I have done bits and pieces on assertiveness in the past, this post brings everything together to give an overview of this important skill – otherwise known as confident communication. How to be assertive means
“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.” (source unknown)
When we think of unassertive behaviour, we tend to automatically focus on passive or weak responses to the demands of others. But aggression is also non assertive, as is manipulative or sarcastic language and behaviour.
Passive Behaviour
I’m not OK…but you are Passive behaviour is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs. Passive behaviour is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”.
Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger. Examples of passive behaviour include:- Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting Speech is rambling Apologizing all the time Putting yourself down Agreeing to things you don’t want to do or backing down Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” “sorry to bother you”
Aggressive Behaviour
I’m OK… but you’re not! Aggressive people can be surprised if anyone suggests that they should learn to be more assertive. Because, unlike passive people, they may actually be getting what they want. Getting what you want by being a bully may work in the short term, but longer term it leads to anger, fear and resentment in others.
We can all think of examples of people who use direct aggression as a way of communication. A bulldozing, “get out of my way”, style that is intolerant of others opinions – or just doesn’t listen – that leads the recipient to feel put-down, a loser (unless they respond aggressively themselves!). Verbal aggression as a communication style ultimately shows no respect or attempt at empathy for the other person.
Arrogant, over-bearing, opinionated – basically acting in a way that meets their needs only by ignoring (or violating) another persons. If you learn to be aggressive it can give the appearance of self confidence. This may be real, but it can also mask insecurities that you avoid facing by erecting a vocal barrier. Some examples of direct aggression are:
Stating opinions as facts Shouting, finger wagging Interrupting Threatening and blaming Giving orders Putting others down Making assumptions Its important to remember we’re looking at communication behaviours, not emotions. You can still get angry, whatever style you use – including assertiveness!
Indirect aggression
Manipulative behaviour is perhaps a better label than indirect aggression as its hard to perceive this as aggression – this isn’t hurting is it? Well, you are manipulating other people’s emotions to get what you want. You make them feel guilty, so that the only way of relieving that guilt is to give in to your request.
Sarcasm, deception, insinuating, ambiguity are all tools of indirect aggression. Using the example of requesting someone to work a shift and being declined, a manipulative response would then be:- “You would do it if you cared about me” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t really want to go to the concert anyway” Like direct aggression, indirect will meet needs in the short term by getting what we want. But long term it creates anger, resentment and frustration in others.
How to be assertive
I’m OK … and you’re OK Being assertive is about being able to clearly state what you think and how you feel. You stand up for your beliefs and make your own decisions. You acknowledge other peoples point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. An assertive person looks for ways to solve problems or challenges, giving praise or constructive criticism where needed. Body language is relaxed, but not cowed. Voice is clear, steady and firm.
How to be assertive is all about having self confidence. You can approach situations positively whilst listening to, and understanding, someone elses point of view. Its about respect for yourself, and others.
I have posted a Bill of Rights which you may want to revisit as is another way of summarizing what being assertive means. Here are some examples:- I have the right to: respect myself to have my own opinions and values and share them with others to be listened to express my feelings ask for what I want (accepting I may not always get it)
Say No
Its one thing knowing what assertiveness is, another to actually be assertive. Like many aspects of change, initially identifying a problem and working out after the event how you would like to have spoken can be useful. Practice saying out loud the type of assertive responses you want to make. The more confident you become with your rehearsed responses, the easier it becomes to start putting them into practice. I gave several examples of how to say no on an earlier post. A “simple no” is can be more aggressive than assertive (depending on how it is said). The best ones to practice are a “reasoned no”, “raincheck no” and in particular “broken record”.
Express Feelings
A useful way to express feelings is to use the following structure:- “I feel ….” “I feel …. when you …..” “I feel …. when you …. because ….” For example “I feel upset when you shout at me” or “I feel angry when you keep leaving me that to do because its not my job” What’s important is not to either take responsibility for others emotions or blame them as a person – in the above examples the link is with particular behaviour (”shout at me”) and appearance (”looking tired”) . If you had said “you’ve made me upset” or “you make me feel guilty” then you are holding them responsible for how you feel – which is not the idea!
