Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

A reflective No

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Returning to confident communication and saying no. A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way. It shows you are listening to the person, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic say no.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them (using the same dialogue from “broken record“), you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“I know you want to go away that day, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“I appreciate everyone else is doing the same thing, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“I agree, I have helped you out a lot in the past, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (“I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and thats the only day we can do that. I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)

Broken record

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Another useful technique is called “broken record”, where you basically keep repeating the same answer. If someone is persistent and keeps repeating requests, its tempting to keep finding new ways of saying no. This gradually dilutes your response and makes you bring in excuses and apologies.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them, you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“No, I can’t work that day” (Broken record)

The final response can be different, having been asked a question e.g. “That’s my business, and I still can’t work that day” – but as you build confidence it can be easier to stick to the broken record.

Say no without apologising

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The other day I asked if you were a “yes” person, as sometimes saying no can prove very difficult. If you lack confidence, you avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses – creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you..

However, a simple “no” can be interpreted as quite aggressive and uncompromising – which may be appropriate, especially with people you don’t know. But we don’t feel comfortable using straight “no” with family and friends, especially in the first instance.

The first aim is to say no without apologizing. You can still give a reason “No, I’ve got to do some work this afternoon” or simply say

“No, its not possible today” or “No I can’t”. The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology – “I’m sorry… ” or “I’m afraid…”

The other person may have a problem, may need something – but you don’t have to take it on board or feel its your responsibility to meet that need.

Have a dump to build confidence

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We all have experiences we would rather forget about. Times when we made a fool of ourselves, died with embarrassment, did something that we never want to go through again. But we do – it seems so easy to recall these events in our mind and replay them over and over.

Moving on from bad experiences is important if we’re to feel good about ourselves. One technique is to literally “dump” the experience. Write it down, draw it, or get some other physical representation of that memory. Then dispose of it – screw it up, tear it up, bin it, burn it, flush it – the choice is yours.

Doing something symbolic is our way of telling ourselves that its time to move on. If the experience tries to creep back into our memory – we can shut it out quickly by recalling how we dumped it and move on.