I have a basic principle of not promoting anything I haven’t purchased and used myself. Here are a couple of ebooks I been trying to put into practice:-

Secrets to Self Confidence

I recently purchased this ebook as the sales page promised much:-

Each day, you will have a short but profound paragraph to read and consider, a simple exercise to complete and a memory verse to memorize. That’s it, follow this plan and with just minutes of effort a day, you will develop a strong magnetic, self-confident personality in no time at all.

However  Secrets to Self Confidence suffers a quite few drawbacks. its quite evident that the book was written some time ago - there is no clue as to whom the author James Stephenson is, but there is a preface dated 1910!  This is the start of Chapter 3 (The Cure of Self-Consciousness) :-

The student should aim here to develop definiteness of idea, sincerity of expression, and concentration of mind. Nothing leads so quickly to hesitation and embarrassment in a speaker as mental uncertainty. To speak confidently, he must not guess, or imagine, or take for granted, he must know. Lack of proper mental equipment is responsible for a large part of the fearfulness of men. One who really knows whereof he speaks, and is absolutely sure of it, is likely to be sure of himself. It manifests itself in his voice, his use of words, his manner, and his entire personality.

On the same page he goes on to quote Newman’s “definition of a gentleman”! I don’t know who Newman was, but like many other quotes used, it dates the text horribly. The daily exercises are no better:-

For the First Day

Poise- Today I will avoid all nervous and unnecessary movements of the body and all thoughts that cause waste of nervous force. I will cultivate calmness, repose, peacefulness and deliberateness.

Exercise - Sit still, thoroughly relax the body, empty the mind of distracting thoughts and concentrate on the following

1 Poise which gives power

2 Poise which gives mental purpose…

Memorize the following: The star of the unconquered will, he rises in my breast, serene, and resolute, and still, and calm, and self-possessed.  Longfellow

I confess I didn’t read the whole 149 pages (plus a supplement with more quotes!) - lifes too short. I just felt very disappointed, and somewhat conned (although there is a money back guarantee I will utilize). Just because a book is 100 years old, doesn’t mean it has no relevance. However…

From what I can make out, most of the ideas here are generally still sound. But this book is so dense and  ponderous to render it useless as a modern self help guide. Not recommended

The Ultimate Guide To Health and Happiness

By comparison this hasn’t got such a snappy title. I’m also quite skeptical of anything suggesting a route to happiness. Here are two of my favorite quotes (taken from one of my favorite books Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihaly) :-

“Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.” J.S.Mill

“Don’t aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue…as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a course greater than oneself.” Viktor Frankl

However, unlike James Stephenson, the author Jennifer Summers writes very well and is very readable. Whilst still a bit long at 155 pages, it is easy to navigate and use selectively if you wish. The introduction promises:-

“The Ultimate Guide to Health and Happiness offers an invaluable collection of advice, hints, tips and easy to follow exercises that will benefit anyone experiencing personal crises, relationship difficulties, suffering from a low self esteem or simply wishing to maintain good health and a positive attitude.”

Its very much a manual, making good use of the ebook format so you can print off work sheets and exercises as you go. Unfortunately many self help type books are still organized and printed in a format similar to novels. Consequently, they are read “like a novel” from start to finish with no stopping to put into practice what is being suggested.

This happyness toolkit offers a combination of over 60 principles and exercises that will allow you more insight into what you are feeling, why that is and what you can do to change it. Like my blog, it looks at positive thinking, expressing feelings and exercises to build self esteem such as praising yourself.  Whilst you don’t have to do any of the exercises if you don’t want to, you are very much left feeling that to make the changes desired, you need to act!

The Eastern approach that underlines some of her ideas may not appeal to everyone. Having a Chapter entitled “Lower Your Expectations” may clash with the aspirational, acquisition driven lifestyle that capitalism embraces. Quotes of Taoist wisdom may be a welcome relief compared with the gobbledygook of Stephenson, and from my perspective adds value rather than detracts.

I do find the middle section, where Jennifer gives an overview of  yoga, tai chi and meditation, not totally in keeping with my own approach. I think pursuing activity more broadly is important. Getting good at anything can improve self awareness and self confidence. But she responds with good quotes of her own:-

“My mind watches over my body,
Whilst my body protects my mind,
And my spirit ungulfs us all”

I have written before on happiness and have owned this ebook for over a year. I implied in the quotes at the start, if this ebook was purely about happiness I wouldn’t be so keen. But its more of a guide to improving the quality of your life (and hence your happiness) by breaking down and improving some of the component parts.

The Ultimate Guide to Health and Happiness states “The author Jennifer Summers has been actively involved in the study of health for over 20 years. She has lectured in over 18 countries on Discovering and Maintaining Happiness.” I didn’t have any joy looking her up on Google, so she also remains a mystery. But in this case her credentials are held up by what she has written. Recommended if you want to make changes to how you live your life.