As with saying no, its best to avoid including apologies. Again, you are simply saying how you feel. If you get in the habit of saying how you feel there and then, it avoids feelings “bottling up”. The danger of “bottling up” is that when you do express yourself, built up frustration and anger from previous occasions will come tumbling out.
Body Language
Don’t forget, a large percentage of any communication (over 70%) is transmitted by body language and pitch of voice. Revisit how to look confident for tips on posture. Practice your assertive messages in front of a mirror, or with a friend. Use a video camera to see how you look – it could be a real eye opener. I work with someone who comes out with very appropriate language. Unfortunately her body language and tone of voice makes her messages come across as quite aggressive. I need to have a word with her about how to be assertive! On Twitter? If you enjoyed this post, click here to tweet this post! (I’m sure your followers will find it useful it as well). Thank you
I can honestly say that I’ve gone through most of these behavioral patterns through the years.
In college, I developed what I can only say is manipulative behavior towards even the closest people to me. I think this was due to the fact that I was in a place and situation I didn’t like and I was angry a lot. I didn’t get physical or anything but I was very sarcastic even to my parents.
In my early 20s, an important person in my life made me see the error in my ways and I decided that I didn’t want to be that bitter person anymore. But since I wasn’t properly guided, I guess I went to an extreme and became a doormat. I had the passive behavior down pat. I had too much guilt from the years of being mean and difficult that I did everything I was told even when I didn’t want to do it, I was silent even when I wanted to speak out. All because I was afraid of going back to the old sarcastic me. After so many years of this behavior, I realized I was not happy at all and decided I needed to change again.
Now, I speak more and I can say no but only when I feel really strongly about something but I still have that passive behavior in me at times. I can’t really say that I’m more assertive now because I know I still have a long way to go. Your post is truly informative and inspiring since I really need to develop this assertive behavior without going into extremes again.
Thanks for the great read.
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Thanks for this great comment. I can empathize with you, having at times been manipulative and passive, but seldom aggressive. And however assertive we become, there are times when we do fall back on non assertive behavior – for example dealing with parents we may become passive again.
Changing our underlying beliefs, to believe we have the right to state our opinions, can prove difficult depending on how deep seated our more passive or submissive our existing beliefs have become.
Thanks for this frank and matter of fact advocacy for assertion. Human interactions have really got awfully disgraceful due to the fact of ‘aggression’ getting an undue acceptance and even a preferred way – as starting with ‘aggressive marketting’
Unfortunately owing to the ill-thought out ways of converting all of human interactions as some ‘marketting’ contexts – human interactions starting withing the family even has got disgracefully aggressive… and those who prefer not to be aggressive or even cannot do so for a virtual lack of ever having done… It is an awful victim-status for them that is accorded and they are indeed awfully manipulated and mauled even if the aggressorts arent checked.
Thakns again for the tips and advice as in confronting and nullifying the aggression through Assertion. The most important factor in assertion ouhgt to be reference to ‘oneself’ as much a rightful individual/ person vis a vis the aggressor in each of the contexts. .
Many Many Thanks Again – for the Self-esteem Review.
Bangalore – India
Hey David,
Great blog, I’ve really enjoyed reading it. Found you on Entrecard.
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Great help as I have came across very aggressive characters in my present workplace. I have to learn to deal with them.
Thanks Michael & Jennifer for your positive and encouraging feedback.
Veda – thanks also. I agree with you that aggression can be tolerated too readily in society and we get poor role models depicted in everywhere on what is acceptable behavior. And what I didn’t dwell on, some people do gain alot from being aggressive. Not everyone cares (or notices) if their aggressive behavior hurts others.
Fantastic article, thanks very much for posting it. You’ve pointed out a lot of things that I’ve never formally addressed, and a few that I’ve ignored. I’ll be sure to bookmark this site, what a great resource!
Un Saludo de Masajes Reynaldo fromm Spain.
Thanks for your blog and your header of Cuba photo.
Rey
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Aggressive behavior is too dangerous I think so because we can’t even spare the people at that time. So we should make them cool and then talk with them. I came across so many people who behaves like this.
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Hey David
You really pegged me with the description for Passive Behavior. I didn’t really consciously realize I was that way but as I read your description, every detail fit me. I’ll have to work on that! Thanks.
