part of me feels I should be encouraging new year’s resolutions – after all I’ve created this blog and written thousands of words on making positive changes. A resolution is a statement of intent to make change. The explosion of “goal setting” around January should be welcomed as a sign that people want to make changes in their life, they’re perhaps just going about it the wrong way. So why does it go wrong – and why is a well intentioned, goal setting activity, seen as a bit of a joke?

Paul Farmer, Chief Executive of UK mental health charity MIND recently argued that resolutions which focus on physical imperfections – such as bids to lose weight – create a negative self image and lead to feelings of hopelessness, low self-esteem and even mild depression. And when those optimistic resolutions fail they can trigger feelings of failure and inadequacy:-

“New year’s resolutions can sometimes focus on our problems or insecurities, such as being overweight, feeling unhappy in our jobs or feeling guilty about not devoting enough time to friends and family. We chastise ourselves for our perceived shortcomings and set unrealistic goals to change our behaviour. It’s not surprising when we fail to keep resolutions, we end up feeling worse than when we started.” (Sunday Times 4.1.09)

The motivation behind the resolution may be a realization that being overweight, unfit, drinking too much alcohol, being frustrated at work, or whatever problem you have, is perpetuating unhappiness. But failing a new year resolution only makes things worse. And the problem remains.

Low self esteem can be the motivation behind many resolutions, such as to lose weight. Whilst wanting to lose weight can be a positive goal for most of us, if driven by low self esteem issues it can be difficult and hard to sustain. As I said in  Does it matter what you look like:-

The essence of healthy self esteem is learning to like yourself “warts and all”. Why should excess body fat be an impediment to liking yourself anymore than a speech impediment, or a lack of hair.

People indulge in a once the year goal setting bonanza, but go about it badly, usually in an all or nothing, very unrealistic way. In the UK January is one of our coldest months, and combined with the post Christmas comedown (and credit card bills), isn’t the most inspiring of months. Consequently its probably the worst time of year to start any self improvement. If you want to start losing weight, for example, it would be more logical to start in spring or summer when its easier to adjust to salads and less “comfort foods” – or when its light enough in evening to go outside for exercise.

So here are some things to reflect on:-

• Review your own experiences, not just this year. What resolutions have you set and why? Do you take it seriously? Do you set goals in other ways?
  
• Have you been addressing the correct problem? Did you problem solve first? Did you really need to lose weight or should you have been looking at issues to do with self esteem?
• Was the solution you attempted the correct one? if you were smoking 20 a day, was stopping completely on January 1st the best way to change?
• How successful have your attempts at change been in all aspects of your life? Does an all or nothing strategy work, or do you respond to small steps?
• How prepared were you? Was your house still full of Christmas chocolate when you started that diet?
• What support did you have? Support can be vital, but others may have their own reasons for you failing. Your drinking buddies may not be too enamored by you quiting alcohol (whatever they say to your face)
• Is this the right time to make changes? If you are not careful, there will never be a right time. If you want to give up smoking there will always be some stressful event on the horizon. Use common sense.

Change is difficult. Our lives are governed (and made easier) by deeply ingrained habits. But even if you don’t succeed first time around, change is possible. But don’t rely on strategies that haven’t worked in the past.

And remember, change doesn’t have to only start on January 1st!

Photos by nasrulekram and malias on Flickr

An affirmation is a positive self talk statement. They are usually goal based – such as tangible things (to earn $xxxx a year, to drive a Ferrari) – where you can clearly say yes or no whether they have been achieved. But affirmations can also cover personal qualities – such as “I am a great communicator”.

An affirmation should be stated in the present tense – “I am a positive person”, “I earn $200,000 a year”,” I have great self confidence”. The logic behind affirmations is that giving yourself positive messages, the mind starts believing it to be so. This is exactly the same principle as how negative thinking undermines us – being told repeatedly “you’re useless”, we believe it to be true.