Bottom photo by Michael(mx5tx) on Flickr

Follow me on Twitter http://twitter.com/David365

This post is about my weekend. An enjoyable, but not particularly remarkable weekend. What’s this got to do with self confidence or self esteem?  The main philosophy of this blog is that to improve self confidence, self esteem or anything you need to learn skills that help, rather than adopting any “system”. Being able to reflect and learn from experiences is an important part of that process.

Salisbury Cathedral

Have a Plan

On both Saturday and Sunday I woke up and knew what I was going to be doing and when. There wasn’t a tight, pressured, timetable but I had a plan for each day. Like many, at work I use a diary to schedule appointments, meetings, etc. But weekends and evenings, or whenever our leisure time is, we tend to shy away from planning as its too much like work.

As I mentioned recently, only 17% of our waking hours are spent at work during our lifetime. Planning how we spend our time ensures we do what is important to us.

Friends

Following an impromptu phone call last week my wife and I met up with friends Saturday lunch time. I was at college with Mike nearly 30 years ago and we have kept in touch - he is godfather to my eldest daughter - but meet ups and telephone conversations have been rare recently.  It didn’t take much effort to meet - Salisbury, “half way” was only an hour away - but sometimes you just get out of the habit.

Friendship is valuable but easy to neglect.

Its Nice to Talk

Apart from meeting friends, the significance of driving up to Salisbury was my wife and I spent about two hours together in the car. Alone. And, yes, we talked to each other! There is a quaint saying which I’m sure applies to many couples:-

passing like ships in the night…

Its so easy to forget, or get so wrapped up in day to day routines, that if you’re spending your life with someone its nice to talk every now and then! And if there are problems or difficulties, they are best resolved by talking and problem solving together.

Pursue Hobbies and Interests

I have written before about pursuing things you enjoy. my main “active” hobbies are photography and geocaching. This weekend I made a point of doing both. We found 3 geocaches and I took about 25 photographs. Neither are momentous - to me the joy of both is the process, its not about numbers.

But its about engaging in activities I find satisfying.

I’m not a great photographer and some of my favorites from the weekend illustrate this page. Both hobbies are also ways of seeing and enjoying the world around us.

Family

I only live a mile from my mother, even less to mother-in-law (both widows). Yet it is so easy for time to go by with minimal contact, or just talking over the phone.

Like the issue with friends, for most of us families are an important foundation in our lives. But we can take them for granted.

This weekend I made the effort and invited them round for a meal on Sunday. Effort, what effort?! It took just a phone call and hardly any extra preparation.

Focus

Part of my planning my weekend was deciding what television I was going to watch. Its so easy to drift into watching hours of TV without planning to see any of it. I like television and feel it has a major role in educating, informing and entertaining. But needs using with caution!

One programme I made a point of watching on Saturday night that was a tribute to a British producer of comedy programmes, Geoffrey Perkins, who was killed in a traffic accident in August. He appeared to have been involved in practically every TV show of the past 30 years and numerous actors and coomedians lined up to pay tribute. What was common  in the tributes was how pleasant he was:-

Geoffrey never had a bad word to say about anybody, whatever the provocation, and nobody had a bad word to say about him. He was a genuinely special individual: loyal, brilliant, generous, kind, modest, supportive, strangely good at pub quizzes and bloody funny. Peter Bennet-Jones

But the other trait of Geoffrey that made him so prolific and successful was his ability to focus.  As a producer he had to deal with and pull together the varied elements that go to make a TV comedy show - including the fragile egos of its stars. He was able to focus on the core elements that made the shows work - and politely ditch what didn’t.

So, be pleasant and be very clear what you are focusing on. Sounds simple doesn’t it!

Remembrance Day

In the UK we have a long established custom of buying and wearing poppies as a mark of respect and to remember those who have given their lives in war.  This culminates on Rememberance Sunday with a two minute silence:-

Remembrance Sunday is the day traditionally put aside to remember all those who have given their lives for the peace and freedom we enjoy today. On this day people across the nation pause to reflect on the sacrifices made by our brave Service men and women.

I’m 50 and never had to, or volunteered for, military service. My grandfathers brother was killed during World War One. My generation has made few sacrifices by comparison.

Remembering the sacrifices of others so we can lead the lives we do, again, doesn’t take much effort. It can also put into perspective our current grumbles and problems.

Last weeks post looked into our beliefs and came up with the, unsurprising,  suggestion that perhaps we should abandon our unhelpful, negative beliefs.

beliefs are like headlights...

People confuse their beliefs with facts, and generally a belief is something we see as being true.  Having been told all their life that they’re useless, a person with low self esteem may see this as a fact of life, rather than a belief they have learnt over the years.

Our mind is full of thoughts, that we are conscious of; our belief system is generally silent and we don’t notice it. But our thoughts arise from that belief system.

