One of the main messages from “The Kings Confidence” is that George VI became confident at public speaking through hard work.

In my post “Are affirmations useless?” I discussed one of the founders of personal development, Samuel Smiles. In the 19th century his “Self Help” was only out sold by the bible! The underlying message from Smiles was that success came through dedication and hard work.

if at first you don't succeed....

He didn’t appear to believe in the concept of “genius”, all those he portrayed in his case studies got there by hard graft and application.

In that post I made a reference to Malcom Gladwell, who has published 3 excellent books. His “Outliers” makes reference to and develops the “10,000″ hours theory; successful people – such as The Beatles – get there through many hours of toil rather than innate ability.

Bounce – How Champions are Made

This is carried to another level by Matthew Syed in his book “Bounce” His argument is that for any significantly complex human activity natural talent is not particularly important. Top achievement is the consequence of huge amounts of what he calls “purposeful” or “disciplined” practice.

The desire to work hard is what most high achievers have in common. This is usually sparked by an early enthusiasm (although this may be brought on by parental enthusiasm as well!) and opportunity.

In Syed’s case his parents happened to buy a full size table tennis (ping-pong) table, he had an older brother to practice with and there happened to be both a local club and an inspiring coach available. On these latter two points he lists numerous other players who emerged from his club to become international players:-

“for a period in the 1980′s, this one street, and the surrounding vicinity, produced more outstanding table tennis players than the rest of the nation combined.”

There are a number of compelling and inspiring case studies in the book, some of the most interesting away from the sporting arena. This includes a fireman of many years experience instinctively knowing something “was not quite right” when evacuating his men minutes before a building collapses.

But its in sports like tennis and cricket (which you don’t have to know about to enjoy the book!) that Syed is best at demonstrating that the skills of champions are not innate, but learned. This includes the ideas of perceptual compression and domain specific knowledge, where a top player apprehends and understands a situation so much more quickly.

Roger Federer US Open

Whilst a fireman interprets patterns to indicate danger in a building, Roger Federer anticipates where the ball is going to go from accurate inferences via the movement patterns of his opponent. This is not something he was born with, but learnt through hours of practice.

Syed uses his own expedience at the Sydney Olympics to illustrate how choking occurs. The hours of practice leads to a competitor using their “unconscious competence” to win their matches. But in the pressure of a big event they may try to move back to doing the task more consciously. However, this disrupts their flow, and they start analysing, rather than letting their body react “automatically”.

Self Confidence and the Power of Belief

As well as hard work, Bounce takes in other factors such as motivation..

“..clocking up thousands of hours of purposeful practice ultimately determines how far we make it along the path to excellence: but its only those who care about the destination, whose motivation is “internalised” who are ever going to get there.”

And the book also takes in the effect of coaches in harnessing effort. Of tennis coach Nick Bollettieri…

“he praises effort, never talent; he eulogizes about the transformational power of practice at every opportunity; he preaches the vital importance of hard work during every interruption in play.”

But I must mention discussions he has on the power of belief – as often performers go into events with irrational beliefs they will win (for example when there is clear evidence their opponents can run faster, etc.). This “performance placebo” has been tested to work…

“the ‘positive thinking‘ group completed their task significantly more quickly than the ‘negative thinking‘ group, even though there was no difference in ability between the two groups…. irrational beliefs can boost performance, provided they are held with sufficient conviction.”

So positive thinking, believing we can, does help us if we hold that belief with conviction. Which I think we all would see as making sense and an essential component of self confidence.

But as my last post was “self confidence in 15 minutes” its important to reflect that becoming good at something does take effort. And if you want self confidence, being good, having ability, certainly help!

Photos by laverrue and toga on Flickr

How would you feel about taking on a job that you were totally ill equipped to perform, where your self confidence was absolutely rock bottom?

A job that entailed making public appearances , being the centre of attention,  when you were shy and reserved.  A job that involved making speeches in front of thousands, and live broadcasts to millions, when you were inflicted by a terrible stutter.

The Kings Weaknesses

I‘m sure many of you have seen the Academy Award winning film, “The King’s Speech“. This depicts the story of how the future King George VI (who wasn’t “scheduled” to be King until his brother abdicated) received help so he could fulfil his royal duties. Even before he became King his role representing the Crown necessitated public appearances and speeches.

