Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Say no without apologising

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The other day I asked if you were a “yes” person, as sometimes saying no can prove very difficult. If you lack confidence, you avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses – creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you..

However, a simple “no” can be interpreted as quite aggressive and uncompromising – which may be appropriate, especially with people you don’t know. But we don’t feel comfortable using straight “no” with family and friends, especially in the first instance.

The first aim is to say no without apologizing. You can still give a reason “No, I’ve got to do some work this afternoon” or simply say

“No, its not possible today” or “No I can’t”. The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology – “I’m sorry… ” or “I’m afraid…”

The other person may have a problem, may need something – but you don’t have to take it on board or feel its your responsibility to meet that need.

Are you a “yes” person?

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One problem with wanting to be liked is you agree to requests from others without looking at your needs. Over the years I have met many people who would automatically say “yes”, thinking that it would help them make friends and be liked.

Unfortunately, just saying “yes” means you get used and abused. Learning to say “no” is an important part of confident communication (or assertiveness). It is part of recognizing your rights and respecting your needs.

If saying no to someone makes them angry and stomp off – well what sort of friendship is that? They will go and find someone else to take advantage of. True friendship is based on recognizing each others needs, not just our own.

Confidence – who puts you down?

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Does anyone keep putting you down? I will return to the issue of dealing with the negative messages we all get whilst growing up, but this is about the here and now. Unfortunately there are many people out there in relationships with, working with, or friends with people who consistently make negative remarks about them and undermine their self confidence.

Over the years I’ve come across many people in this situation. Often they simply absorb the criticisms they receive and believe what they’re hearing – ending up with ongoing low self confidence. Especially when close to the person, it doesn’t occur to challenge what is being said. The person doing the criticism may themselves be unaware how damaging their behavior is, or that they are actually doing it.

Be aware of who you spend your time with and what they say to you. If friends put you down – do you need to review this friendship? Within work, school or family situations, learning to challenge critical remarks or put downs isn’t easy if you’re confidence is already low. But it can be done and I’ll come back to learning assertiveness skills. In the short term, being aware that what is being said is just someone’s opinion, and choosing not to take it as fact is a big step forward to great self confidence.