“Just because you’ve believed something for a long time doesn’t mean its right. It just means you’ve believed it for a long time!”  Craig Harper.

Take Stock

Thats why its useful to take stock and separate out what you believe and why. For example, you may be a vegetarian because of a decision you made in your teens that eating meat was unhealthy and cruel to animals. Or it could be that you were brought up in a strict “meat is murder” household, where there was never any  questioning of this as a fact. In both cases you would have an underlying belief that eating meat is wrong, but reached from different directions.

If we are out driving a car at night, we only see the bit of the world that our headlights pick up. Our whole awareness, what we take see,  is determined by what our beliefs allow us to see:-

Even though there is a whole world out there in the darkness at night, you only see what your headlights, or belief systems, reveal.  This is very similar to how your awareness operates.  In awareness, however, your belief systems act as your headlights.  In other words, your beliefs focus your awareness in the same way that your headlights direct your vision.  John Sklare

This may sound an over simplification, but it does emphasize how our belief systems narrow our view of the world.

Start Questioning

Questioning and challenging our beliefs is in itself a major way of changing them. A word of warning - if you are happy with a belief and it gives you a positive foundation in your life, don’t start questioning it too deeply!

Olympic gold medalist, world record holder and world champion triple jumper Jonathan Edwards became renown as a Christian after he refused to compete in the 1991 world championships because it involved competing on a  Sunday. He later relented on competing on a Sunday, but throughout his successful career he often stated how his faith sustained him. On retirement he became a broadcaster and presented the BBC’s top religious programme “Song of Praise” and fronted a documentary on St Paul. But:-

“Once you start asking yourself questions like, ‘How do I really know there is a God?’ you are already on the path to unbelief… It made me realize that I had taken things for granted that were taught to me as a child without subjecting them to any kind of analysis. When you think about it rationally, it does seem incredibly improbable that there is a God.” Jonathan Edwards quoted in The Times

It came up in the last post that we are taught religion as facts, rather than as ideas to investigate and find our own path. I don’t bring this up to start a debate on religion, but simply to get you thinking about beliefs and where yours come from. If someone like Jonathan Edwards can abandon a deeply held belief in God by questioning, how about that belief that you’re not good enough?

Ask yourself questions - why do you think or act in a particular way? On what belief is this based, how did you come to that decision? And if your belief is based on the views or opinions of others, what sort of reasoning is behind their thinking?

Change Habits

One method to help both identify your beliefs and challenge them is do different things.  Read a different newspaper (or blog, forum, book),  watch TV shows you don’t normally see, take a different route to work, eat something new for lunch.  I have repeated come back to the point that much of our daily behavior is based on habit. This helps us by giving a reassuring structure to our lives and stops us burning out by having to make too many decisions.

But changing habits is a relatively easy way to start exploring the beliefs. Learn different things, expose yourself to different points of view, deliberately step outside your comfort zone.

Best of all, interact with different people. How much do your political opinions reflect those of your parents? How much of your negativity reflects the type of people you talk to each day?

Who we interact with doesn’t necessarily determine our beliefs, but it can reinforce them or influence them. If you spend your time with uplifting, positive people that will also help change your view of the world. If you have a manager who has great belief in you, constantly praises and reinforces your efforts, then your belief in you will change as well. Sadly, thats not the common experience.

Step Outside your Comfort Zone

Going back to the post by Craig Harper I linked to last post, he suggests

Working through challenges that force us to confront and deal with our fears is one of the most effective ways to change the way we think, believe, behave and produce in our world. Most of our limiting beliefs are about US (what we can, can’t, should, shouldn’t do, be, create, achieve), so when we confront, rather than avoid the things that scare us, we typically experience an instant shift in our thinking.

So when we do something we didn’t think possible, like run a marathon, it challenges that underlying belief  regarding our abilities as a runner/sportsman. But it also helps us challenge other beliefs, by recognising anything is possible. Your self talk can change to “Well if I can run a marathon why should I be scared of talking to ten people…”

Remember, as Henry Ford famously said:-

If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.

photo by DerrickT on Flickr

Follow me on Twitter:- http://twitter.com/David365

If you meet someone for the first time, one of the first questions you exchange is “What do you do?”. Our reply tends to focus on what we do for work, our occupation. We label, or “brand” ourselves as “a student”, “a nurse” or (dare I say it) “a plumber”.

There was a very interesting  post recently on one of my favorite blogs  The Positivity Blog. In describing 10 steps to be the brand you want in life, Mike King says:-

“Work is really just a portion of our lives since working for 40 hours a week and 50 weeks a year for up to 40 years (about 80,000 hours) is actually only about 11.4% of our entire lives (700,000 hours) if you expect to live to an age of 80 years old.

Even if you took 1/3 of your life away to account for sleeping, you still only work about 17% of your waking hours in a lifetime. Think about that for a minute. Is work really that important in the whole scheme of things if it is such a small portion of our lives from birth to death?  I’d say not.”

