Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

How do you make changes?

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legsAs I have touched on elsewhere, I am interested in self improvement generally – not just building great self confidence. But I have always had a big problem with self improvement products. Basically most are books, which follow the conventional format of a text book.

The problem with a book, or even an audio product, is people read (or listen) – but don’t act! Self improvement is about making changes. And a big part of that is changing habits…

“The second half of a mans life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half.” Dostoevsky

In compiling this blog I do genuinely want people to be able to be able to put some of these ideas into practice and make changes. But I remain concerned that even in a more dynamic format than a book, it remains easy to read and pass on – rather than act.

I have my own ideas about how to make change happen in our lives, which I will feature in future blogs. But having come across a blogging feature called a “meme” for the first time this week, I will use this to try and stimulate some discussion and ideas.

The meme theme is “if you wanted to improve your life by changing a habit – how would you set about it?”

I will tag a few people who blogs I admire and find useful to kick things off -but please add your own comments

Chris Garrett
Marcia S
Jason Golod
Gobala Krishnan
Julie Ann Bonner

A reflective No

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Returning to confident communication and saying no. A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way. It shows you are listening to the person, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic say no.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them (using the same dialogue from “broken record“), you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“I know you want to go away that day, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“I appreciate everyone else is doing the same thing, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“I agree, I have helped you out a lot in the past, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (“I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and thats the only day we can do that. I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)

Taking the plunge

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Reflecting on the blogs I have made to date it occurred to me that my own confidence in “blogging” and running a website has been transformed over the past couple of months. Like many, many others I had toyed with the idea of setting a site like this up for years. But until I actually started, made the commitment, I had no real idea how it would work out.

In my last blog “New situations can throw us” I was saying we need to practice an activity, building our confidence, until we know we have the skills to perform. But, like with this blog, sometimes you have got to take the plunge with limited experience to draw on.

I would like to add that in this age of the internet, there is so much information readily to hand. I purchased a book on WordPress – but have hardly opened it. There are excellent blogs like Internet Home Business that having given me free advice on how to build a blog. Whatever your field, it should be easier than ever to build your knowledge base and self confidence. But there always comes a time when you need to jump, and let your inner belief system can carry you forward.

New situations can throw us!

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flower.jpgOne simple issue that can throw us is coping with new situations. Last week my employers were making a DVD about changes happening, and needed “volunteers” to ask questions on camera for the Chief Executive to answer. Having “volunteered” I prepared a question and thought nothing of it.

When the time came to speak for about 10 seconds to the camera, it became more difficult. The cameraman, who was also directing, suggested a variation on my question, and found us a spot to film. Suddenly confronted by a camera lens, I became very tongue tied and spoke absolute rubbish!

There was no pressure, the cameraman/director was very helpful, but it took me several attempts to overcome my sudden fear created by talking into a camera lens – for 10 seconds!

You hear it is now customary for potential politicians to go through media training and get familiar with answering questions and appearing in front of camera. But any new situation requires practice. We cannot expect to perform in new situations perfectly, without practice.

Broken record

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Another useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer. If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, its tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no. This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

The final response can be different, having been asked a question e.g. “That’s my business, and I still can’t work that day” – but as you build confidence it can be easier to stick to the broken record.