The future King 1919

He was plagued from childhood by a series of medical ailments.   His early career in the Navy was somewhat hampered by seasickness (again it was a job that he didn’t have much choice about) and constant stomach problems (later diagnosed as an ulcer). In his 8 years of naval service he spent most of the time in hospital or recuperating.

As well as seeing the film I recently read the book of the same name, based on the diaries of Lionel Logue. He  effectively became the Royal Speech Therapist. What the book makes clearer than the film is the depth of how physically frail and nervous a person the future George VI was.

Colin Firth, who portrayed him in the film, won an Oscar for his stammering and overall performance as this tortured sole. But couldn’t disguise the fact he is 6″ taller and physically very well built.

Confidence in Public Speaking

Many people fear public speaking, and take whatever steps they can to avoid having to face this fear. One of my first posts on this blog was about a young man giving a speech at his fathers wedding!

The reason I wanted to highlight the Kings  Speech was it gives a wonderful example of a person gaining in confidence so he could perform well as a public speaker.  This, despite the fact he had major impediments in his way. To do this he:-

1) Worked VERY HARD, to a degree that would put an Olympic athlete to shame. The future King and Logue initially worked together for 7 months, meeting daily when the royal duties permitted. Even when away on tour, George religiously carried out the exercises set by Logue.

2) The second factor in building his confidence, particularly when George became King and had to broadcast live to millions of people, was the meticulous preparation they went through. Logues role was as much to check the speech and mark spaces to pause for breath – and to change any difficult works that may trip the King.

3)  He had support – not just from Logue but from his wife.  Having strong people around you  for encouragement and to share the pain and triumphs, to motivate when you feel in despair, is incredibly important. And their confidence is infectious.

King George VI

4) What choice did he have? He started from a position of total humiliation (his first major speech in London in 1925) and from having effectively proven unfit for purpose in the Navy.  He had no idea when he started working with Logue that he would one day be King, but needed to be sufficiently confident to perform his then job as the Duke of York.  Had he not been up to the task when he succeeded his brother, in all likelihood the monarchy would have collapsed.

 What if…

I‘m not trying to ignore the fact this was a man born into a position of great wealth and privilege, who of course could afford to pay for the intensive services of Logue. But it was only because of this accident of birth that he was compelled to try and overcome these barriers to his public speaking.

I think this story illustrates you can gain confidence – and become confident enough to perform well – even though you remain fearful and are attempting something that ultimately you are not best suited. Whilst George gained in confidence, he never lost his hatred of the dreaded microphone. As is apparent in the video clip, his stutter never totally went away.

But its also fascinating to  speculate what would have happened if Logue hadn’t emigrated to England (from Australia) or if Georges wife hadn’t persuaded him to “have a last try” after many previous failures at overcoming his speech impediment. And particularly if Logue hadn’t been so accomplished at what was then an unrecognised profession.

Imagine Great Britain with a President instead of a Queen and Royal Family!!!

photos (in public domain) via wikipedia

The title of this post is similar to a recent one at Herald-Net, which appears to be an on-line newspaper in Washington, USA.  I’ve added the question mark! Their post has a sports focus, so its unsurprising that the argument is very much in favour of self confidence being the key factor.

Who Cares about Self Esteem then?

The author James McCusker  states that coaches preparing teams for games know that the enemy isn’t the opposition, but a lack of self confidence. And, as  in other aspects of life, self confidence is frequently the key to success. He throws in a great quote:-

Automotive pioneer Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.” That is what self-confidence is all about, the belief that you can do what needs to be done, that you can succeed.

Self Confidence not same as Self Esteem

Unfortunately people interchange “self confidence” and “self esteem” as if they are the same thing.  Mr McCusker gives a neat definition of the difference:-

“Self-confidence is built on achievement; self-esteem is built on opinion.”

If you have a good opinion about yourself, if you believe in your worth as a person, you generally have high self esteem.  If you depend on the opinions of others to feel good, then your self esteem has a very shaky foundation.

Self confidence is based on our judgement of our ability to do things.  Can we do what we need to do? A belief in oneself to achieve, rather than a love of yourself as a person.

In one of my first posts, looking at this difference, I said that self esteem is somewhat passive, not something others can observe about you. Whilst:-

“Self confidence is more active, and describes our abilities and willingness to interact with the world around us.”

So Self Confidence is More Useful?