After going through the 10 steps he feels we need to take to review and build the “brand” you want to be, Mike closes the post with another interesting statement:-

“It will drastically improve your confidence in yourself and can really give you the boost you need to become happier, more effective and much more consistent in your life.  Don’t settle and be complacent with your current brand unless you can honestly be described in your life as the way you want to be and the best person you can possibly be.”

I’d encourage you to read the original article to see the 10 steps Mike suggests.  Some of the questions he raises boil down to trying to know yourself better:-

What are the things that are important to you?

What do you live for?

What is your purpose in life?

What things are meaningful to you?

Do you have and know your morals?

What makes you unique?

My own take on such a process is to start with our beliefs. If you recognize that its the belief system that we carry around with us that forms the foundation for everything else, then getting to know ourselves becomes more straightforward (although not necessarily easier).

Another blog I follow and enjoy, Craig Harper’s Renovate your Life, has recently had a 3 part series on Do you Determine Your Beliefs, or do your Beliefs Determine You?. Again, although its quite detailed, I’d recommend reading the original posts. Craig asks the questions:-

“Do your current beliefs propel you towards greatness or do they keep you trapped in mediocrity, monotony and misery? Do they serve you, or do you serve them? Who’s really running the show?
Do they help you achieve your dreams and goals, or do they keep you in your own private mental and emotional prison? Do they enable you to explore your potential and do amazing, or do they keep you in your safe, familiar, predictable little box (Under-Achievement Central)?”

Most of our beliefs take root with no conscious decision making on our part. They are a result of our influences - parents, peers, teachers - and the experiences we go through. And just because you’ve believed something for a long time, it doesn’t mean its correct.

I have written a post Challenging Beliefs about the actor John Hurt, whose deep seated belief that he was of Irish decent was shown to be false when he investigated his family tree for a TV programme.  Finding this belief was false devastated John:-

“what has changed is a belief that had been a foundation of how he saw himself, had been suddenly removed. It was now impossible to sustain any thought that when visiting Ireland, he was “coming home”.”

We don’t grow up challenging the beliefs of those around us or the beliefs we adopt. Craig Harper grew up in a Catholic home and went to a Catholic school. As he so beautifully puts it:-

“Here’s a sentence I was never gonna hear from the Nuns in my religious education classes at school; “Okay students, we’ve decided to provide you all with an extensive overview of the core theology, philosophy and teaching of all the major religions of the world, then we’ll leave it up to you to explore the ‘God thing’ in your own way and see where you land; it’s important that you find your own truth, listen to your own heart and develop your own religious and spiritual beliefs and understanding.”

Even in adulthood its often easiest to adopt the beliefs of those around you and it can take some courage to start openly challenging the beliefs held by your peers. Because most people aren’t prepared to step outside the comfort zone of their beliefs, anyone challenging those beliefs is likely to be criticized, ridiculed or ostracized.

Some of our beliefs are quite disempowering - that we are incapable, inefficient, never be up to much, we’re stupid. Craig breaks beliefs into 3 types- positive, negative and incidental. The latter don’t have much bearing on our day to day functioning. I believe the sun will rise tomorrow and I believe eating porridge for breakfast is good for me.

Positive and negative beliefs are opposites and fairly self explanatory, Some negative ones came up at the start of the last paragraph - anything that stops you, undermines your self esteem and self confidence. Whereas positive beliefs help you fulfill your potential with confidence, they keep your self esteem high.

The problem can be identifying what you believe and what do you do about the negative unhelpful ones. I will look into that more next time. But in the meantime, try to identify your beliefs yourself. And do you agree, that beliefs are the foundation of our “brand”?

A common  method suggested to build self confidence is to “fake it till you make it”. Easier said than done. Here’s a few ideas.

Practice

The old saying “practice makes perfect” could be rewritten “practice makes confident”. It may sound obvious, but in this day and age practicing a skill seems to be overlooked. We forget we weren’t born able to walk or talk!

I touched on practice a few weeks ago in my post on activity. What I like about the use of magic tricks, as opposed to ballet and karate is that the children could perform confidently after a short period of time. But, they still needed to practice to get there. Practice only makes permanent what you practice - good or bad. My daughter practicing her singing is a case where bad may become permanent!

Since I started writing this post, I’ve just come across this article on the importance of practice

Smile

One of my earlier posts can you improve confidence with a smile has a lovely quote:-

Have you ever tried to smile and think of a negative thought? Usually the result is that one of the feelings will win out.

Even if its through gritted teeth, get those lips moving! If you focus your thoughts on smiling, then they’re not recycling the negatives about what you can’t do.

Practice smiling with your eyes. This is about smiling inwardly, becoming in control of your self talk and being positive about the situation you find yourself in.

Look Confident

As well as smiling, get your body up to scratch. Statistics vary, but at least 70% of your message is conveyed through body language. I’ve broken down steps you can take to look confident which revolve around lifting your body out of its pelvis and relaxing your shoulders. Sounds painful, but do check it out!

