Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Are you a bully?

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Aggressive people can be surprised if anyone suggests that they should learn to be more assertive. Because, unlike passive people, they may actually be getting what they want. Getting what you want by being a bully may work in the short term, but longer term it leads to anger, fear and resentment in others.

We can all think of examples of people who use direct aggression as a way of communication. A bulldozing, “get out of my way”, style that is intolerant of others opinions – or just doesn’t listen – that leads the recipient to feel put-down, a loser (unless they respond aggressively themselves!).

Verbal aggression as a communication style ultimately shows no respect or attempt at empathy for the other person. Arrogant, over-bearing, opinionated – basically acting in a way that meets their needs only by ignoring (or violating) another persons.

As I’ve said before, how we behave is generally something we learn from others as we grow up. If you learn to be aggressive it can give the appearance of confidence, which may wel be real. But it can also mask insecurities and a lack of self belief, that you avoid facing by erecting a vocal barrier.

I will look at indirect aggression in the next post, before looking at ways of becoming assertive. Its important to remember we’re looking at communication behaviors, not emotions. You can still get angry, whatever style you use – including assertiveness!

Passive behavior

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Following on from my series on saying no, I last gave a definition of assertiveness, and mentioned the three other behavioral types – passive, aggressive and manipulative. When we think of unassertive behavior, we tend to focus on passive.

Passive behavior is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs.

Passive behavior is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”. Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger.

I will focus on the other types of “non assertive” behavior over the next few weeks, as well as ways of making changes.

Assertiveness

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ex-treeeyessmall.jpg I have now put 10 blogs into the category of assertiveness – including all the saying “no” blogs and the bill of rights. But I have yet to define assertiveness, or say why it is so important for having great self confidence.

The best definition I can find, says being assertive means:-

“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.”

I have no idea who to attribute that quote to – its on a handout I have had for years. Other definitions separate out the two components – behavior and communication. But I like the definition above because another way of describing assertiveness is “confident communication”.

So if you are building self confidence, its important to review how you communicate and whether you are generally assertive – rather than passive, aggressive or manipulative.

Simple “No”

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My final technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest – but certainly not the easiest! By just saying “no”, and nothing else you may be perceived as rude or aggressive. But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it.

“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”

“No”

“Please, I really need tomorrow off”

“No”

“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”

“No”

In the example we have been using, this may not be appropriate if a colleague is asking you for the first time – but if you have already been through other techniques and they are pestering you again, its probably well justified. Its also useful with strangers and odd requests out of nowhere. This week a total stranger asked me to lend her some money in the middle of a supermarket…… “No!!!”

Asking for Information

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Moving on with our saying “No” series, the next stage is another more “negotiation” type statement. Responding with a question, asking for information, is another way of stalling whilst clarifying the exact request being made. Its not giving in, but simply clarify what is being asked.

For example, following on with our request to work a shift…

“Does it have to be today, its very short notice?”

“I know you want to go out with X, can’t you do that some other time?”

“Why ask me, you know I always have an evening class on Wednesdays?”

The bottom line is not to start apologizing or giving in – like the raincheck “no”, this is simply away of clarifying the situation and putting the onus back on the requester.