I use affirmations. I  believe they are a useful tool in the battle for healthy self esteem. My starting point is that positive affirmations are healing, positive scripts you give to yourself to counter your negative inner voice. They can help you free yourself from the over dependence you have on other people’s opinions, attitudes, or feelings about you and help you feel good about yourself.

Every one of us has some kind of internal dialog, or self talk, going on most of the day. We have two voices, one positive and one negative. The positive one is the one that is supportive of all your ideas, beliefs in what you do and always expects the good in other people. The negative one is the whiner who always tries to put you and the rest of the world down, has no belief in what is possible and makes you feel doubtful and frustrated.

Law of Attraction

The problem with affirmations is they tend to be the basis of wishing for wealth, abundance and other desires we currently don’t have. You don’t have to look far to find Law of Attraction advocates getting you to transform your reality by visualizing these aspirations – reinforced by affirmations. The software I use, Vision Board, is typical:-

A final important point to know, is that if you don’t have enough money right now, it means you are blocking the flow of money into your life, with your thoughts. Your wallet speaks very clearly about the vibrations you are sending out into the universe about money at this present moment…

You can work on a more positive and abundant belief system by using affirmations. Use affirmations like

“I am so happy and excited that I am now attracting a flow of money into my life”    or

“I easily attract money like a magnet”.

I should add, that despite their promotion of the Law of Attraction, I think Vision Board a great product. Since I last reviewed it they have added features, such as the ability to add sound, music, AVI movies and create posters. But it remains simple to set up and I still use it just with pictures and text.

As I have argued before, the Law of Attraction, is total twaddle with its talk of our brain sending out “money attracting vibes”, or other messages into the ether.  This is an irrational belief, which defies science and logic.

Many will cite anecdotal examples of how this has worked for them – how their thinking (and manifesting) gained them a promotion, or suddenly brought money into their life.

Beliefs will change how you act and perform. If you start trying to “attract” a promotion, by seeing yourself in that role and repeating affirmations that confirm that, you change your internal beliefs and values. You may then start applying yourself more to your job. This change in you will affect how others react – if you stop indulging in idle gossip every time they pass your desk, it will become clear to those around you that you are applying yourself more fully to your work. In turn, that may lead to promotion.

That is different to the “law of attraction” view, that by thinking of success or promotion, you are somehow transmitting those thoughts and “attracting” success or promotion.

Problem Solving

Another argument against affirmations is they don’t engage your brain in problem solving, nor tap into our creativity and imagination. In other words they encourage a passive use of the brains massive power.

Also affirmations can encourage bad thinking habits, by encouraging to much focus on the self.  I went over these in three posts earlier this year. For example an affirmation could be

“I always communicate in a clear and assertive manner”

Even if you are a good communicator, you are unlikely to always be clear and assertive. So such an affirmation is likely to lead to frustration and negative self talk when you fail to live up to this.

Self Esteem

In a future post I will spend some time looking at ways to write and word affirmations. They are a powerful tool that can be a great help to build a better foundation for higher self esteem and let go of negative emotional baggage. But they are not a magic wand that can miraculously transform your life with no other effort. But i will close today with a quote from Yaro Starak, now a high flying Internet blogger and entrepreneur, who describes how affirmations helped him overcome his negative thinking.

“Some people scoff at positive affirmations and consider them useless but as anyone who has had panic attacks will tell you, at the root cause of them are the opposite – negative affirmations. As a result of spending most days thinking negatively and repeating self-talk that beat myself up my body reacted with panic attacks. In your case you may not have the same reaction as I did, but if your self-talk is negative it’s holding you back from achieving your dreams and can certainly be a cause of things like depression, feeling like you have no control over you life and an inability to feel happiness.”

Ferrari image via Wikipedia

Not just a great Who song, but a pretty good question to ask yourself. Are you a high flier? Or are you cruising just above the tree tops – or stuck on the runway? Or worse, still trying to find the airport!

Today is December 1st and in a months time we’ll have the annual goal setting bonanza called New Year Resolutions. I have discussed goal setting before in different ways, my favorite being the use of compass setting mentality rather than rigid, over elaborate goals. But also, I have stressed that January 1 isn’t the only day, and certainly not always the best day, to set new goals.