Sound Confident

How do you sound to others? Whatever voice you are born with, their are exercises you can do to improve your speaking voice. This starts with practicing speaking out loud to tone up your speaking muscles. Other exercises described include over emphasizing syllables and exaggerating the movements made  as you speak.

Unfortunately our voice can let us down when we are anxious. The symptoms of anxiety can lead to a dry mouth and rapid, shallow breathing. Anxiety is usually triggered  by thinking as we seldom encounter real danger that requires this fight or fight response.

Positive Thinking

I have written several posts that touch on positive thinking. There are two basic issues. One, we get into bad thinking habits. For instance after doing something, several people may praise us and one may say something slightly critical - we only focus on the criticism.

The other is our everyday self talk.  We get in the habit of thinking negatively because we receive far more negative messages than positive, Consequently, our automatic thoughts are negative. And unfortunately we take thoughts as facts. Get in the habit of challenging negative thoughts, rather than believing them.

Stop worrying

Worrying is like putting petrol/gasoline on a bonfire. Worrying doesn’t actually solve a problem, it just makes us feel worse. We all do it to varying degrees, but worry has no usefulness what so ever. Learn to problem solve - the first step when you find yourself worrying is to define what the problem actually is.

Improve your Environment

Ensure your environment is helpful. There may be some things you can’t help - like when I worked in a prison built in 1856!  It didn’t exactly make you feel cheery and positive when you went in.  But usually you can make adjustments, especially at home to ensure clutter and mess don’t leave you feeling flat.  However you feel, your mood has a knock on effect on your confidence.

Using pictures or symbols  is also effective. I’m not hot on those slick motivational posters you can get, but you can always create your own.  Using a photograph, piece of music or anything inspiring to you can help. I wrote about the big demand for empty bottles with inspirational labels in China recently.

Stop being self conscious

As I said in my post on self consciousness:-

Do you worry what others think about you? Are you afraid of looking a fool in public - of being a subject of ridicule? How self conscious are you? Would you stay inside rather than go out in scruffy, dirty clothes - or without make up?!

Start putting you head above the parapet, do things that you feel are right, not what may look good to others. On that note, I will end with a video of me looking like a whale as I make my escape…

The actor Colin Farrell says

“I definitely have an addictive personality”

- he succumbed not just to alcohol and drugs but to breakfast cereal Rice Krispies! He has been treated for his addictions at the Crossroads Center, a rehab clinic set up by rock guitarist Eric Clapton in Antigua.

Coincidentally, Clapton, is another celebrity who has admitted to an “addictive personality”.  He went through addictions to heroin, cocaine and alcohol. He was successfully treated for his drug addiction, but then fell into problems with alcohol.

Whilst the term “addictive personality” may be helpful to explain away an addiction, it doesn’t have any real meaning or basis in science. There is some evidence that there is a genetic predisposition to develop addictions and some personality disorders can make someone more prone to compulsive behavior.

The other problem with “addictive personality” is it suggests that someone has no control, no way of stopping the problem. It can put responsibility out of their hands. It was interesting to listen to British comedian Jim Davidson blame everyone but himself for what had gone wrong in his life - an addict to woman as well as alcohol.  As well as blaming his “addictive personality”, he blamed the press for the end of his fourth marriage following the publicizing of an affair:-

“The media did it. I wouldn’t have told her.”

Eric Clapton has referred to his very confused, tumultuous childhood - discovering his mother was actually his sister among other things. In his interview with David Frost he says:-

“…having discovered that I didn’t like who I was, that I had to go and, you know, bend myself to make myself attractive to other people. And I found that when I drank or took drugs or whatever or changed myself from the inside out that I felt I was more acceptable to other people.”

This sounds classically like someone trying to cope with low self esteem. I have no desire to dig into the pasts of Colin Farrell or Jim Davidson to see if they suffered low self esteem, but Elton John is another celebrity with well documented battles with drugs, alcohol and food.

Elton also says he has an “addictive personality”. But interestingly, Elton also talks about his harshly critical father:-

“I just thought I could never do anything right in my father’s eyes. From the word go, my earliest memory, we were awkward with each other and never knew how to communicate on a proper level as he did with his other children.

“He just intimidated me so much. I was afraid of him big-time. I used to think I could never do anything right. When he was around, I wasn’t even allowed to make a noise. I was even afraid of eating celery at the table.

“I know it knocked my self-esteem and I still suffer from that all the time. I still have terrible problems with the way I look, with my weight and stuff like that.”

I‘m not going to suggest that everyone with an addiction problem has low self esteem. But having discussed the link between depression and low self esteem, I think the link with addictions is just as relevant.

Why do we engage in activities like drug taking, drinking alcohol, gambling, over indulging with food? The simple answer is to feel better, to escape the present. Whilst the longer term effects may be destructive, we learn to enjoy the short term boosts - or distractions from reality.

