Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Manipulative behavior – indirect aggression

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nicolatramp3.jpgI hope you like the new theme – I’ve spent most of the weekend “tweaking” rather than getting down to 1001 other things I had planned!

Indirect aggression – I find this the most interesting of behavior types as I know its a style I have been guilty of drifting into from time to time. I’ve never been directly aggressive and since my teens I have gradually moved away from being passive. But being slightly devious or manipulative?!

Manipulative behavior is perhaps a better label than indirect aggression as its hard to perceive this as aggression – this isn’t hurting is it? Well, you are manipulating other people’s emotions to get what you want. You make them feel guilty, so that the only way of relieving that guilt is to give in to your request.

Sarcasm, deception, insinuating, ambiguity are all tools of indirect aggression. Using the example from saying no, a request for someone to work a shift would have follow up lines like:-

“You would do it if you cared about me” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t really want to go to the concert anyway”

Like direct aggression, indirect will meet needs in the short term by getting what we want. But long term it creates anger, resentment and frustration in others.

Are you a bully?

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Aggressive people can be surprised if anyone suggests that they should learn to be more assertive. Because, unlike passive people, they may actually be getting what they want. Getting what you want by being a bully may work in the short term, but longer term it leads to anger, fear and resentment in others.

We can all think of examples of people who use direct aggression as a way of communication. A bulldozing, “get out of my way”, style that is intolerant of others opinions – or just doesn’t listen – that leads the recipient to feel put-down, a loser (unless they respond aggressively themselves!).

Verbal aggression as a communication style ultimately shows no respect or attempt at empathy for the other person. Arrogant, over-bearing, opinionated – basically acting in a way that meets their needs only by ignoring (or violating) another persons.

As I’ve said before, how we behave is generally something we learn from others as we grow up. If you learn to be aggressive it can give the appearance of confidence, which may wel be real. But it can also mask insecurities and a lack of self belief, that you avoid facing by erecting a vocal barrier.

I will look at indirect aggression in the next post, before looking at ways of becoming assertive. Its important to remember we’re looking at communication behaviors, not emotions. You can still get angry, whatever style you use – including assertiveness!

Passive behavior

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Following on from my series on saying no, I last gave a definition of assertiveness, and mentioned the three other behavioral types – passive, aggressive and manipulative. When we think of unassertive behavior, we tend to focus on passive.

Passive behavior is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs.

Passive behavior is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”. Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger.

I will focus on the other types of “non assertive” behavior over the next few weeks, as well as ways of making changes.

Assertiveness

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ex-treeeyessmall.jpg I have now put 10 blogs into the category of assertiveness – including all the saying “no” blogs and the bill of rights. But I have yet to define assertiveness, or say why it is so important for having great self confidence.

The best definition I can find, says being assertive means:-

“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.”

I have no idea who to attribute that quote to – its on a handout I have had for years. Other definitions separate out the two components – behavior and communication. But I like the definition above because another way of describing assertiveness is “confident communication”.

So if you are building self confidence, its important to review how you communicate and whether you are generally assertive – rather than passive, aggressive or manipulative.

Broken record

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Another useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer. If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, its tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no. This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

The final response can be different, having been asked a question e.g. “That’s my business, and I still can’t work that day” – but as you build confidence it can be easier to stick to the broken record.