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How to be assertive

January 17, 2009 by David

I have done bits and pieces on assertiveness in the past, this post brings everything together to give an overview of this important skill – otherwise known as confident communication.  How to be assertive means

“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.” (source unknown)

When we think of unassertive behaviour, we tend to automatically focus on passive or weak responses to the demands of others. But aggression is also non assertive, as is manipulative or sarcastic language and behaviour.

Passive Behaviour

I’m not OK…but you are Passive behaviour is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs. Passive behaviour is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”.

Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger. Examples of passive behaviour include:- Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting Speech is rambling Apologizing all the time Putting yourself down Agreeing to things you don’t want to do or backing down Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” “sorry to bother you” [Read more…]

Filed Under: assertiveness, self-confidence Tagged With: aggression, aggressive behavior, anger, assertive, assertiveness, behavior, behaviour, body language, communication, communication style, confident, express, how to be assertive, human interest, maniplulative, passive, passives, sarcasm, twitter, verbal aggression

Changing habits

June 29, 2008 by David

Car habitMy twin daughters are both learning to drive at present. I’ve only just recovered from helping my elder daughter learn, two years ago! If you drive, can you remember how strange it felt at first, how much concentration it demanded. Synchronizing gear and clutch, regulating your speed and direction, being aware of other road users and predicting their next move.

Today, I don’t consciously engage in the task of driving – likewise I don’t consciously think about how to tie up my shoe laces or walk (try thinking about how you walk and tell yourself out loud what to move!). Reflecting at my keyboard its quite frightening how we rely on our unconscious mind and embedded habits to propel a large metal box at great speed.

I have repeatedly touched on how much of what we do is habit. Our brains process millions of messages a day – putting most of our activities on automatic pilot makes us more efficient. If we did have to consciously engage in tying our shoe laces, or driving, then we would end up exhausted. [Read more…]

Filed Under: self esteem, self-confidence, thinking Tagged With: behavior, habit, routine, self esteem, self-confidence, thinking

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