We cover up uncomfortable feelings with the addictive behavior and for a few brief moments, we might actually feel better. Instead, of staying with our uncomfortable feelings and dealing with them, addictive behaviors bypass what might be difficult and painful. This becomes an emotional rollercoaster.

There have been studies that back up this logical link.  A study at Florida State University found that low self-esteem and peer approval of drug use at age 11 predicted drug dependency at age 20. Professor John Taylor, one of those who carried out this 9 year study on 872 boys said:-

“Low self-esteem is kind of the spark plug for self-destructive behaviors, and drug use is one of these,” Taylor said. “It’s a fundamental need to have a good sense of self. Without it, people may become pathologically unhappy with themselves, and that can lead to some very serious problems.”

People who are unsure of themselves have trouble sustaining their relationships because their feelings get easily hurt. As I have discussed in the unhelpful thinking posts, its very easy to negatively interpret the actions or words of others.  Feeling insulted, hurt, embarrassed, and ashamed (probably without due cause) their reactions can stifle blossoming friendships.

Addiction is not always in pursuit of pleasure, it can be an attempt to drown the pain.  Being dissatisfied and  frustrated with who you  think you are and what you feel about yourself is a major problem with low self esteem. If someone starts using something as an alternative to that pain,  an individual with low self esteem doesn’t have the  will power to stand up to his or her addiction.

You can’t prove the addictive personality doesn’t exist (its very difficult to prove anything doesn’t exist!) and I’m sure that people will use it as a model to explain their addiction for years to come. But it doesn’t help deal with the addiction. Recognizing the link with low self esteem is a more useful model, not least because self esteem can be improved.

Does ballet increase self confidence?

I have set up my browser with google/ig and get regular alerts on web sites that feature self esteem and self confidence. I feature some of the better self esteem pages in Self Esteem Review (many just flag up problems with low self esteem rather than solutions). Looking at my links to self confidence, there have been three recent articles that suggest doing certain activities can boost self confidence. I highlight the comments from the karate and ballet instructors, plus the psychologist who looked at magic tricks.

Karate Helps Self Confidence

This article is about Dubai Karate Center. According their karate instructor Sensei Renjith:-

“Karate is more than a self-defense technique. It makes one confident to face any situation in life. Many parents who have sent their children to me for training have admitted that there has been a radical transformation in the behavior of their children after learning karate…

anyone who familiarizes himself or herself with the sport, can actually develop virtues like patience, discipline and respect towards others.”

All over the world people take up martial arts - and in particular send their children to learn. Two of my daughters did karate for several years, I did it for a few years, having also tried Aikido, in my early twenties.

The argument that learning karate will make you “confident to face any situation in life” is not dissimilar to that behind undertaking fear inducing activities like tackling a Ropeworks course. My view, in that post on taking risks, was it can be counter productive - especially if you hate the activity or find it distressing.

Ballet Teacher Uses Dance to Instill Self Confidence

Conforming to the sexual stereotypes of the time, whilst my brother did judo my sister had ballet lessons. In South Daytona, USA, a ballet school has been operating for twenty years. Trying to instill grace and poise into young girls (it still appears a predominantly female activity), the instructor, Nobuko Walls, says that

“her goal isn’t to see one of her students dance on the stage with a world-famous ballet company. She’s more interested in establishing the right foundation in life for all of her students, by instilling discipline and self-confidence.”

There are hints towards the end of the article that only a small percentage of her students have the necessary qualities to excel at ballet - and one assumes get the benefit of improved self confidence. I have very limited knowledge of ballet, but assume it looks difficult to master. Anyone able to comment on this?

Harry Potter-Style Lessons Boost Children’s Confidence

Does magic improve self confidence?

Learning magic tricks is a new one on me. This article - the best of the three by far - reports on an experiment that compared the results between a group of children who learned magic tricks over a two week period (and then performed them to others), and the control group where self confidence was boosted by stories, role play and discussion. Using a questionnaire those running the experiment were able to show that teaching magic was more effective at boosting self confidence and social skills. The reasons behind this success were given as:-

In carry out the tricks successfully, the children had to practice repeatedly – which developed their self-discipline and concentration. They had to learn how to present the tricks to a class, boosting their confidence. And they also had to think carefully about how their audience would see their performance – and avoid giving the tricks away. That encouraged empathy and social skills.

You may have noticed that apart from self confidence, the word that features in all three quotes is discipline. Perhaps what helps instill self confidence through the different activities is having to apply self discipline? That those studying karate don’t gain self confidence through being able to defend themselves, but through self discipline?

The magic quote above suggested that the self confidence comes through performing the tricks to others. Ballet and karate can also involve performing skills learnt to other people.

