Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Bill of Rights

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I’ve been running a series of blogs that look at saying “No“ an essential part of confident communication. For some, learning to say this small word isn’t easy. We have learnt that saying no makes us uncaring, or selfish. Also, we learn to believe that by saying no we might lose friends, upset family or work colleagues.

Along with practicing the techniques for saying “No”, it is useful to tackle some of the underlying thinking that feeds these feelings. A good starting point is to draw up a “bill of rights” your rights. Here are a few suggestions

I have the right to:

respect myself

respect others

make mistakes

change my mind

to have my own opinions and values and share them with others

choose my friends

have time to myself each day

say what I feel

to be listened to

be free from physical or mental abuse

be (or become) healthy

be trusted

be happy

express my feelings

ask for what I want (accepting I may not always get it)

A Raincheck “No”

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A “raincheck no”, says a clear no to the current request but does respond with a positive offer:-

I can’t work your shift tomorrow as I’m doing something; however I can help out later in the week if thats any help?”

The bottom line is, though, to only make an offer if you genuinely want to. Don’t add a “raincheck no” to ease your guilt – stick to the reasoned no we’ve looked at before.

A reflective No

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Returning to confident communication and saying no. A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way. It shows you are listening to the person, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic say no.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them (using the same dialogue from “broken record“), you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“I know you want to go away that day, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“I appreciate everyone else is doing the same thing, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“I agree, I have helped you out a lot in the past, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (“I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and thats the only day we can do that. I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)

Broken record

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Another useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer. If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, its tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no. This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

The final response can be different, having been asked a question e.g. “That’s my business, and I still can’t work that day” – but as you build confidence it can be easier to stick to the broken record.