If nothing changes where will you be this time next year?

Much of what we do is habit, from brushing our teeth to the side of the bed we sleep. Changing habits isn’t easy. But if you reflect on how your life is now, how you got to where you are now, you should be able to get a picture of how your life will be any time hence (doesn’t have to be a year) if you continue without change.

Look at all aspects of your life, such as work/career, money, health, family, friendships/love, spiritual/personal growth, leisure/fun/recreation/sport, environment.

To be honest, the best way is to give yourself headings that feel right for you and start writing. Don’t just focus on work or income generation. The whole purpose is to look at your life as a whole and not jump to conclusions.

A teacher may be fed up with his job and the increased bureaucracy, plus the inability to pay off his credit card. 12 months time he can picture himself as fed up, and more in debt. His inbox is full of emails saying how easy it is to make megabucks through Internet marketing – so he decides to devote his spare time to starting a new business.

What this doesn’t take into account is other dimensions of his life. If he is married, how will this impinge on his relationship. Has he talked to his wife about how they are spending their income, why they are getting into debt? Has he discussed with his superiors at school his frustrations and unhappiness?

Problem Solving

The whole purpose of reflecting on your current situation, is to discover what isn’t working and what needs to change. But don’t jump to conclusions and decide on plans of action without analysis. If there are problems, follow my problem solving structure to find possible ways forward – not the first thing that comes into your head.

In our example it may be that his wife has taken on board his frustration as an unhappiness with her. She may be using retail therapy, creating their debts, as a way of compensating for her unhappiness and resulting low self esteem. The last thing she wants is for her husband to spend even more time shut away in the study and not spending time with her.

Talking to his superiors he may find it’s time to move to a different school or improve his education and skills as a teacher. Or he may find that his lack of confidence in his role is leading to him spending too much time in preparation or marking – rather than developing hobbies or doing things with his wife.

Time Audit

One useful way to take stock is to spend a week writing down how you use your time. There are different ways of doing this, but simplest is to have a piece of lined paper for each day. Break the day into at least 60 minute segments and then write down how you spent that time. You may chose to just focus on your none work time, or have more detail – say 20 minute segments.

What is most important is that you are honest. No one else needs see this but you. Be accurate with how much time you watch television – and if its something you chose to watch or just happened to follow on from something else you were watching. Likewise surfing the Internet and reading emails isn’t necessarily “work” – are you doing activities that are productive for your college essay or Internet business?

Questions

If you are taking this as time to have a real life audit, there are several questions you can ask yourself. Nothing is prescribed. I’m just putting out tools that you may find useful.

Over the past year, what have you really enjoyed and would like to repeat?

What has surprised you, shocked you or left you feeling upset or disappointed?

What has been unpleasant, what you you wish to avoid?

What would you like to achieve, or help others achieve?

If money were taken care of, what would you spend your time doing?

What roles and responsibilities do you have – are you happy with them?

What is missing in your life? What would make your life more fulfilling?

Do you have any secret passions?

I wrote Reflections on 2007 which approached the same problem, but slightly differently. I include the slightly amended questions from that post, which you can add or substitute. Make it fun, don’t get too bogged down. The whole exercise is designed to help you find out where you are, and what you want to change. Then you can look at goal setting.

What is good about my life?

What were the significant events of the year? What gave me joy or happiness?

What were the fun events of the past year?

What have been my successes?

What hasn’t gone so well?

What did I learn this year?What would I repeat?

What do I want to change?

What were my accomplishments?

What places did I visit?

What worked – why?

What didn’t work – why?

Who am I closest to?

Who are the important people in my life?

What significant reading did I do?

What was the biggest problem I solved in the past year?

What cultural events did I attend?

In what ways did I grow?

What in my life is improving?

What in my life is declining?

What world events had an impact on me?

What was the best day of the past year?

photo by Terren in Virginia on Flickr