This is a great video on building self confidence, albeit rather slick. Its worth spending the three and a half minutes to watch it. Sharon Melnick illustrates how people try to build self confidence by using indirect methods, rather than going direct. She focusses on work situations, but the ideas are applicable anywhere.
Indirect methods are very much tied up in having a concern about what others think of you. You direct your energy and attention to managing others perceptions of you, not building real confidence. I'm very conscious that this is something I have done in the past. There are two types of indirect confidence building:-
Borrow Confidence from Others
This way you go out of your way to get other people to notice you – to earn a "pat on the back". Its also a form of seeking reassurance and validation from other people, be it peers or boss. For example:-
Staying late or arriving early (and making others aware)
Over promise what you can do
Bringing others attention to something you have done well
Ask others opinion (when you know yourself) to give you an opportunity to show your knowledge
Interrupting others to show how much you know [Read more…]
When we think of unassertive behaviour, we tend to automatically focus on passive or weak responses to the demands of others. But aggression is also non assertive, as is manipulative or sarcastic language and behaviour.