In a sporting context its fairly obvious that you want your players to be confident, to think they are good enough to win. And watching them play, spectators would have no idea if any are suffering low self esteem.

McCuskers argument is this should carry forward into all areas – its more useful for an employer to have a self confident workforce than know they have good self esteem.  This goes contrary to the efforts in some education systems (such as the USA) to raise self esteem in students.

Self Esteem is Still Important

Believe in Yourself

I would agree with McCusker that more can be done to improve self confidence, particularly within education systems.  And as a manager, I know someone exuding self confidence at an interview is more likely to be appointed – and then do well.

But… just because you cannot see self esteem doesn’t mean its not important. Without good self esteem it can be hard to sustain the performances you are good at or, as you strive more and more for unreachable perfection, the cracks start to appear.

Also, building self confidence to perform particular tasks as a team – as they do in the military and sport – doesn’t always leave someone able to function well outside that context.  Sadly many find that once they leave that task focussed team environment life becomes difficult.

And whilst self confident staff may be good for any organisation, this argument forgets about the effect on individuals.  Going through life with low self esteem isn’t fun. However confident you may appear, if you are suffering low self esteem then you don’t enjoy the benefits of your endeavours.

Self esteem and self confidence can be built together in a nurturing environment.  But using military style techniques to build self confidence, as McCusker concludes with, may be short sited. But what do you think?

Photos by KaCey97007 and SweetOnVeg on Flickr

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self confidence in leadership

Marshall Goldsmith is an author, professor, consultant and executive coach.   He has an entry in Wikepedia and searching his name on Google gets 272,000 results – enough to give anyone self confidence! Whilst his field of excellence covers business and management, he appears to have guru status in Leadership.  Unsurprisingly, when he coaches CEO’s (and potential CEO’s) he rarely encounters problems with self confidence.

But Marshall didn’t get where he is today without being able to give sound advice on this topic. After all, if you spend your working life surrounded by confident people you should pick up a few tips.  And you won’t have to buy one of his many books, as Marshall sums it all up in two sentences on his rather unassuming blog:-

You won’t get to the top without self-confidence; to build it, you have to believe in yourself. Don’t worry about being perfect — put up a brave front and do the best you can.

Whilst its written with a business slant, its worth reading his blog post. But in summary he expands the above into 5 points.

Don’t Worry about Being Perfect

Perfectionism is something that has come up several times in past posts, linking to setting yourself impossibly high standards and never feeling what you have done is good enough.

In most situations we find ourselves we have to make judgements based on less than perfect knowledge.  Spending more time trying to get more and more information can be counter productive.  At some point you need to make a decision – or decide what you have done is “good enough” – and go for it.

And then Commit

Once you have made a decision don’t start reviewing and back peddling. Accept that you made the best decision you could at the time, based on available information, and stand by that and let others know that. As Marshall says:-

Great leaders communicate with a sense of belief in what they are doing and with positive expectations toward the achievement of their vision.

Show courage on the outside

Everyone is afraid sometimes; as a leader you just try not to show it. No one can see how you feel on the inside, unless you transmit it. I’ve written about looking confident and portraying self confidence through your body language and speech.

Find happiness and contentment in your work

He doesn’t really add anything, just a somewhat broad and meaningless statement.

Learn to live with failure

For me, this is one of the most important and most over looked aspects of gaining self confidence. Throughout life we learn from failure, from mistakes. When very young these failures are often physically painful – e.g. falling off from a height hurts!

Unfortunately these lessons can also be emotionally painful and we end up with very negative feelings about failure. Ultimately failure is bad, something to avoid at all costs. We do our utmost to avoid failure – or avoid admitting it. We make excuses,  try to pass it on to others. Or just pretend it didn’t happen.

What this all means is we don’t learn to learn from failure, let alone to live with it.  The most successful people are those who have been prepared to make mistakes,  move on and try again. Great salespeople are the ones who get rejected the most often.

So a great step forward in building your self confidence, and leadership potential, is to learn to handle failure.  Never label yourself a failure just because you fail sometimes. If you’re surrounded by people who call you a failure, learn to re-frame and not absorb their judgements.

