Great Self Confidence

...to live the life you want

Manipulative behavior – indirect aggression

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nicolatramp3.jpgI hope you like the new theme – I’ve spent most of the weekend “tweaking” rather than getting down to 1001 other things I had planned!

Indirect aggression – I find this the most interesting of behavior types as I know its a style I have been guilty of drifting into from time to time. I’ve never been directly aggressive and since my teens I have gradually moved away from being passive. But being slightly devious or manipulative?!

Manipulative behavior is perhaps a better label than indirect aggression as its hard to perceive this as aggression – this isn’t hurting is it? Well, you are manipulating other people’s emotions to get what you want. You make them feel guilty, so that the only way of relieving that guilt is to give in to your request.

Sarcasm, deception, insinuating, ambiguity are all tools of indirect aggression. Using the example from saying no, a request for someone to work a shift would have follow up lines like:-

“You would do it if you cared about me” or “Don’t worry, I didn’t really want to go to the concert anyway”

Like direct aggression, indirect will meet needs in the short term by getting what we want. But long term it creates anger, resentment and frustration in others.

Are you a bully?

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Aggressive people can be surprised if anyone suggests that they should learn to be more assertive. Because, unlike passive people, they may actually be getting what they want. Getting what you want by being a bully may work in the short term, but longer term it leads to anger, fear and resentment in others.

We can all think of examples of people who use direct aggression as a way of communication. A bulldozing, “get out of my way”, style that is intolerant of others opinions – or just doesn’t listen – that leads the recipient to feel put-down, a loser (unless they respond aggressively themselves!).

Verbal aggression as a communication style ultimately shows no respect or attempt at empathy for the other person. Arrogant, over-bearing, opinionated – basically acting in a way that meets their needs only by ignoring (or violating) another persons.

As I’ve said before, how we behave is generally something we learn from others as we grow up. If you learn to be aggressive it can give the appearance of confidence, which may wel be real. But it can also mask insecurities and a lack of self belief, that you avoid facing by erecting a vocal barrier.

I will look at indirect aggression in the next post, before looking at ways of becoming assertive. Its important to remember we’re looking at communication behaviors, not emotions. You can still get angry, whatever style you use – including assertiveness!

The Big Swim

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Back from a lovely vacation, back to work, and today – the Big Swim. I had mentioned in a couple of previous posts that I had set myself a challenge of competing the 1.4 mile swim between two piers in Bournemouth, on the South Coast of England. Linked to that was raising £150 ($300) in sponsorship.

The sponsorship stands at about £120 and I am confident that I will pass £150. Whilst on vacation in Croatia I had been able to do quite a bit of swimming and felt confident that I would complete the swim.

The weather in the UK has been awful recently with areas flooded by torrential rains. Fortunately the South coast hasn’t been too badly hit, but the sea today was quite choppy – and very cold by comparison to the Mediterranean Sea off Croatia.

Well, despite getting cramp in my leg at one point, I competed the swim in 1 hour 36 minutes. Of about 1000 starters I was the last to finish! But it wasn’t a race; I feel really pleased to have stretched myself and done something very much outside my comfort zone. And yes, it has boosted my self confidence as well.

Great self confidence – by stripping?

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Well, I’ve heard it all now. The other day I read an article in “The Times” called Ooh, naught but nice which was basically about being taught how to do a striptease! The writer explains one of the reasons for having the lesson is

“to boost my body confidence.”

As for her teacher, a professional stripper,

“Her mission is to make women feel better about themselves”

Fortunately men appear to be excluded as “students” – presumably stripping won’t help our body confidence or make us feel better about ourselves!

Surprisingly, stripping lessons are endorsed by Lynda Field, who has written many self help books – including some very good ones on self esteem – who agrees it will help women like their bodies more. But the article ends with, in my opinion, a voice of sanity:-

“If a woman needs to feel good about herself, a focus on inner qualities, emotional and spiritual, would give her a more solid and long-lasting foundation in self-respect than learning to seduce herself in front of a mirror.”

So says Ingrid Collins, a Consultant Psychologist. Personally I’ve got nothing against stripping, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it as a way of gaining self confidence.

Passive behavior

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Following on from my series on saying no, I last gave a definition of assertiveness, and mentioned the three other behavioral types – passive, aggressive and manipulative. When we think of unassertive behavior, we tend to focus on passive.

Passive behavior is acting in a way that does not meet our needs – saying “yes” to a request when we wish to say “no”, or staying silent when we have a request to make ourselves. We strive to please others, but neglect our own needs.

Passive behavior is driven by passive thinking – “I mustn’t rock the boat”, “I’m not important”, “nothing goes right for me”. Whilst outwardly submissive, indecisive and helpless, inside there may well be inner conflict, tension and stress as the inability to meet our own needs fuels feelings of frustration and anger.

I will focus on the other types of “non assertive” behavior over the next few weeks, as well as ways of making changes.