Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Assertiveness

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ex-treeeyessmall.jpg I have now put 10 blogs into the category of assertiveness – including all the saying “no” blogs and the bill of rights. But I have yet to define assertiveness, or say why it is so important for having great self confidence.

The best definition I can find, says being assertive means:-

“expressing my rights and acknowledging others’ rights. It doesn’t guarantee I’ll get what I want – but it does guarantee that I’ve expressed myself and, therefore, maintained my integrity. It’s saying what I want/feel, voicing my opinion/saying no, being able to negotiate the best solution for all.”

I have no idea who to attribute that quote to – its on a handout I have had for years. Other definitions separate out the two components – behavior and communication. But I like the definition above because another way of describing assertiveness is “confident communication”.

So if you are building self confidence, its important to review how you communicate and whether you are generally assertive – rather than passive, aggressive or manipulative.

Simple “No”

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My final technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest – but certainly not the easiest! By just saying “no”, and nothing else you may be perceived as rude or aggressive. But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it.

“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”

“No”

“Please, I really need tomorrow off”

“No”

“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”

“No”

In the example we have been using, this may not be appropriate if a colleague is asking you for the first time – but if you have already been through other techniques and they are pestering you again, its probably well justified. Its also useful with strangers and odd requests out of nowhere. This week a total stranger asked me to lend her some money in the middle of a supermarket…… “No!!!”

Pier to Pier update

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About 6 weeks ago I posted in Come for a swim? my intention of doing a challenge. In this case swimming 1.4 miles in the cold English sea between two piers! I also said I would raise £150.

In my mind, I’ve never regarded myself as a great one for raising sponsorship. As an adult I’ve only done it once before (Dublin Marathon 2003). On that occasion I did raise £1500 for the Alzheimer’s Society, as my father had died from that disease. But my mother was quite a driving force, holding a coffee morning and generally “forcing the pace”.

I think some of my negative attitude regarding sponsorship was down to my belief that asking someone to give you money, for doing something difficult, physically challenging, unpleasant and possibly life threatening (tragically so in April) was a bit silly. Why run 26 miles, when its quicker and more pleasant by taxi?!

My attitude now is more relaxed – asking for sponsorship for a challenge is an acceptable social formula for encouraging people to donate to a worthy cause. Consequently I feel quite confident asking people to sponsor me. I only started this week and have already I’ve got £50. Not feeling slightly embarrassed about asking friends and colleagues for money has made the process a lot easier!

As for swimming, I’ve been in the sea a few times, but its so cold and rough at the moment its hard to do any distance. And I find swimming in pools are so boring. But having made a commitment – and now got people to pledge money – it does ensure I’ll keep at it.

Asking for Information

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Moving on with our saying “No” series, the next stage is another more “negotiation” type statement. Responding with a question, asking for information, is another way of stalling whilst clarifying the exact request being made. Its not giving in, but simply clarify what is being asked.

For example, following on with our request to work a shift…

“Does it have to be today, its very short notice?”

“I know you want to go out with X, can’t you do that some other time?”

“Why ask me, you know I always have an evening class on Wednesdays?”

The bottom line is not to start apologizing or giving in – like the raincheck “no”, this is simply away of clarifying the situation and putting the onus back on the requester.

A Sad Twist to an Earlier Blog

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We’ve all done it – typed our name into Google to see who else is out there (or whether we register in some way!). I did this yesterday and had quite a shock. I had blogged about the London marathon back in April, saying how completing it was such a tremendous achievement.

What I didn’t know until yesterday was that a 22 year old completed the marathon, his first, then later collapsed and died. He, like me, was called David Rogers. The Google link above took me to his Justgiving page, which is now full of condolences and tributes.

David Rogers died from drinking too much water – hyponatraemia – whilst running the marathon on what was a quite a hot day. As a fitness instructor he was undoubtedly better prepared to run a marathon than most, but sadly and cruelly he died at his moment of success.

I write this not to be morbid, but to remind us all how precious life is and how suddenly it can be taken away from us. Generally we enhance the quality of our life by taking up challenges and subjecting ourselves to risk. In the short term the safest thing we can do is stay in bed – but long term that would destroy us.

And yes – this David Rogers is still intending to swim the pier to pier in July!