Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Are you a “yes” person?

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One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs. Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked.

Unfortunately, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused. Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness). It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs.

If saying no to someone makes them angry and stomp off – well what sort of friendship is that? They will go and find someone else to take advantage of. True friendship is based on recognizing each others needs, not just our own.

Are you popular?

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Happy anniversary Tony

 

Happy Anniversary Tony!

Do you worry about people not liking you? Do you try to be friends to everyone – and end up with lots of acquaintances but few real friends?

Today is the tenth anniversary of Tony Blair becoming British Prime Minister. Now, I have no hard facts to back this up, but I would say millions of people in this country don’t like Tony Blair. Many would even say they “hate” him.

I’m sure that in most countries throughout the world, the people most disliked are those in power. The same happens in business and other fields as well as politics – you don’t get very far by trying to be liked by everyone you meet.

Over the next few years Tony Blair will earn mega bucks giving lectures around the world – people will pay top dollar to hear him speak. I’m not going to discuss his merits as Prime Minister, but simply point out that he didn’t get to where he is today by being nice to everyone!

But does it worry you, undermine your confidence, if you know there might be people out there who don’t like you?

Have a dump to build confidence

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We all have experiences we would rather forget about. Times when we made a fool of ourselves, died with embarrassment, did something that we never want to go through again. But we do – it seems so easy to recall these events in our mind and replay them over and over.

Moving on from bad experiences is important if we’re to feel good about ourselves. One technique is to literally “dump” the experience. Write it down, draw it, or get some other physical representation of that memory. Then dispose of it – screw it up, tear it up, bin it, burn it, flush it – the choice is yours.

Doing something symbolic is our way of telling ourselves that its time to move on. If the experience tries to creep back into our memory – we can shut it out quickly by recalling how we dumped it and move on.

How childhood can impact on confidence

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Initially we learn to value ourselves, or not, through our childhood experiences. If we are treated well, and those experiences leave us believing we are loved and valued, we see ourselves as being worthy of love. In this situation we learn to love ourselves.

The opposite holds that if we are neglected or abused we see ourselves as unworthy. We then learn to dislike ourselves.

Other childhood experiences can affect our self confidence. If a child only receives love or attention when successful – such as getting top marks in class, they will strive towards perfectionism in adulthood.

If other behaviors are also similarly rewarded – such as looking after younger siblings – there is also a knock on effect on how they later perceive themselves (“I am only worthwhile if I look after others/please others”) and subsequently act (don’t see themselves as worthwhile, put the needs of others above their own.

Whilst I made reference to abuse and neglect above, it doesn’t take such extremes to have an impact. As parents we are not aware at how much negativity and “conditional” love we impose on our children. There are many adults who did not suffer abuse or neglect, but constantly undermine their self confidence by striving for perfectionism, worrying about what others think, seeking approval or by having other forms of rigid thinking. Fortunately these things can be changed.

There’s no comparison

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Do you find yourself comparing yourself to others all the time? Are you being fair on yourself – it’s easy to under value your achievements in comparison with others. If you look you can always find someone who can do something better than you – so why look!

In any field of human endeavor there will be experts who specialize or train to such a degree they are at the very top. But it would be a sad, dysfunctional world if no one else bothered. Many thousands achieved a huge amount by completing the marathon on Sunday – I hope none belittled their achievement by comparing themselves to the race winners.

Telling yourself that anyone could have done it is also self defeating. Are you sure? Does it matter? What matters is – YOU DID IT.