I certainly didn’t gain self confidence through my experiences with martial arts. I was never very good and didn’t really enjoy the experiences. Reflecting on activities I have done over the years, I can recall positive experiences with swimming, running and photography. What I think is the linking factor is simply being good at something - and others recognizing that you are.

I believe self discipline and will power are very important - but linked more with levels of self esteem rather than self confidence. Being able to demonstrate that you are good at something is central to high self confidence. The activities featured can also work in lowering self confidence - if you give up because you cannot master them or if you experience failure performing in front of others.

Self confidence is about your confidence in your abilities. What I liked about the use of magic tricks is the way a task was broken down and the right level of complexity was used to teach the children a skill over a short period of time. My concern about activities like karate and ballet is they require considerable dedicated practice to get to a level where you are proficient enough to feel confident.

Activity in Occupational Therapy

Whilst I have written frequently about “thinking skills”, in my day job I am mainly using activity as a treatment medium. The old joke about Occupational Therapists in psychiatry (in the UK anyway) is that we use basket weaving as a treatment medium. My criticism of an activity like basket weaving or (say) woodwork to build confidence and concentration is that its difficult! Its also very easy to make a mistake that cannot be rectified - that is also quite visible when the work is finished.

In my work today we tend to use activities like pottery. Working with clay is therapeutic for sensory reasons, but its also possible to get very good results in a short period of time without having to be highly skilled. Making something that is pleasing and leads to a satisfying finished product is an essential part using activity to improve confidence. And, as in the other examples - using activity can backfire if the person is unable to perform at a level necessary to “be good”.

photos by arquera and tiny white lights on Flickr

In unhelpful thinking last week I touched on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and the link between our thinking, self esteem and depression.  In a comment a few weeks ago Sherri had asked me if there is a link between self esteem and depression, and i think its a good time to try and answer that.

What is depression?

In everyday language its not uncommon for someone to say they’re feeling depressed, as in “bit out of sorts”, “fed up”. Unfortunately it does lead to the view that anyone with depression should just “snap out of it”. Sadly, they can’t.  What distinguishes depression from having an off day is the fact that it is a prolonged lowering of mood. The other main component is that it interferes, to varying degrees, with a persons ability to function - you cannot do your normal day to day activities.

Over my years of working in psychiatry there have been changes to the way different types of depression are categorized (or even classified) - and that varies internationally. It is widely accepted that in some cases there is an inherited or genetic component.  In others, the root of the depression can be linked to social/environmental factors, or prolonged stress.

According to the World Health Organization depression is the fourth most disabling condition in the world, and expected to rise to second (behind heart disease) by 2020. Interestingly its already second in the developed world, possibly reflecting the role of lifestyle and community  in the cause of depression.

The symptoms of depression can be quite diverse - some people getting pronounced anxiety at the same time, others more biological symptoms, such as loss of appetite. The generally consistent factor is feeling low, not experiencing pleasure, lacking motivation.

There are  treatments, such as CBT that have become increasingly seen as effective for depression. In milder depression counseling, exercise or other activities may be helpful. But the main treatment used remains anti depressants.

It has always bemused me that some people fill themselves with illicit drugs and/or consume food and drink filled with chemicals, yet can be reluctant to take prescribed medication for mental illnesses. I am certainly not getting into a discussion about the efficacy of medications here. But I would stress the need to follow medical advice and if you want to stop or change medication have a discussions with whoever is prescribing.

Anti depressants can take several weeks to be fully effective, and if one doesn’t work there are others that can be tried. It annoys me when I read advice on forums to “throw away those pills”. Apart from anything else, if you want to come off an anti depressant, some need to be done gradually

Depression is a serious mental illness that requires medical intervention. It should be taken seriously. Whether or not the cause of depression is a particular stressor, low self esteem or unhelpful thinking, if someone is seriously depressed they won’t be in any shape to deal with “the cause” until the depression has lifted.

Is there a link to self esteem?

Like with unhelpful thinking, I am not aware of any studies that have proved a link, or causal factor, between persistent low self esteem and depression.  If you break your leg, you usually can give pretty clear reasons why that happened. But as I state above, depression doesn’t fit neatly into a “cause and effect” categorization.

Another, and more helpful, way of trying to find a link is to ask “does self esteem have an impact on mood”. In several posts I have discussed how our thinking effects how we feel. If you think in a persistently negative way, your outlook will be negative and pessimistic. How you feel - your mood - will be affected.

Self esteem is basically how you think about yourself.  You cannot “see” low self esteem in the way you can observe a lack of confidence. If you persistently think about yourself in a negative way (which is consistent with low self esteem), it will have an impact over time on your mood. And a persistent low mood is a major sign of depression.

The argument can also work the other way. Someone who normally functions at a high level, with usually high self confidence and self esteem, can start to experience low mood for no apparent reason. As they slide into depression their self esteem and confidence come down with them.

A few weeks ago I read  an opinion dismissing  self esteem as a concept:-

“It’s a terribly oversold notion, and in reality is simply not all that important.”