Learn from your mistakes and move on. In an earlier post, fear of failure, I include a video that lists some famous celebrities who “failed” early in their careers, but rose to huge success. And what’s worse than failing is not trying at all.

photo by familymwr on flickr

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In the UK we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, but to me it seems a great idea – a day set aside to say thank you.  That seems more meaningful than having an extra day holiday to celebrate a Royal Wedding, one participant of whom may by accident of birth be set to “rule” us!

universal Thank You note

Some people keep a gratitude journal or diary, which at first seems a bit woo~woo or bound with religious practices. However, research has shown that such an activity does help. A study carried out at the University of California, Davis found that:-

In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

Research has also found “gratitude” benefits in goal attainment, grade scores of students, lower blood pressure and improve immune function. In fact Professor Emmons, co-author of that research and other experiments on gratitude says

“The evidence that cultivating gratefulness is good for people is overwhelming…gratitude enhances nearly all spheres of human experience”

Putting aside gratitude journals – which I assume are never shared – what about sharing gratitude with others?  When I was a child we were virtually forced to write thank you letters to relatives for our various Christmas and birthday gifts.  Making the effort to say thank you via letters or cards isn’t something many still practice.

I’m not sure how much its transferred to new mediums, such as email or Facebook. Communication may be easier, but to say thank you may not be so easy? Emmons suggests that we may be reluctant to give thanks or appreciation as it makes us feel obligated to others, or makes us feel less self sufficient. That sounds a bit weak.

I do agree with his other suggestion that, unfortunately, we tend not to notice positive things in our life – sliding out of our mind as if Teflon. Whereas anything negative clings to our memory like Velcro.

Learn to Say Thank You

What’s important to distinguish is there are the two strands to gratitude, inward and outward.  It appears that we are now starting to see the benefits of inward gratitude – or grateful thinking -  particularly as a way to be happier.

Last week the BBC listed “Writing down good things that happen to you and a letter expressing your gratitude” as part of a feature on their Breakfast Show.  On the site they have a Happiness Challenge Workbook that’s worth downloading.

But whilst I can’t quote any evidence, part of me feels we should also be refocussing on the outward strand. Getting into the habit of sharing thanks, genuine gratitude, with others.  Whether saying “thank you”, sending a card, letter or email – or even a small gift – this does seem a simple habit to get into.

I have mentioned the Emmons & McCullough study in a previous post, Can Gratitude Make a Difference? Yes it can! I need to start using more confident language in my post title.  And we all need to think about how we can incorporate gratitude in our lives. Leave your comments below, and I will say thank you.

photo by woodleywonderworks on Flickr

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Stop Worry

Are you a worrier? Worry generates stress, dampens self confidence and makes you feel bad. Can you stop worry? What it doesn’t do is solve problems – in fact worry doesn’t do anything useful as far as I can see.

worry can hinder exam success

Worry comes under the umbrella of anxiety.  And we expect it to be at its worst in pressure filled situations, where we are most desperate to perform our best.  So for a presentation, exam or a race we can caught in a see-saw between confidence and worry as the consequences of performing badly are difficult to dismiss.

I have two daughters currently going through important University exams whose normal self confidence seems to be hiding away somewhere.  They were both revising throughout the Christmas holidays, yet are now gripped by fears of doing badly.  Telling them they may do worse by worrying won’t help either!

Write About Your Worries

The good news for them, and everyone, is that very recent research has found a method of overcoming this problem.  At the University of Chicago Gerardo Ramirez and Sian L. Beilock have conducted experiments on students and tested whether having students write down their thoughts about an upcoming test could improve their scores.

Having allowed the students to do one test normally with no pressure, they then gave a second test but created stressors (using video, financial reward and linking their performance to others in a team). But before completing this second test half the students completed a brief (10 minute) expressive writing assignment – whilst the control group just sat quietly.

The performance of the control group dropped off quite badly once “stress” had been introduced – showing a 12% accuracy drop – whilst those allowed to write showed a 5% increase in performance.

An explanation for this finding was given by the research papers authors:-

“The writing exercise allowed students to unload their anxieties before taking the test and accordingly freed up brainpower needed to complete the test successfully – brainpower that is normally occupied by worries about the test”

Brain Dump

In the same way your computer crashes when it runs out of RAM, it seems that pressure filled situations can drain the brains equivalent processor, or working memory. Lead researcher Beilock has shown through previous research that as worries creep in the working memory becomes overburdened and isn’t able to function as well on the task at hand.