Hello, thank u so much for posting this info on here… I def fall into the category of passive and I am very angry with myself.. there are certain ppl in my life that have always pushed me and I feel bullied at times to do what they wanted me to be or do and now I have isolated myself from them so I don’ have to deal with the constant U should do this or U need to do that… recently I had an episode with one of my friends and I kept sayin I feel this and I feel that making sure I don’t ever point the finger at her meaning U this or U that cuz I know arguments never get solved when ppl are pointing the finger back and forth but at the end of it I heard U feel to much and truly I thought this is such a lost cause so i have no idea who to deal with that… How do U deal with people that have aggressive behaviors to actually use their ears and listen and not become defensive… I think me saying I feel vs whatever else was being assertive but still I got the put-downs and attitude… I have no idea how to interact with those kinda ppl… Whenever I tell them about certain events in my life that are goin on I sometimes get interrupted and then told U need to do this or U should do that with pushiness and I do not know how to handle it so I just sit there quietly and say nothing but inside I am fuming but I don’t want to ignite their even more aggressive behavior so I basically just keep my distance… Do U have any advice for me….
Thanks so much,
Jack, Hamilton ON
hi. right now and even before i'm really suffering from or struggling about being unassertive. i'm not that assertive because of many reasons. one factor that contributes to my unassertiveness is my past experience when i was in high school senior. i have a tutor in physics who is lazy and who is not that good and not that smart for me but he's the only tutor that was way better than others.i had no choice.. he is not as deep as i am. i don't like his teaching strategies because he was not explaining the concept of the lessons. he want us to just solve without understanding the concept. i knew my point was right because understanding the concept of something can let you understand everything. that's why everytime that i was not satisfied by my tutor's explanation, i ask him. then i found out that he was backstabbing me. he told my classmates that i was annoying because i keep on asking him. i understand that he was just busy and tired to entertain my questions but deep inside i was hurt. from that time, i was so afraid to ask questions. there's a heavy pressure that hinders me from asking certain questions.i always think that “what others feel annoyed by my asking of questions?”… and right now that i'm in college sophomore my teacher had recorded my grade wrongly. my grade is so low which i don't deserve. then i tried to be assertive enough to confront him though it's really hard. then he told me that he'll just fix it. i wish i could recheck if he had fixed it already but i'm really afraid because what if he gets irritated. even when it comes to group activities, i find it difficult to speak out certain things whenever i don't have a common ground. i also find it hard to say “no” when a person borrow something to me. i find it hard to express what i truly want or feel when i know everyone disagree with it. i really want to overcome this thing because it is driving me crazy. there's really an inner conflict, pressure and tension happening to me whenever such circumstances related to assertiveness occur.
i hope you understand.thanks
I don't know if you've read my ebook (or seen the unhelpful thinking posts) but you appear to have adopted some unhelpful habits – such as “jumping to conclusions”. Getting to be assertive takes practice and part of that is dealing with negative reactions from others as you change your behaviour. If you say no to a request to borrow something the person may get upset – but learn that its their problem, not yours.
Hi David,
As always a really well thought out artilce, thank you. I wish I had know this when many years ago I had to endure a couple of very aggressive bosses!
I really enjoyed learning more as I have just re read a book about communication — both verbal and non verbal. your article on passive behaviour fits in with my implementing active listening techeniques which have already helped me to make more real connections with people more oftern than before.
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Lance
Thanks for your kind words and comment. This really just scratches the surface on communication, there are many ways we can all improve.
David
I believe a lot of people THINK they are assertive when they are being aggressive or manipulative.
As you say, true assertiveness is when you are calm and can state your opinion clearly. Quite hard to do!
Andrew
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Andrew
I must confess I used to be quite manipulative, not realising how “unassertive” I was. Its easier to write about than put into practice, but practice is the only way to change.
David
I like the bill of rights. The right to self expression, asking for what you want and respecting yourself are all very important parts – they fill some basic needs we have. I learned an interview technique called Motivational Interviewing which requires the interviewer to be neutral to the outcome. The idea is to help someone change behaviors like physical abuse or substance abuse knowing they need to change but allowing them to not be willing to do so. Assertive Behavior like Motivational Interviewing is a learned skill but it is tied to our self-esteem. The real self-esteem we know we are entitled to. Some of us think we deserve too little and others too much. Those opinions lead to doormat or attack-dog behaviors that do no one any good.
