Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Simple “No”

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My final technique for saying “no”, is by far the simplest – but certainly not the easiest! By just saying “no”, and nothing else you may be perceived as rude or aggressive. But like all the other techniques, circumstances may demand it.

“Can you work tomorrows shift for me”

“No”

“Please, I really need tomorrow off”

“No”

“There’s no one else I can ask, I’ll do the same for you anytime”

“No”

In the example we have been using, this may not be appropriate if a colleague is asking you for the first time – but if you have already been through other techniques and they are pestering you again, its probably well justified. Its also useful with strangers and odd requests out of nowhere. This week a total stranger asked me to lend her some money in the middle of a supermarket…… “No!!!”

Asking for Information

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Moving on with our saying “No” series, the next stage is another more “negotiation” type statement. Responding with a question, asking for information, is another way of stalling whilst clarifying the exact request being made. Its not giving in, but simply clarify what is being asked.

For example, following on with our request to work a shift…

“Does it have to be today, its very short notice?”

“I know you want to go out with X, can’t you do that some other time?”

“Why ask me, you know I always have an evening class on Wednesdays?”

The bottom line is not to start apologizing or giving in – like the raincheck “no”, this is simply away of clarifying the situation and putting the onus back on the requester.

Bill of Rights

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I’ve been running a series of blogs that look at saying “No“ an essential part of confident communication. For some, learning to say this small word isn’t easy. We have learnt that saying no makes us uncaring, or selfish. Also, we learn to believe that by saying no we might lose friends, upset family or work colleagues.

Along with practicing the techniques for saying “No”, it is useful to tackle some of the underlying thinking that feeds these feelings. A good starting point is to draw up a “bill of rights” your rights. Here are a few suggestions

I have the right to:

respect myself

respect others

make mistakes

change my mind

to have my own opinions and values and share them with others

choose my friends

have time to myself each day

say what I feel

to be listened to

be free from physical or mental abuse

be (or become) healthy

be trusted

be happy

express my feelings

ask for what I want (accepting I may not always get it)

A Raincheck “No”

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A “raincheck no”, says a clear no to the current request but does respond with a positive offer:-

I can’t work your shift tomorrow as I’m doing something; however I can help out later in the week if thats any help?”

The bottom line is, though, to only make an offer if you genuinely want to. Don’t add a “raincheck no” to ease your guilt – stick to the reasoned no we’ve looked at before.

Making change with support

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My recent post How do you make changes did generate some interesting ideas, but mainly buried in the comments section and on others sites! I’m still learning, but its worth visiting the discussion it generated on Chris Garret’s New Media Blog

The idea I wanted to float was the issue of support. I came across it recently in another blog that I have linked to before by Martin Avis, who writes an interesting article centered on “Successful people share their goals”

Martin’s article expands that by sharing a goal you create an external conscience that keeps you on track. Also you create a feedback loop that constantly reminds you of what you are striving to achieve. And if you chose a trusted person well, they should keep any doubts to themselves and only give positive feedback!

Personally I take this a step further – to make change or achieve goals we need to have support that goes beyond reminding us of what we want to do. I can illustrate this by with a TV show a year or two ago that looked at people trying to lose weight. The spouse of one “guinea pig” did everything possible to help – cooking low calorie meals, not buying anything for anyone else in the family that didn’t follow the diet they were using, constantly giving encouragement and accompanying the dieter down to the gym. Very practical, and emotional, support.

Another dieter didn’t have support. Her spouse did remind her of her goal weight – but said from the outset she’d never stick to it. He still expected his “normal” food whilst she struggled with her diet. And to cap it all, when she had to go into hospital briefly he brought her in her favorite takeaway to cheer her up!

Suffice to say dieter one achieved his goal weight, dieter two didn’t. I should stress I’m no great advocate of dieting (my photo hides my waist!) but use this as an example of how support can make a huge difference to achieving our goals. But support can take many different forms – not just a verbal reminder.