In a different experiment they first tested to identify those who were more prone to worry and exam anxiety nerves.  Getting the experimental group to write about their anxieties about the forthcoming exam (in this case biology) again had a positive impact on results.  But they found the most benefit was for those most prone to anxiety  and it “levelled the playing field such that those students who usually get most anxious during exams were able to overcome their fears and perform up to their potential”

Sian Beilock is, apparently, a well known expert on “choking under pressure”. She believes this type of writing will:-

“… help people perform their best in variety of pressure-filled situations — whether it is a big presentation to a client, a speech to an audience or even a job interview,”

Whilst the writing has to be about the forthcoming pressure situation, many worries are based around up and coming events.  Other research has shown that emotional writing over a period of time can help those suffering from depression.  So it could be a useful thing to try as a more general technique to stop worry.  What do you think?

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Peak Moments

Take 60 seconds and write down the peak moments in your life. Chris Guillebeau, on whose excellent blog that suggestion came defines a peak moment:-

… as a fixed point in time that has strong, positive memories. You summited the mountain! You achieved something monumental! Things will be different now.

Apart from the obvious landmarks, like getting married or having children, most peak moments are time when we stepped well out of our comfort zone. I wrote about one of my peak moments (although I didn’t label it as such at the time) when swimming beneath the Azure Window in Gozo a couple of years ago.

If you do the exercise, how many peak moments were accompanied at some point by strong feelings of anxiety or even fear? I can report from memory, 25 years on, that getting married generates much anxiety for the main participants!

Lets Scare Ourselves

Happy Halloween

As I write this we approach Halloween and there is the usual glut of horror films on TV. Personally I’ve never enjoyed the genre; likewise I’ve never enjoyed the adrenaline rush people get from riding roller coasters.

But just as our peak moments lead to extra adrenaline pumping around our body, as we prepare to fight or flight from danger, we do seek it as well by deliberately submitting ourselves to fear and terror.

“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. … I think what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive.”  ~ Joseph Campbell

Fear can be fun. Being scared can give us an amazing high. Its a way of jolting ourselves out of our ordinary world and living on the edge. Whilst the likes of Chris Guillebeau have organised their lives to seek adventure, most of us don’t.  To feel more alive we need to use more mundane methods to generate these more intense feelings.

Lets Scare the Children

As a side note, its interesting that we generally encourage children to embrace these scary moments – not that they need much encouragement!  Rides at fairgrounds cater for all ages, many children’s stories have plot lines that seem to have been borrowed from horror films.

Or should that be the other way round? Charlie Higson in the Times 29.10.10 (sorry, no link available) writes

So many fairy tales are based around this idea of monstrous adults trying to devour plucky children. Little Red Riding Hood, Jack and the Beanstalk, Hansel and Gretel…(And if that’s not a classic horror film set up what is? The mysterious house in the woods, the seemingly kindly person who turns out to be deranged.  This is Psycho, Texas Chainsaw Massacre….)

Charlie also gives an interesting argument that Snow White is a pretty effective horror film for children! But I digress…

Fear of Heights

So fear isn’t just something that, as in the case of Tony Blair, can dominate our lives in a very negative way. We also seek it and use the same body physiology to have peak experiences. Can we somehow combine these two extremes?

Oh what fun!

I enjoyed reading Tyler Tervooren have a go at curing his fear of heights in The Fastest Way to Cure a Fear. His solution was jumping out of an aircraft at 11,000 feet. I’ve no particular fear of heights myself, but that is an experience I’m not looking to copy!

What was most telling was his conclusion:-

And I didn’t “conquer” my fear – I’m still afraid of heights – but I did confront it. I proved to myself that my fear is irrational and even though I still feel it, I can work around it. Getting on a ladder won’t be nearly as scary anymore.

Is our fear of heights  irrational? Even falling from a ladder can result in serious injury. I know if I chose to step out of an aircraft the way Tyler did I would go through the same anxieties as him, although perhaps not as extreme.

For some people just being in an aircraft can induce fear. When we travelled home from holiday in Egypt last June the lady across the isle from me was being comforted by her family as we came into land.  She was visibly shaking and gripped, I assumed, by a fear we were about to crash.

You can argue that a fear of flying is irrational as basically flying is statistically proven to be a safe way to travel.  However, if your thinking dwells on flying itself being irrational – a large, heavy, tin box unsuspended thousands of feet up – then statistics won’t help.

