Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

A reflective No

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Returning to confident communication and saying no. A variation on “broken record” is to add a reflection on what the person has said, before saying no in a firm way. It shows you are listening to the person, empathizing with them, but without being apologetic say no.

So if at the request from a colleague is to work a shift for them (using the same dialogue from “broken record“), you reply:-

“No, I can’t work that day”

“But I really need someone to cover for me”

“I know you want to go away that day, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“I’ve asked everyone else, you’re the only one who can help”

“I appreciate everyone else is doing the same thing, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

“Why not, you usually can help me out?”

“I agree, I have helped you out a lot in the past, but I can’t work that day” (reflection)

This technique is not about making up excuses and avoiding taking responsibility by deflecting the no onto someone else (“I’m really sorry, I would be happy to help you, but wife is taking me shopping that day and thats the only day we can do that. I’m sorry to let you down, any other time I’m sure I could….”)

New situations can throw us!

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flower.jpgOne simple issue that can throw us is coping with new situations. Last week my employers were making a DVD about changes happening, and needed “volunteers” to ask questions on camera for the Chief Executive to answer. Having “volunteered” I prepared a question and thought nothing of it.

When the time came to speak for about 10 seconds to the camera, it became more difficult. The cameraman, who was also directing, suggested a variation on my question, and found us a spot to film. Suddenly confronted by a camera lens, I became very tongue tied and spoke absolute rubbish!

There was no pressure, the cameraman/director was very helpful, but it took me several attempts to overcome my sudden fear created by talking into a camera lens – for 10 seconds!

You hear it is now customary for potential politicians to go through media training and get familiar with answering questions and appearing in front of camera. But any new situation requires practice. We cannot expect to perform in new situations perfectly, without practice.

Say no without apologising

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The other day I asked if you were a “yes” person, as sometimes saying no can prove very difficult. If you lack confidence, you avoid the straight no, and offer up excuses – creating more complex and apologetic replies when these are batted back at you..

However, a simple “no” can be interpreted as quite aggressive and uncompromising – which may be appropriate, especially with people you don’t know. But we don’t feel comfortable using straight “no” with family and friends, especially in the first instance.

The first aim is to say no without apologizing. You can still give a reason “No, I’ve got to do some work this afternoon” or simply say

“No, its not possible today” or “No I can’t”. The main habit to get out of is starting with an apology – “I’m sorry… ” or “I’m afraid…”

The other person may have a problem, may need something – but you don’t have to take it on board or feel its your responsibility to meet that need.

the wedding – part 2

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Kevin & SheilaReturning to the wedding we went to last week there were two scenarios played out that typified how confidence is “all in the mind”. The bridegroom’s son was his best man and, as tradition dictates was required to give the final speech. I don’t know the guy, but it was clear he was petrified! But he had clearly done preparation and knew his topic well, and it appeared knew a significant number of the guests to feel “amongst friends”.

He delivered a good speech well, despite lacking confidence in his ability. I am sure he would have enjoyed the event more, and delivered his speech even better, if he had tackled his anxieties to some degree with some positive reassurance, which I highlighted yesterday.

The other interesting thing at the wedding was the photographer. The couple had decided they didn’t want a professional photographer, but asked a friend to take some photographs for them. Having done this myself many years ago at my sisters wedding, I assumed the lady concerned would be as nervous as the best man. But despite (or because of?) only having a compact digital camera, and doing something I assume she had not done before, the lady concerned looked cool as a cucumber and looked to be enjoying the occasion.

I didn’t speak to her, but my impression was that she didn’t see herself stepping into the shoes of a professional photographer, but taking a few “snaps” for her friends – as she would do anyway as a guest. In her mind there was nothing to worry or get anxious about. She knew how to take photographs on her camera  and that was all she was expected to do! She tackled the task with confidence, as there was no reason for her to doubt her ability.