I couldn’t disagree more.  Our view of ourself impacts on how we subsequently function. Persistent low self esteem will affect mood and make someone more vulnerable to depression and other mental health problems. In later posts I intend looking more closely at the link between self esteem and other aspects of our behavior and make up, such as motivation and will power.

photo by Felipe Morin on Flickr

Self esteem and self confidence can be undermined by our thinking habits. In this final part looking at some of these unhelpful habits, there are just two remaining. What we have covered to date are:-

Shoulds

Musts

All or Nothing

Over Generalization

Jumping to Conclusions

Mental Filter

Catastrophising

Labeling

Which leaves us with:-

Self Blaming

This is the tendency to blame ourselves when things go wrong, to always assume “its our fault”. Even when an event isn’t within your control, you take responsibility for the outcome. This personalization can often take place within relationships - if a person is angry or upset you assume its your fault, its because you said something to upset them.

In a worse case scenario people put up with violence from a partner, telling themselves it was their “bad behavior” that caused them to act violently.

If you see yourself as the root of all problems, it is naturally going to lead to low self esteem. We will feel angry and frustrated with ourselves, and our thinking focuses on our inadequacies. Rather than problem solving or taking a rational, balanced view of a difficulty we just dwell on “what we have caused“.

This doesn’t mean that you should never take responsibility or start blaming others or other things for any misfortune! But practice looking for alternative explanations before automatically blaming yourself.

Disqualifying the Positive

You reject positive experiences or achievements. To build our self esteem an important technique is to remind ourselves of our successes, what is good about our life, what we do well. If you tell yourself that your successes “don’t count” for some reason - such as “anyone could have done it” - then all you see is failure.

Everyday we do things we can feel positive about, things that we gloss over as we’re familiar with them. We forget the skills we learnt in order to perform them without thinking - such as cooking meals, driving, reading and writing. If you remind yourself that not everyone can do these things, then its easier to keep your bigger achievements in perspective.

How to Change

These ten unhelpful thinking patterns - sometimes called thinking errors or twisted thinking - can affect us all. The main thing to grasp is that our thoughts about an event that affect our feelings - not the event itself. Two people can experience the same event and come away with different thoughts on it. Consequently they will feel differently.

If you constantly interpret things negatively, your outlook and feelings will be negative. This perpetuates low self esteem - it can also lead to depression and anxiety. The principles here form the basis of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), now seen as an effective therapy for depression.

The first stage in changing is to realize you are doing it. Write things down. Some of the habits - “shoulds” for example - are easier to notice than others. If you can identify more than one, select the most frequent or easily spotted.

Practice challenging that one habit. What’s an alternative interpretation? How would a friend view it? Are there other words you could use?

It may take a while and it may be frustrating. Don’t forget - you’re changing the habits of a lifetime. But recognizing the connection between your thoughts and how you feel, then changing your thoughts, can pay huge dividends.

When I stated this blog 18 months ago, some of my early posts were on saying no. However, my posts then were barely a paragraph long at times. Writing the past two posts on criticism, and being unable to properly link to this related skill, I thought it useful to update.

You have a right to say no

Ironically this post coincides with my daughter being asked (and agreeing) to do an extra  shift at the restaurant she works at. The examples below were based around a request to work someones shift when I originally wrote them.

Saying yes when you would rather say no causes YOU stress

Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness).  It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs. One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs.  Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked. But, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused.

You only have so many hours in the day - whatever you agree to take on means you are unable to do something else

True friendship is based on recognizing each others needs, not just our own. If saying no to someone makes them angry and stomp off - well what sort of friendship is that?  They will go and find someone else to take advantage of.

If you lack confidence, you tend to avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses - creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you. So the first aim is to say no without apologizing.

Don’t get in the habit of telling lies to avoid having to do something

Simple No

The first technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest - but  not always the easiest!  By just saying “no” and nothing else you may feel rude or aggressive.  But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it. And if you remain polite, no offense should be taken. No apologizing, be direct and succinct.

“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”

”No, I cannot.”

“Please, I really need tomorrow off”

”No”

“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”

“No, I’ve made clear I can’t.”

Reasoned No

You can still give a genuine reason, without opening up any discussion as to your availability:-

“No, I’ve got to do some family commitments”

“No, it’s not possible I’m busy”

“No, I don’t want to”.

The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology - “I’m sorry… ” Or “I’m afraid…”

The other person may have a problem, may be very needy - but you don’t have to take it on board or feel it’s your responsibility to meet that need.

Don’t vaguely agree (“I’ll try to be there”) or give an uncommitted response to something you know you don’t want to do.

Broken Record

A useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer.  If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, it’s tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no.  This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies. Again, no explanation - just repeat.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day” -

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else; you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

Reflective No

A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way.  It shows you are listening to the person, acknowledge what they are saying, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic sa