Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

How to be assertive

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I have done bits and pieces on assertiveness in the past, this post brings everything together to give an overview of this important skill – otherwise known as confident communication.  How to be assertive means

“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.” (source unknown)

When we think of unassertive behaviour, we tend to automatically focus on passive or weak responses to the demands of others. But aggression is also non assertive, as is manipulative or sarcastic language and behaviour.

Passive Behaviour

I’m not OK…but you are Passive behaviour is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs. Passive behaviour is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”.

Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger. Examples of passive behaviour include:- Avoiding eye contact, fidgeting Speech is rambling Apologizing all the time Putting yourself down Agreeing to things you don’t want to do or backing down Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” “sorry to bother you” [Read more…]

How to Say No

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When I stated this blog 18 months ago, some of my early posts were on saying no. However, my posts then were barely a paragraph long at times. Writing the past two posts on criticism, and being unable to properly link to this related skill, I thought it useful to update.

You have a right to say no

Ironically this post coincides with my daughter being asked (and agreeing) to do an extra  shift at the restaurant she works at. The examples below were based around a request to work someones shift when I originally wrote them.

Saying yes when you would rather say no causes YOU stress

Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness).  It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs. One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs.  Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked. But, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused. [Read more…]

Start Making Friends

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market11.jpg

One thing I have never particularly enjoyed is making “small talk” with strangers. Everywhere we go we are surrounded by new people (a nicer term than strangers) – just try walking down a shopping street. Most of the time we make little effort to interact with them. “Small talk” situations arise socially or at work when we are thrown into a confined space with these new people, and feel we have to interact to be polite.

Yesterday I had to go one stage beyond making small talk. As part of my photography course we went to a local market to do a social documentary project. It was suggested we politely ask stall holders if they minded having their photograph taken before shoving a camera in their face!

It was an interesting morning. Before setting off, most of us expressed misgivings about approaching total strangers and asking if we could take their photograph. We joked about being arrested or punched for our trouble – trying to hide the fact that we weren’t particularly confident. Even our tutor, Simon Lawrence – an experienced photo journalist – reflected on how such situations can create tension.

The worst thing that could happen did – [Read more…]

How to Look Confident

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confident dogDo you look confident? If I spotted you are a social gathering, what would your body language say – “Go away, I don’t want to be here” or “Come and meet me”? I’ve read different statistics, but its fair to say over 70% of our communication is transmitted by our body language.

So how do you change your outer appearance, even if your self talk is still struggling to get over negative thoughts. Here are a few tips to practice:-

Start off with your feet at least 12 inches apart and have your weight even distributed between both feet. Also have your soles of your feet evenly planted on the ground – think of the ball of your foot, the heel and a point just below the little toe as a tripod, supporting the rest of your body. [Read more…]

Expressing opinions

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improve self confidence

As well as expressing feelings, another thing that we can avoid if we lack self-confidence is expressing opinions. If you are asked for an opinion, the simplest route is to give honestly and without apologizing. This is an area where if you are in the habit of trying to please others, you’re going to have to make some changes!

If you try to avoid offending or upsetting people by agreeing with them all the time, then you will never command any respect from them – or yourself. As with feelings, keep it simple and personalize – [Read more…]