Being in Control

When we sit to watch a horror film, when we strap ourselves into a roller coastline, or, like Tyler step out of an aircraft at 11,000 feet we are choosing to do so.  All those gut wrenching moments in the video are done by choice – undoubtedly after much practice in less scary situations. Whilst we don’t know for sure what will happen or how we will feel, there is an element of control in what is happening.

What is different about Tony Blairs fears are they largely revolve around the reaction to him of other people. However well prepared, he cannot control what happens next.  And his fear isn’t irrational – he has chosen a profession where even those supposedly on his side will put the boot in at any opportunity!

It would be interesting to hear your thoughts on whether trying to rationalise a fear is workable, and to what extent you submit yourself to fear. Do you watch horror films or ride roller-coasters? Most importantly, how do experience being alive?

Photos by Artiom Pontratenko and celineon on flickr

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Life is a constant journey through variables we cannot control, however well prepared.

Tony Blair

Learning to tolerate uncertainty is the key factor in building great self confidence. Unfortunately fear of “what might happen next” – the feeling of uncertainty – can be very unpleasant.

Tony Blair, Driven by Fear

“On 2 May 1997, I walked into Downing Street as prime minister for the first time. I had never held office… my predominant feeling was fear.”

Tony Blair, Prime Minister in the U.K. for 10 years until 2007, published his memoirs (“A Journey”) earlier this year.  I haven’t read them, probably never will, but found it impossible to avoid the  discussion they provoked. What has startled many has been his candid admission that the principal driver behind many of his decisions was fear. In a excellent review psychologist Geoffrey Beattie  sums up:-

“Blair became a master at masking his true emotional state, hiding his terror with that masking smile.”

Yes, that “masking smile” – but hiding terror! What is most amazing is that Blair was always perceived as very relaxed and a great communicator. Yet, as he states, he “never relaxed for a moment.”  Even when he “kept a strong grip on himself” during the day

“I would wake in the morning with the hair on the back of my head damp with sweat. What I could control when awake was overpowering in sleep.”

Why does our body do this?

The feelings and body responses Tony Blair attaches to his fears are things we can all empathise with as have all evolved the same way. The anxiety (or fear) symptoms we all experience are part of the bodies defence system. Its what is know as “fight or flight”, getting ready to deal with threats.

Going back a few thousand years, when humans first roamed the earth, life was a bit more simple. But also more dangerous – man was as likely to be a prey as a hunter. If danger was spotted – and the brain received that message – then there were two simple options:-

flight - run from danger

1) Fight that danger

2) Run away!!! (or Flight)

If you think about it, if you do either of these actions your body is working in the same way. It will be moving fast at in heightened state of arousal. It will need to make full use of its arms and legs, whilst not want to waste energy or non important factors (such as processing the last meal in the stomach).

Lets just reiterate what happened to the body to trigger this fight or flight response.

Danger > Message to Brain > Prepares to Fight or Fight Danger

Now, in modern life we can relate to this if we think about how we would react if confronted with a real physical danger. If walking down the street and we did see a charging bull heading towards us, we wouldn’t just stand and stare! Without making a conscious decision we would run to safety. Once safe we would be aware of our pounding heart, fast breathing, sweat pouring off us, heightened sense of arousal….

Why do we start sweating, or feeling sick?

This list gives a brief explanation of why the fight or flight response leads to particular physical reactions.

Heart & Breathing

So in anticipation of increased exertion, the heart beats faster to pump blood – carrying oxygen – around the body. With this increase in blood pressure your breathing also increases in readiness for more muscular effort.

Muscles

Muscles may feel “tingly” and arms and legs may shake as they prepare to fight or run. Sometime people describe “jelly legs”. Picture athletes preparing to run the 100 metres at the Olympics – their muscles are equally ready.

Sweat

Sweat can serve two functions. It can help cool the body and help the hands and feet grip better (bearing in mind this defence system developed before modern materials made sweaty hands a liability!). I’ve also read that sweat can be an aroma to repel attackers.

Stomach

As I touched on before, the body is usually digesting the last meal you consumed. But in times of arousal, the fight or flight response diverts blood away from the stomach to the peripheral muscles such as the arms and legs. Consequently you can suffer “butterflies” in the stomach or feel the urge to vomit.

Bowel/Bladder

The urge to urinate or defecate can increase as the body needs to make itself lighter, better able to fight or run. Another, less appetising reason (from the pre toilet age) is that this make the body less attractive as a prey, and will deter attackers.