Great ideas, well presented.
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Bruce
Thanks for your thoughtful insights. I very much agree, as i said to Andrew, that its a learned skill. And with low self esteem the problem is recognising that you are not responsible for others actions or emotions, true friends will respect you if you state your point of view. Someone who has been taking advantage of your passivity may be a bit shocked and put out!
David
I had lot’s of trouble with indirect agression, to me this is probably the most difficult to handle. Especially when my superiors used this technique. Well, it worked for them.
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Tom
Its a good point that others peoples non assertive behaviour may work and get them what they want, especially in the short term (and especially aggressive behaviour). But as you say, it has a negative effect on others and not be sustainable and lead to other problems.
David
I’m working hard to make sure my daughter learns how to strike the balance between confident but not aggressive, and humble without being meek. Children in school these days really need their own balance inside themselves so they don’t go off kilter with every little thing. Sometimes being assertive and standing up for what you believe or thing can also come across as being a know it all – so knowing when to stay true to yourself, but not overly attached to informing everyone else of you opinion is important too!
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Michelle
Thanks for your comment, I think its a fine balance for adults as well and someone may well perceive assertive behaviour as arrogance (especially if it isn’t what they want to hear!).
I’ve got three daughters, the younger two are 19. It frustrated me that life skills like good communication were never part of the curriculum.
David
The key word here are “I feel”. When we have good self-esteem there is better control over our emotions, because then we don’t feel like someone is attacking who we are. Or we understand that with there behavior as an aggressive person that they have low self-esteem. Bullies and aggressive people always think they have to prove themselves.
David this is a great article and has a lot of good information about people behavior. I use to be one of those people that always agreed, even when
I knew someone was wrong.
I have learned to be more assertive, but without being aggressive.
Debbie
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Debbie
Thanks for your comment and kind words. Good self esteem and assertiveness go hand in hand – although its an interesting question as to which comes first! And, as you do, its worth remembering that an aggressive person may have low self esteem and its not necessarily helping them.
David
Hi David –
The message that seems important to me here is to stay out of attack mode.
Instead of saying, “You make me angry or depressed” or whatever, it should be strictly resricted to “I feel angry or disrespected” when you do _________.
Honesty is hard to come by these days. But this is fair disagreement.
It does more to clear the air.
And as you say, you may not get what you want. But at least you have your self respect intact by being clear.
Then you have to let it go. It is out of your hands.
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Corinne
Thanks for your comment. Thats a great last sentence – let it go, its out of your hands. However “well” we communicate there are no guarantees, you have no control over other people.
David
Nice, David!
You could have included “I’m not OK, You’re not OK”… the classic paranoid, but they probably aren’t reading this… 🙂
My sister liked this as well and commented on my link in facebook: “I thoroughly enjoyed your post… ”
Ultimately, the most profound teaching I’m aware of could be simplified into “I’m OK, You’re OK”
The deep acceptance of self and others instantly leads to a Powerful place of peace.
keep smiling!
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Benjamin
Thanks for your comment. Yep, I’m OK, You’re OK sums up being assertive. It helps being reminded that, whilst looking after our own needs, its not about trying to beat the other person.
David
This is a great guide to being more assertive. So many people (including me) find it difficult to say no. I think if we are inherently polite, it can take literally years to learn to stand up for ourselves and our values.
These days i am learning more about being assertive and using language that puts my point across, politely but with firmness.
Jen
Jen
Thanks for your comment & compliment. It is hard to say no – and hard to grasp that saying no isn’t the same as being rude! As I said to Michelle above, its a shame we don’t get taught such life skills at school.
David
Very interesting, something I’ve never really thought about (I like your posts for that!). Being English in America I often get told to stop apologizing as I say Sorry a lot even when I have no influence or reason to be actually “sorry”. So I try to limit that now without seeming to be uncaring at the same time. Saying no is a very difficult one, though is becoming easier with practice!