Eyes

The pupils dilate to let in more light and can become “mid range” focussed – you need to be able to take in as much information about your potential attackers. This can be experienced as a blurring of vision if, for example, you happened to be engaged on something near by.

Disassociation

You may have read about accounts from battles, where protagonists didn’t realise they had been badly hurt, or even shot, until after the event. This is again a way of the body protecting itself, but for panic attack sufferers it can be a most alarming symptom. Everything feels unreal, you feel detached from reality.

The problem is that most of the time this fight or flight response doesn’t help us with modern day fears.  Our brain doesn’t distinguish between a message saying its a real physical attack, or just an insult from another politician! So when Tony Blair literally described his weekly session of questions from fellow Members of Parliament as “bowel-moving” he wasn’t exaggerating!

photos en.wikipedia.org and woodleywonderworks – latter on Flickr

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I have recently joined a new service called “Shy Networking“.  As a lifelong introvert, although I would no longer describe myself as shy, networking has never come easy. Likewise for one of the team behind Shy Networking, professional blogger Chris Garrett.

My main reason for joining was to learn how to network online, which basically I’m very poor at. Whilst I have learnt (the hard way) to network reasonably effectively face to face, I’ve not been able to carry that forward on the internet.

This is somewhat ironic, as theoretically it should be easier for a shy or introverted person to network where there is no face to face contact.  However, I’ve started to realise that some of the principles behind networking go deeper than just being able to cope with meeting strangers. Just because I can “do” face to face networking doesn’t mean I’ve been good at it?!

Brian Tracy

I recently saw a Brian Tracy video on the 10 essentials  for success. One of these was contacts – the number of people who know you in a positive way. He stressed never take rejection as a sign of lack of interest or take it personally – people are busy.

“Some will, some won’t, so what…  next.“

The more people you know, the more likelihood of the right person being there at right time. His key method to build contacts was to always look for ways to help. However, that’s easier said than done.

Time will tell if I can improve and build my network via Shy Networking and it proves worth the money.  But it has got me reflecting about networking,

here are my suggestions on what can help:-

Be prepared

Some early advice from Shy Networking is not to launch into a prepared “elevator pitch” or speech. However, you can expect somewhere along the line to be asked certain questions.  Like going for an interview, being prepared to answer those expected questions can give you confidence.

This isn’t the same as launching into a slick “pitch”.   It just giving some thought to what are the main things you want to put across that give someone else the chance to be interested in you.  Whatever job you do, or interests you have, they can be made to sound interesting or dull.

And part of the problem may be your reluctance to talk about yourself and what you do, to blow your own trumpet as it were. Whilst the most common advice is to be genuinely interested in others, you’ll never get anywhere networking unless you are comfortable talking about yourself and being at least a little bit interesting!

Learn to tolerate uncertainty.

This is a key to  self confidence in any situation. We cannot control our environment, especially in any situation where we are meeting new people. Recognise that feeling of anxiety as quite normal, view the event as an exciting challenge rather than major threat.

Look Good

Like tolerating uncertainty, getting into the habit of looking confident takes a bit of practice.  It goes beyond what you are wearing (important as that is) and into how you stand and walk. At least 70% (some give a much higher percentage) of our message is delivered by our body language.

Learn to Relax

One of my problems was finding my voice got lost and I needed to shout to make myself heard. This wasn’t so much a problem with having a poor speaking voice, but a reaction to tension. Relaxation is the opposite body state to tension.

The more you practice simple relaxation techniques, the easier it becomes to make it your “default setting”. Quite often people don’t realise how tense they are. Tension can easily become a habit you slip into without your knowing it.

Nurture the Connection

Networking isn’t just about making connections, enduring the event, and then escaping.  To make it worth doing you need to be prepared to take things to the next level.

If you are at an event where you are unlikely to meet people again face to face in the near future, ensure you have some means of following up. That partly means securing an address (particularly email or Twitter) or number – usually via business card. But also leaving with some memory of the worthwhile connections you made and having some idea how to sustain the conversation.

This could be as simple as sending them a link to a favourite site linked to a mutual interest, or something else likely to be of interest to them. Don’t send them anything promoting yourself unless they specifically asked for it.

Have you any tips on how to network?

photographs by pasukaru76 and Matt from London on Flickr