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Joel
I had a group tennis lesson the other night and suggested we all try and go 5 minutes without saying sorry! It must be ingrained in us at birth, likewise the inability to say a straight no. Thanks for your comment, keep practising.
David
I know this wasn’t meant to be a humor piece but sometimes we laugh at situations we are familiar with and several parts of this post made me chuckle. Solid stuff once again
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Mitch
Thanks for the comment – if it tweaked any of your buttons that’s fine by me!
David
“Bringing everything together about confident communication” – way beyond the scope of the average blog post out there, and I imagine so is the amount of time and effort it took to create it. Impressive, and very much confirming the fact that we sometimes mightn’t remember what was said, but we rarely forget how it was said [as every marketeer worth his salt knows :-].
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Beat
The post does bring together some previous posts, so it wasn’t created in one go – its certainly longer than I normally write. Thanks for commenting.
David
What a remarkable post. I mean WHAT A REMARKABLE POST!
I’m quite assertive, but being Canadian I apologize a lot for no reason … it’s just a Canadian thing.
Krizia
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Krizia
And I thought apologizing for no reason was just a British thing!! Thanks for your comment and kind words.
David
Hi David,
I just had an opportunity to put this lesson into practice. Feeling manipulated by someone playing the guilt game infuriates me! We all do it, I suppose. Good practice to stop doing it and to stop letting people do it to me. I scored for myself this morning. By saying no, as gently as possible whilst remaining firm. Thanks for this – good timing!
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Cheryl
Well done! Assertiveness can be very difficult to put into practice – we can know the theory, but then saying no just doesn’t work. I’m still working to improve. Thanks for your comment.
David
Excellent post as always David. I like how you distilled the different attitudes down so simply with the I’m okay…you’re ______ statements. Very handy for a discussion point with the boys!
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Hi David,
Great post! 🙂
I’ve been catching up on a few of posts lately since I’ve been busy working on my new blog. But hey that’s true — assertiveness isn’t that easy to accomplish and it’s about practicing oneself expression to give thoughts and then react to others. Sometimes I can say I can sound angry but sometimes I can sound too passive, depending on the mood. But still, we have to remain assertive to also balance situations and take care of reputation.
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This is a great post, and very important. Bottling things up creates a lot of anger and resentment, and can do a lot of mental and emotional damage, depending on when you start bottling things up and whether you consciously choose to keep quiet or it becomes an automatic way of life.
I spent a lot of my early years learning to bottle up everything from emotions to opinions. I kept quiet and kept the peace. It eventually all broke down, everything came out at once, and I made a lot of psychiatrists and therapists a lot of money. I still do to a point.
Long-term passiveness and continuous bottling things up leads to long-term depression and other mood disorders. Depending on when it happens in your life, it actually rewires your brain permanently and you face life-long mood disorders that can be accompanied by psychosis.
I will likely continue to take medication for depression the rest of my life. Whenever I try to wean off of it, I end up physically unable to get out of bed. Depression used to be suicidal thoughts and attempts with outbursts of rage, but now I slow down, lose interest, become less and less able to do everyday things, have no energy, and have trouble coping with work because of a lack of energy and interest. I stop seeing friends, stop talking to my family and veg out. It’s no way to live, so I stay on my meds and keep my psychiatry appointments.
Even when I’m adequately medicated, I still struggle with fatigue more than normal. You really do have to wind yourself up and it takes extra energy to fight to keep going at a normal pace. Having a job that you absorb yourself in helps because you can zone out on work and focus away from depression. Work that keep you physically very busy does the same thing. You can put the depression away for awhile because you are busy. Unfortunately, it comes back when you finish work. But if you can get in a zone and focus for awhile, you can still accomplish things well.
My experience taught me to be assertive, say what you have to say in the moment or as soon as possible, and don’t bottle things up. I also had to learn to pick my fights and let unimportant things go.
Assertiveness can really save your life.
Sherri
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Good article. But does being assertive helps with very irrational people? I have periods of being very passive, tolerating much from people, and then exploding finishing relationships. Now, I´m sometimes aggressive when I can´t set boundaries to others, others assertive and last some passive moment. Hope to find some balance in my life some day. The theory is easy, the practice is the hard part.
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